Condoms or not...

What's supposed to happen on the wedding night? Will it hurt? What if I'm not a virgin? ...

Condoms or not...

Postby venom51 » Tue May 03, 2011 4:27 pm

My FW has recently started taking the pill as a form of birth control. I am still unsure as to whether I shall need to bring condoms on honeymoon. Under what circumstances does the guy need to use them if FW is on pill?

Any advice on whether to bring them/how many shall I bring/best kind for beginners. Thanks guys.
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Re: Condoms or not...

Postby Job29Man » Tue May 03, 2011 5:25 pm

Condoms suck. She won't "feel you" and you won't "feel her."

The pill sucks. It messes up her hormones and your gentle kitty could become a witch.

Forget them both.
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Re: Condoms or not...

Postby MayDayGirl » Tue May 03, 2011 5:49 pm

We've never had an issues with condoms and like them.
My DH thought I was peachy while on the pill..........and I didn't gain weight, either! :D

If your FW will be on the pill for at least three months before the honeymoon, you are fine as long as she takes the pill at a regularly scheduled time everyday and doesn't need an antibiotic. The doctor prescribing the pill should have gone over these details with her.

If you are students and getting pregnant would be dire to your circumstances, using condoms as a backup method while on the pill is not a bad idea.

Hope that helps!
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Re: Condoms or not...

Postby Job29Man » Tue May 03, 2011 7:17 pm

MayDayGirl wrote:...If you are students and getting pregnant would be dire to your circumstances....


Don't mean to be judgmental, but really...

If a man and woman are students who cannot responsibly bring children into the world they have no flippin' business having sex at all, much less getting married. No one should marry unless and until they can responsibly care for children exactly 9 months later. It's all well and good to "hope for" a certain timing, but to "plan on it" or to say "I hope to God that we don't get pregnant. LORD what a disaster that would be!!!!" is pure irresponsibility! Utter foolishness. IMHO it's sin.

Come back to the altar when you have a steady job, livelihood, home.

Therefore it is reasonable to say "condoms suck, forget em." No one is entitled to a 100% effective contraception. Where is the room for God to move?

[/rant]
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Condoms or not...

Postby mamame » Wed May 04, 2011 3:18 am

I'm going to disagree Job. If we had waited until we could afford a family to get married - we'd still be waiting. ;)
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Re: Condoms or not...

Postby blushingwife » Wed May 04, 2011 3:35 am

And it is not only about affording or not affording a child.
There are many reasons why a couple may choose to delay or prevent pregnancy, reasons which don't concern anyone.

To imply that the OP is not responsible just because they don't feel ready for a baby 9 months after the wedding is very unfair IMO!
He was just asking a practical question.

Anyway, venom51 please be aware that the pill does mess up with a woman's body - it is just a matter of how much.
Sometimes a woman only realizes how her moods, personality and sex drive had taken a toll AFTER she has stopped the pill for several months.
I have tried many forms of hormonal birth control, and they were all very bad.
Please tell your FW to be alert to and keep in mind that if she experiences low libido, there is a big likelihood that it is the pill doing that.

I would consider other birth control options and would bring condoms as back up.
Condoms do suck though.
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Re: Condoms or not...

Postby MayDayGirl » Wed May 04, 2011 4:15 am

venom51 wrote: Under what circumstances does the guy need to use them if FW is on pill?

Any advice on whether to bring them/how many shall I bring/best kind for beginners.


THIS is the OP's question, for those who may have missed it. :wave
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Re: Condoms or not...

Postby mk123 » Wed May 04, 2011 5:14 am

Job29Man wrote:
MayDayGirl wrote:...If you are students and getting pregnant would be dire to your circumstances....


Don't mean to be judgmental, but really...

If a man and woman are students who cannot responsibly bring children into the world they have no flippin' business having sex at all, much less getting married. No one should marry unless and until they can responsibly care for children exactly 9 months later. It's all well and good to "hope for" a certain timing, but to "plan on it" or to say "I hope to God that we don't get pregnant. LORD what a disaster that would be!!!!" is pure irresponsibility! Utter foolishness. IMHO it's sin.

Come back to the altar when you have a steady job, livelihood, home.

Therefore it is reasonable to say "condoms suck, forget em." No one is entitled to a 100% effective contraception. Where is the room for God to move?

[/rant]


If that isn't the most self-righteous, narrow-minded, condescending thing I have ever heard in my life! You are not irresponsible and unprepared for marriage (a commitment between two adults) just because you are not at a place where you feel ready to care for one or more infants who, unlike adults, need constant care! What would be irresponsible would be to go into a marriage knowing you are unprepared for such a task and not taking the proper precautions until such time as you are prepared. Please look in the Bible and find a verse that calls this sin before you go spouting this "Duggar drivel."

I mean really. At what point do you draw the line? You imply that birth control is not leaving room for God and essentially taking power away from him. Well did you get your flu shot last year? If you did you obviously didn't trust God to do what he thought best for you. And did your willingness to take the shot display your irresponsibility in that you were not "prepared" to be sick?

Sorry, I just had to give my 2 cents. It's comments like the one I responded to that lead so many people away from God because too many alleged Christians have a way of turning almost anything into a "sin."
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Re: Condoms or not...

Postby Mark 9:24 » Wed May 04, 2011 7:12 am

mk123 wrote:
Job29Man wrote:
MayDayGirl wrote:...If you are students and getting pregnant would be dire to your circumstances....


Don't mean to be judgmental, but really...

If a man and woman are students who cannot responsibly bring children into the world they have no flippin' business having sex at all, much less getting married. No one should marry unless and until they can responsibly care for children exactly 9 months later. It's all well and good to "hope for" a certain timing, but to "plan on it" or to say "I hope to God that we don't get pregnant. LORD what a disaster that would be!!!!" is pure irresponsibility! Utter foolishness. IMHO it's sin.

Come back to the altar when you have a steady job, livelihood, home.

Therefore it is reasonable to say "condoms suck, forget em." No one is entitled to a 100% effective contraception. Where is the room for God to move?

[/rant]


If that isn't the most self-righteous, narrow-minded, condescending thing I have ever heard in my life! You are not irresponsible and unprepared for marriage (a commitment between two adults) just because you are not at a place where you feel ready to care for one or more infants who, unlike adults, need constant care! What would be irresponsible would be to go into a marriage knowing you are unprepared for such a task and not taking the proper precautions until such time as you are prepared. Please look in the Bible and find a verse that calls this sin before you go spouting this "Duggar drivel."

I mean really. At what point do you draw the line? You imply that birth control is not leaving room for God and essentially taking power away from him. Well did you get your flu shot last year? If you did you obviously didn't trust God to do what he thought best for you. And did your willingness to take the shot display your irresponsibility in that you were not "prepared" to be sick?

Sorry, I just had to give my 2 cents. It's comments like the one I responded to that lead so many people away from God because too many alleged Christians have a way of turning almost anything into a "sin."


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Re: Condoms or not...

Postby venom51 » Wed May 04, 2011 7:37 am

blushingwife wrote:I would consider other birth control options and would bring condoms as back up.
Condoms do suck though.


What other options should we consider? There isn't long to go now and I think the pill isn't affecting FW too badly.

Thanks everyone else too.
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Re: Condoms or not...

Postby ledgemoor » Wed May 04, 2011 10:06 am

Job, even if a couple can afford kids right away, a lot of people including me think it is a good idea to have a year or two alone together to build the maritial relationship before further complicating things with children. I would not encourage my children to get pregnant right away.

I do not like condoms either. The sensation is still good, but they are emotional barrier, and there is too much room for cockpit error for new couples -- or even couples who have been married a long time but are in the throes of passion -- we learned this the hard way :-)

We used the pill for a while before we ran into problems. That wouldn't have been my recommendation, but now that you have them, I recommend staying on them until a few months after the honeymoon, then switching to something else. Diaphragms work well, although DW got sensitive to the spermacide after a while.

The new FAM/NFP etc. -- new high-tech versions of what we used to call the "rythm method" -- look interesting. There are a lot of users here. You can always suppliment with condoms during your riskiest days -- condom's aren't so horrible if you don't have to use them all the time. Have also heard of people using diaphragms without spermacide. As Job said, there is always a risk of getting pregnant. All you can do is reduce the risk.

If the three months or whatever the doctor told you it would take for the pill to kick in have not elapsed by your wedding, wow, that's a tough one. To me it would be worth waiting another month if that's what it took to avoid condoms, but it probably wouldn't be practical to move the wedding at the last minute. She could get fitted with a diaphragm now.
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Re: Condoms or not...

Postby jokerman » Wed May 04, 2011 10:46 am

As someone who got married in 1987 and intentionally waited until 1995 to have his first child, I'm very much in favor of the "stewardship/management" model (a model that some will disparage, but you know what, I don't have time to doubt myself; I'd do it the same way if I was starting over). When we were using the pill, we never bothered with a condom. The likelihood of getting pregnant while on the pill is something like 1 percent.
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Re: Condoms or not...

Postby venom51 » Wed May 04, 2011 12:15 pm

Yes by the time we are married the FW will have been on the pill maybe 5 or 6 months so it should be fine. I don't want to use condoms at all but I'm just thinking that maybe we should use them to double up.
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Re: Condoms or not...

Postby jokerman » Wed May 04, 2011 12:29 pm

We used condoms as our main source of b/c for a long time, and even now we use them for odd reasons -- like when DW is on an anti-biotic. But I've never used them as another degree of security because 1. the pill is already lowering your chances to nearly nothing and 2. you are sacrificing much of the pleasure for the barest level of extra protection. When the wife is on the pill AND the couple is using condoms, it's like the family that adds a fourth and fifth deadbolt to the frontdoor of a home that's already in a safe suburb. Sometimes too much is too much.
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Re: Condoms or not...

Postby blushingwife » Wed May 04, 2011 12:30 pm

Birth control is not easy if one can't use hormonal methods (which many women can't)
I have tried most of it, and now we are back to condoms until DH decides to have a vasectomy (half a dozen kids is plenty)

You don't want condoms as they rob A LOT from the experience.
If the pill agrees with her body, there is no reason to use condoms. I
Again, PLEASE remember that if her libido becomes low, the pill should be the first suspect - NOT her body.
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Re: Condoms or not...

Postby GoSarahGo » Wed May 04, 2011 12:47 pm

Hi,

When we got married we were exactly in your boat. There's the intimacy issue, the control issue, and the pregnancy issue, so I'll address each.

I was on the pill when we got married and had been for some time due to major cramping and period blood loss issues. My husband (then fiance) was aware of this, and during our engagement we discussed the pros and cons of using condoms for added protection versus relying on just the pill. I'd been on the pill for about five years at the time and had always done really well on it, and I had time during our courtship and engagement to get really good at practicing taking it for birth control purposes since we were virgins until our wedding night. But we were still a little uncomfortable with relying on something we couldn't see/feel, so we decided to at least start out with condoms. We used them on our wedding night and for several months afterward.

The first time we made love without a condom it was a huge thrill for both of us and so intimate compared to when we used condoms. Physically the sensations were noticeably better for me and tremendously better for husband. The sensation and realization of nothing coming between us, ad the fact of him ejaculating inside me (not inside the condom) was (and is) a very powerful, bonding experience. I think that this would have been an incredible thing to experience on our wedding night.

The downside is that when the condoms came off, husband got so much sensation that he could only last about two minutes. Even when we first started having sex he lasted longer than this, which was due to the condoms cutting down the sensations. So by using condoms on the honeymoon you would lose some intimacy but probably gain some control, which is the tradeoff we experienced.

As to reliability, we haven't used condoms in over a year, and my periods have been like clockwork since then--no pregnancy scares. But we do make sure to use the pill _very_carefully. Some of the keys are beginning packs on schedule, taking at the same time each day, not missing any, and being aware that antibiotics or throwing up soon after a pill dose can interfere with them, as can time zone changes. We also keep nonexpired condoms around in case we do need a backup method due to antibiotics or messed-up scheduling or something.

I hope that this is some help to you.
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Re: Condoms or not...

Postby The Knight's Lady » Wed May 04, 2011 1:12 pm

To the OP - if the pill does become something you and your DW don't like (for reasons like low libido, mood swings, etc) I would suggest you look into the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM). The best resource I have found on this is the book Taking Charge of your Fertility. Also, there are several people on this board (myself included) who practice FAM and could answer questions if you have any.

FWIW, I was on the pill for years before DH and I got married and I didn't realize how much it had lowered my sex drive until I went off it about 3 years into our marriage. Since we weren't sexually active before marriage or before I was ever on the pill, I didn't have any idea of my true drive until I went off the pill.
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Re: Condoms or not...

Postby mrbubba » Wed May 04, 2011 2:31 pm

I don't think those on chemical birth control need to use condoms ever, unless one partner has something like herpes, which I hope is not the case here.

One thing I would definitely bring along on the honeymoon is lubricant like K-Y. It's always a good idea, and especially when one's wife is on hormonal birth control--it can mess with a woman's natural lubrication.

And sex is just about ALWAYS better without condoms--my wife and I have used NFP very effectively to space our children, so we haven't bought any for well over a decade.
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Re: Condoms or not...

Postby ledgemoor » Wed May 04, 2011 2:57 pm

The downside is that when the condoms came off, husband got so much sensation that he could only last about two minutes. Even when we first started having sex he lasted longer than this, which was due to the condoms cutting down the sensations. So by using condoms on the honeymoon you would lose some intimacy but probably gain some control, which is the tradeoff we experienced.


Good point. You won't need them for birth control, but sure, take some along in case you want to experiment with helping him last longer.

The actually don't deaden the sensation that much for me, and don't slow my ejacualtion that much. But they do help. I just missed knowing I was touching her in there and ejaculating in her. And a used condom is way grosser than DW dripping all over the place :-)

Since you aren't using them for birth control, you can put it on before you start foreplay or anytime. You don't have to stop everything to put it on just before entry, and withdraw just after ejaculation like you do if you are using them for birth control. Another thing I hated about condoms.

We also used a desensitizing cream called Maintain. We always used a comdom with it to keep it off of DW. That worked pretty well.

I definitely wouldn't use a condom the first time though. The first time isn't about being good lovers. It is just about becoming ONE. That's all. Don't be surprised if you put it in and he goes off immediately. This is a very exciting time for a man, and ejaculating right away or even before he gets it in is normal. Your vagina probably wouldn't want him going at it in there for 10 minutes anyway until it gets used to intercourse.
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Re: Condoms or not...

Postby NW Natives » Thu May 05, 2011 12:16 am

We had to use condoms for the first month of marriage because I had accidentally messed up my pill regime and my Dr told me there was a slight possibility my BC pill wouldn't cover me for a month. We were VERY happy to say goodbye to condoms after the month was up! The only nice thing we had to say about them was that they are nice for quick clean up...not all the dripping and whatnot. However this is small beans compared to "skin on skin".
It's totally your call, and if it makes you more comfortable to use them then go ahead, but give "skin on skin" a try and you may very well give up on condoms and just go with the BC pill. :)
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