passive/aggressive behavior in the addict??

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...

passive/aggressive behavior in the addict??

Postby islandgirl4life » Mon Oct 25, 2010 6:14 am

Do any of you see this behavior in your SO?
I have been doing good at "doing me"...Reading, learning everything I can, letting him do his own thing, etc..
But I noticed yesterday that my husband was seeming to use some passive/aggressive types of things which drives on my nerves and is my new challenge.
Last week I asked him if he could move a tv for me, he said yes, but didn't do it. I reminded him nicely and again he said he would, but didn't.
Last night I asked him if he would take something in the computer room for me since he was headed in there. Again, he said yes, and then picked up his tea which was sitting right next to the item, and didn't take the item.
These seem like little things, but I seriously think he does it on purpose in a passive/aggressive type of thing. He has done it in the past as well.
Do you notice anything like that in your SO? It makes me wonder if he is just trying to make me mad, since I have been so happy...
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Re: passive/aggressive behavior in the addict??

Postby KyWildcat » Mon Oct 25, 2010 6:17 am

islandgirl4life wrote:Do you notice anything like that in your SO? It makes me wonder if he is just trying to make me mad, since I have been so happy...

I'll admit it. I have a very hard time keeping everyone's situations straight. It's not my strong suit. Sorry.

If he has in the past been able to control your mood and you have made a change to remove this control it is likely that he is looking for other ways to control your mood.
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Re: passive/aggressive behavior in the addict??

Postby islandgirl4life » Mon Oct 25, 2010 7:08 am

Thanks..that's kind of what I was wondering/thinking...
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Re: passive/aggressive behavior in the addict??

Postby Leah » Mon Oct 25, 2010 7:22 am

You might check out this post

And yes, it is my experience that addiction and passive-aggression go hand-in-glove with each other. This is where your boundaries will become very important. Again, from my own experience, expecting there to be follow through is dangerous. I stopped asking. If I wanted something done and done in a timely way, I did it myself. For the TV thing, the best thing to do is wait until you know the time is right and then ask, "We have a minute. Please come and we will move the TV."

Then there are the launching questions.

Me: Are you hungry? (should be simple yes or no)
Him: What do you want?
Me: I want you to tell me if you are hungry. (seems obvious)
Him: I told you I would bring you something.
Me: Which would be lovely if that's what I asked you. Are you hungry?

So now I expect a direct answer.

Me: Are you hungry?
Him: What do you want?
Me: Is that a yes or no? (rinse and repeat)
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Re: passive/aggressive behavior in the addict??

Postby Headsong » Mon Oct 25, 2010 7:27 am

LOL. Which goes to say that sometimes, it's not intentional, it's just OUR reaction to it. Sometimes it's ADD. And sometimes it's pink/blue. Sometimes it's just miscommunications...like as I answer I'm trying to figure out what she's really asking and answer that. But usually get it wrong.
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Re: passive/aggressive behavior in the addict??

Postby blushingwife » Mon Oct 25, 2010 7:31 am

There have been many threads on PA behavior lately.
HERE is one of them

HERE is an excellent article on PA behaviour
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Re: passive/aggressive behavior in the addict??

Postby islandgirl4life » Mon Oct 25, 2010 7:53 am

Thanks guys...I am not able to read those posts..what category are they in so I can add them.
I read the one article, and yes, I can relate with it.
Last edited by islandgirl4life on Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:00 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: passive/aggressive behavior in the addict??

Postby Leah » Mon Oct 25, 2010 7:59 am

Headsong wrote:LOL. Which goes to say that sometimes, it's not intentional, it's just OUR reaction to it. Sometimes it's ADD. And sometimes it's pink/blue. Sometimes it's just miscommunications...like as I answer I'm trying to figure out what she's really asking and answer that. But usually get it wrong.


Oh, no, Jake is passive-aggressive. No doubt about that. His whole family is. OP is asking whether it is common for an addict to also be passive-aggressive. My experience is that PA and SA are both present. Passive-aggressives are all about the control. Control was one of the big issues discussed in codependency recovery groups. Not all PAs are addicts, nor are all addicts all PA, but there is quite a bit of common behavior documented in the recovery literature.
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Re: passive/aggressive behavior in the addict??

Postby Leah » Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:01 am

islandgirl4life wrote:Thanks guys...I am not able to read those posts..what category are they in so I can add them.


The post I linked is in Sexually Refused. The post blushing wife linked is in Nonsexual Marriage Issues.
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Re: passive/aggressive behavior in the addict??

Postby Seekryt » Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:44 am

Leah in Mid-South wrote:
Headsong wrote:LOL. Which goes to say that sometimes, it's not intentional, it's just OUR reaction to it. Sometimes it's ADD. And sometimes it's pink/blue. Sometimes it's just miscommunications...like as I answer I'm trying to figure out what she's really asking and answer that. But usually get it wrong.


Oh, no, Jake is passive-aggressive. No doubt about that. His whole family is. OP is asking whether it is common for an addict to also be passive-aggressive. My experience is that PA and SA are both present. Passive-aggressives are all about the control. Control was one of the big issues discussed in codependency recovery groups. Not all PAs are addicts, nor are all addicts all PA, but there is quite a bit of common behavior documented in the recovery literature.


No kidding. It's rampant.

Mine is definitely PA. It's been an interesting journey.

I'm glad you're trying to identify soe of the characteristics. As you go along, you'll be able to see what part is the addiction more and more clearly.
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Re: passive/aggressive behavior in the addict??

Postby Shipguy » Mon Oct 25, 2010 9:10 am

islandgirl4life wrote:Thanks guys...I am not able to read those posts..what category are they in so I can add them.
I read the one article, and yes, I can relate with it.



* Board index ‹ Non-Sexual Marriage Issues ‹ Other Non-sexual Marriage Issues
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Re: passive/aggressive behavior in the addict??

Postby islandgirl4life » Mon Oct 25, 2010 12:44 pm

Oh my word....no wonder I have felt like I was going crazy at times.....
Head games on top of everything else..ughhhhh! :oops:
When I went to bed last night I just kept thinking that his words mean nothing.
I will listen to his actions, not his words...
It goes back to that quote by Maya Angelou..."When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time"...
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Re: passive/aggressive behavior in the addict??

Postby Headsong » Mon Oct 25, 2010 1:53 pm

Just thinking out loud, so much grace asked for (not that I deserve it! :lol: )....

PA I can sure admit to using in the past, but it had nothing to do with addiction...it had to do with bitterness taking root in me with no way to express it since I had to walk on eggshells and not discuss the real issues in our relationship. (Yes, I wear the estrogen comparatively, my DW is of alcoholic root, a 'drunken mistake' she was told early on, the last of the litter...so she shut down her emotions, and has only in the past half dozen years begun to find the real ones.) So when you feel like you can't express yourself properly, PA behavior certainly rears up.

I have no idea how that relates to this, unless the DH is feeling so rejected (and don't misunderstand, rightly so) that they can't talk, or even know how to talk...and again, this IS spiritual war. The last thing the enemy wants is another man freed from sexual sin!

Try not to get trapped in it...live 'apart' from it, if you know what I mean, emotionally. But also try to be safe to talk to when it's time.

Probably none of that makes any good sense.
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Re: passive/aggressive behavior in the addict??

Postby Leah » Mon Oct 25, 2010 3:19 pm

Headsong wrote:PA I can sure admit to using in the past, but it had nothing to do with addiction...it had to do with bitterness taking root in me with no way to express it since I had to walk on eggshells and not discuss the real issues in our relationship. (Yes, I wear the estrogen comparatively, my DW is of alcoholic root, a 'drunken mistake' she was told early on, the last of the litter...so she shut down her emotions, and has only in the past half dozen years begun to find the real ones.) So when you feel like you can't express yourself properly, PA behavior certainly rears up.


Jake was the middle child in his family. He is also the first of the "unwanted" children. His mother never made any secret of it. From what I have read, anger and bitterness are indeed at the root of PA. And I believe the inability to communicate deep feelings and needs means it all has to go somewhere. The spouse is often the convenient target.

Headsong wrote:Probably none of that makes any good sense.


It makes a lot of sense, actually.
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Re: passive/aggressive behavior in the addict??

Postby anotherceekryt » Thu Oct 28, 2010 9:05 pm

I think the PA might be attached to the addiction.

The challenge ends up being with unwritten interpretation of request (as well as not actually recognizing the importance of the request)

I'll use Leigh's example (and what I would be thinking in this situation in blue)
Me: Are you hungry? (should be simple yes or no)
Him: What do you want? (She's not just asking if I'm hungry but she's hungry (which is why she's asking). If we don't have the "right" thing to eat, I'll hear about it)
Me: I want you to tell me if you are hungry. (seems obvious)
Him: I told you I would bring you something. (Why can't she wait for me to figure this out? What does she want? I'm not really hungry but she seems to be because she keeps asking. Why won't she just tell me what she wants? Can't she just wait a minute?)Me: Which would be lovely if that's what I asked you. Are you hungry?
(Now she's just being condesending. Why don't she just tell me what she wants?)
So now I expect a direct answer.

Me: Are you hungry?
Him: What do you want? (Now she's just trying to piss me off. Stay cool. Go do something else. Distract yourself until this gets sorted. She's probably going to pick something I don't want anyway)
Me: Is that a yes or no? (rinse and repeat)


I know I did actively say yes to do things and then not do them. I was not in a place to give any other response (I couldn't say "Not now". I couldn't ask why DW wanted the thing done. I couldn't do the task for DW because I didn't think it was important (rather than seeing it as pleasing her)).

There is a lot of headspace games that goes on within the addict. This can sometimes be the addiction purposly trying to create distance to act out (that the addict won't see until they can truthfully confront themselves).
The best thing that a counsellor told me was, "Listen to what your wife says. She means exactly what she says. Don't read any added meaning to it." This doesn't always work as DW can be sarcastic (and I take it literal) but we now talk like this in serious conversations. From there, it gives me a safer place to say what I mean as well (without over reading). From there, there becomes no real room to be PA. I can't play mind games as she is speaking exactly what she means and I can finally start to share and work through some of the wrong mental thinking that I've got.

If possible, for those with PA spouses, tell them that you will speak literally. This might force the occasional requirement to ensure boundaries are enforced (and addict PA is called out), but, I believe this will create some stability and to the addict to allow them to recognize that they are not right in the head. From there, you can directly confront why there is no integrety. It might simply be that the PA is over-reading and therefore doesn't even acknowledge half of what they say and is instead operating on the hidden subtext in their head.

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Re: passive/aggressive behavior in the addict??

Postby Seekryt » Thu Oct 28, 2010 9:18 pm

Hey babe.

anotherceekryt wrote:
The best thing that a counsellor told me was, "Listen to what your wife says. She means exactly what she says. Don't read any added meaning to it." This doesn't always work as DW can be sarcastic (and I take it literal) but we now talk like this in serious conversations. From there, it gives me a safer place to say what I mean as well (without over reading). From there, there becomes no real room to be PA. I can't play mind games as she is speaking exactly what she means and I can finally start to share and work through some of the wrong mental thinking that I've got.



That counsellor was right on. That phrase has served us well.


What do you mean, sarcastic? I prefer "humorous", or perhaps "sexy, witty and cute".
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Re: passive/aggressive behavior in the addict??

Postby Headsong » Fri Oct 29, 2010 10:53 am

Sorry, I think that counsellor was nuts! A woman saying exactly what she meant? Seriously? That is true for men, except when we're trying to get sex, where we often have to tippy toe around. But women? It always feels like there's a hidden agenda that I'm magically supposed to know! And the assumption that I've already been in her head and understand all the contexts and players that she's talking about.

Seriously?
:lol:
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Re: passive/aggressive behavior in the addict??

Postby Job29Man » Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:23 am

All these discussions about PA behavior and addictive personalities has helped me a lot in my profession as a Prison Correctional Officer. It has helped me to understand the behavior of the prison inmates, to recognize their games, and to neutralize their manipulation. It seems to me that many of them are PA. They are master manipulators but knowing about PA helps one to not fall into their little "traps."
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Re: passive/aggressive behavior in the addict??

Postby GrowingDaily » Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:44 am

To address the issue about whether a woman can say what she means, I, for one, am learning. I am noticing that in the past I'd be mad if dh didn't notice he had hurt me so I'd just withdraw etc hoping he'd figure it out. Not a good strategy. I am learning to say exactly what I mean and he can then take it or leave it. But at least it's out there. Yes, I've had to face some fears re: confrontation but it's worth it. I think we've actually both been PA with each other.
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Re: passive/aggressive behavior in the addict??

Postby blushingwife » Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:54 am

I am a woman and always say what I mean.
Granted, it only started recently, when I realized I was getting too old to continue playing stupid games or being afraid of being honest ;)
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