Husbands porn addiction destroying our marriage

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...

Husbands porn addiction destroying our marriage

Postby mama108 » Tue Feb 23, 2010 8:47 pm

I will try to be brief. 10 years ago my beautiful son was diagnosed with a severe form autism. The following years he also became a very sick little boy. We also had a daughter that was 4 years old. Right after we got over our grief, things started to go down hill. My Husband through himself into work and I was left to take care of everything else. I did not mind. I felt bad for him because he has a low self esteem, so I did not want to add any more stress to him. So I took on all the therapy, medical doctors, school and insurance issues for my son. Since then he works many hours and is rarely home. This has been for 10 years. It has been 10 years since we have made love. I was doing so much every day, seven days a week, with no breaks. I became very tired. My son has sleeping issues so that brings on a different set of challenges. My husband just does not want to deal with any of that so I did because I knew he had a lot of stress from working different days and different shifts. So I tried to make sure I pampered him so he did not feel left out. So about a year ago he started mentioning about not having any relations in 10 years and he misses that part. So I make arrangement for both kids to be taken care of and made sure we had time for romance and intimacy. Well, he was to tired, so I just forgot about it and figured I will try again sometime soon. I have never denied him at any time, it was just a time issue. So each time I tried to make that time, something would come up. So just a month ago I found out that he bought a porn magazine. When I found this out, my first reaction was guilt. In-fact when I approached him the next day I told him that it was my fault that he has resorted to having to use porn. And I am going to do everything in my power to make sure we have that intimacy again. So I asked him when he was off again, and again I made sure the kids were taken care of and I got up, fixed myself up with makeup and something a little sexy. He would not wake up. So I let him go. I figured that he was really tired. When he woke up he said he just cannot do things that are planned and that he is having ED issues. First, I felt very rejected, then I just wanted to help him. He is only 44 years old. So I did research and tried to see if he will see a dr. but he will not. Last night I found a new porn magazine. This time I am very hurt and I do not know what it is that I am doing or not doing. I think that he is not attracted to me because I have gain weight. I am about 200 pounds. I have noticed it does seem to bother him. I do not understand that because he has gained a lot of weight also. He is 340 and I and still attracted to him. Sorry if my post is to long. I am very new at this. God Bless You!
mama108
Double
 
Posts: 88
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2010 10:29 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 4th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: Husbands porn addiction destroying our marriage

Postby Seekryt » Tue Feb 23, 2010 10:15 pm

Hi mama108. sorry to see you here under these circumstances.

I have a few questions for you.

Is your husband a Christian?
Do you guys attend a church?
How often have you guys approached each other for sex over the last 10 years?
How long has your husband been looking at porn?
Does he understand that it's wrong? Is he willing to stop?
Aee you both willing to go to counselling?
Help Support TMB!

Always know where your towel is.
User avatar
Seekryt
Blanket on a secluded beach!
 
Posts: 1763
Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 8:29 pm
Location: Alberta, Canada
Date of your marriage (past or future): July 4th, 1999
Gender: Female

Re: Husbands porn addiction destroying our marriage

Postby Leah » Tue Feb 23, 2010 10:17 pm

What are you doing for yourself? Reading? Groups?

My recommendation is Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. I also like small groups of safe people as a way to process, heal, and grow.

I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing. It is a kind of pain that cannot be understood.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis
User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
 
Posts: 11665
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Location: The Volunteer State
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female

Re: Husbands porn addiction destroying our marriage

Postby mama108 » Tue Feb 23, 2010 11:17 pm

Thank you so much for you're caring words. I am going to answer seekryt's questions. Please forgive me but I have had a non stop migraine for 2 days now. Meds are not working. So forgive any spelling problems.

Is your husband a Christian? He believes but does not walk. I have tried to get him to read the bible with me. I tried to introduce him to christian rock music, christian movies et... He is not interested

Do you guys attend a church? I am the one that takes the kids to church. He went one time with me and sat in the cafe and drank a cup of coffee with me until church started. Right before church started he said I just do not want to be here and he said he was going to the mall he will be back to pick us up when the service was done. It took everything in my power not to cry during the service. You cannot force someone to share something so intimate as worshiping the Lord. So I do not even ask anymore, because he always says he would but he has to go to work the next day and he need to prepare himself for that.

How often have you guys approached each other for sex over the last 10 years? Maybe 3 or 4 times. It is me that does the approaching, he usually has some type of excuse. I have the HD and he has always been LD even in his 20's. I wanted him to get tested for low testosterone and for diabetes. I did not mention about the l ow testosterone because I did not want him to feel bad. So I asked him to get his sugar tested beause that runs in his family. At first he said ok, then he has made excuses ever since. He will approach me by touching me and saying how much he wants me. But that is ALWAYS when we can not go any further for some reason or another. But when we can go further he is distant and tired.


How long has your husband been looking at porn? He had this problem when we first got married, but I thought it was ok because I trusted what he told me. It was just recently that I found the 2 magazines. That was only by Gods revealing this to me. I thought I was just so repulsive that he just could not bring himself to be with me. He works in a enviroment that is all men and I know he is exposed to it all the time. I do not know how much he looks. But I read that if a man is addicted to porn and he mast----- all the time that he will have a problem having relations with his wife. That is why I was so heart broken to find these.


Does he understand that it's wrong? Is he willing to stop? I wrote him a note yesterday and left the house with my kids for a while. He left for work at 9 pm and left me note telling me that he is sorry and that he wants to change. But one of the problems that he always has is going full forse and then fizzeling out no matter what he is doing, except for work at his job. It is like that with sex also. He starts out good and then gets tired and just finishes up and that is all. I never let that bother me because I love him.


Aee you both willing to go to counselling? We have counseling at our church but he is one to say I will do this on my own. Where as I need to talk to someone. I thank God I found this fourm. Thank you for being so kind. And thank you for you advice.
mama108
Double
 
Posts: 88
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2010 10:29 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 4th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: Husbands porn addiction destroying our marriage

Postby blushingwife » Tue Feb 23, 2010 11:48 pm

Wow... I am so sorry for all the pain you both have had
in the past ten years :( So sad to imagine.

Serious counselling for the both of you is all I can think of. And prayer.

As to your concern with his health, his weight could be behind the ED issues he claims to have. Howver, if he really had low libido, he probably would have little interest in anything sexual and would probably not be looking into porn. What often happens is that some men who use porn will prefer to MB to a magazine than to have sex with their wives because it is quick, easy and requires no intimacy. It is the selfish way out.
blushingwife
Under the stars
 
Posts: 3977
Joined: Wed Jul 25, 2007 6:59 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 14th, 1997
Gender: Female

Re: Husbands porn addiction destroying our marriage

Postby mama108 » Wed Feb 24, 2010 12:27 am

Concerning what I do for myself. I do not have time for that. I have many therapists that work with my son. I work with them because I do not treat them like baby sitters. They are here to teach us as a family how to deal with my sons behavior and developmental issues. I respect them enough to not use them in the wrong way. Plus I take care of everything in the house, including plastering a large hole in our kitchen a few months ago. I really just do what I have to every day, and if I get 5 hours sleep a night I am happy. Just like a lot of us moms.

Plus I had opened up to a few christian friends concerning finances and other issues and they told me I should not be complaining and I should not speak certain things such as saying my son is autistic. When I say he is autistic I am making him autistic. They then told me that he cannot be saved because he is non verbal and he cannot proclaim Jesus as Lord so he is not going the Heaven. After that I just decided to stay to myself. I call prayer lines sometimes when I need to pray with someone.

Also, blushing wife, you make a lot of sense concerning the low libido. But why did he always start out with passion when we made love and then get tired and when he was done we were done. I have only felt satisfied a few times in our limited sexual relationship. Why does he act like he want to ML when we cannot finish the act, and be tired when we can ML?

I have performed OS on him but he has never on me. And I do not care about that, I love making him satisfied. I love to make him happy. I love passion and kissing and I am a bit adventurous. But I do not want him touching me now because I cannot compete with those women in the magazines and I will never be sure he is not thinking about them while we ML.

Concerning his health he is overweight, smokes and does not eat right. Do you think this is a lot of the problem?

I have been wanting to go to counseling but he is a very "to himself" person. He goes to work and comes home that is it. I go to the relatives for all the holidays with the kids and he really just likes being to himself. So I will have a hard time getting him to open up to a stranger.

Sorry for the rambling. I am not feeling good.

Thank you for your prayers.
mama108
Double
 
Posts: 88
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2010 10:29 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 4th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: Husbands porn addiction destroying our marriage

Postby thinkingswiftly » Wed Feb 24, 2010 2:00 am

mama108 wrote:He believes but does not walk.
I tried to introduce him to christian rock music, christian movies et...
He went one time with me and sat in the cafe and drank a cup of coffee with me until church started.
You cannot force someone to share something so intimate as worshiping the Lord.
He had this problem when we first got married, but I thought it was ok because I trusted what he told me. It was just recently that I found the 2 magazines.
I thought I was just so repulsive that he just could not bring himself to be with me. He works in a enviroment that is all men and I know he is exposed to it all the time. I do not know how much he looks.But I read that
We have counseling at our church but he is one to say I will do this on my own


Those are the important things I see out of what you've said so far. These statements and snippets tell a lot about you, how you perceive the world, and what you are looking for.

First, don't blame anyone here. Things need to change on both of your parts. I suspect he's not trying to be a bad husband nor are you trying to be a bad wife. But it also sounds like you both have. You are both under what is known as a role strain. You are overworked yourself from caring for the kids (and putting them above yourself and your spouse). He's overworked from chronically working to avoid dealing with some tough problems and coping the only way he knows how but it ain't working. I'd expect that his dad handles things the same way.

Second, your comments "He believes but not walk" then "I tried to introduce him to Christian rock music, Christian movies, etc" tell me that you probably need reevaluate what you define as Christian. Your statement implies that you believe Christian things include certain movies and songs (etc I'm assuming may include magazines, books, tv shows, pamphlets, seminars). Your statements also imply that if one does not do these things one is not a Christian. You are condemning him (and a lot of us as your brothers and sisters in Christ) by these beliefs. I'd challenge you to do some real, deep bible studies and try to determine if these things are really the things that make or break being Christian or if the focus is elsewhere, like how you treat those in need and how you treat others when you are the one in need.

Also you said "He went one time with me and sat in the cafe and drank a cup of coffee with me until church started". Do you go to a megachurch? Evangelical or Charismatic? Do you believe in the Rapture? I say this because I am going to challenge you to look around next time you are at church and count the number of men versus the number of women. Most Evangelical and Charismatic churches have something like 70% women. Some believe it is because these churches (and Protestant churches in general, including mine) emphasize things that men have a more difficult time relating to. Maybe it is time to find a church he likes and feels more comfortable in, especially if he wasn't raised Christian or maybe it is too far or too close to what he was raised in.

"You cannot force someone to share something so intimate as worshiping the Lord" How do you define worship? How do you see it? What is worship to you? I once had a friend make the statement "I know this is selfish of me, but I don't like going to churches where I feel like the worship team is experiencing more of the Lord than I am" To this day, I have no idea what this statement means but it makes perfect sense to my wife.

"He had this problem when we first got married, but I thought it was okay because I trusted what he told me" "It was just recently that I found the 2 magazines" Marriage wont' fix people's bad spots. Marriage also doesn't keep things that have changed from changing back. He might or might not have lied to you. I don't know. But what about all the things you told him at that point in time? Have you lived up to everything you promised?

"I thought I was just so repulsive that he just could not bring himself to be with me. He works in an an environment that is all men and I know he is exposed to it all the time. I do not know how much he looks. But I read that" Stop reading things that make you believe you are repulsive, boys will be boys, and that men who X will Y. Bottom line, it ain't true, it is destructive to your marriage, and it lets people make excuses for themselves because it is easy. Here are some common cop-outs (sp?) that I hate "all women gain weight when they get pregnant" "boys will be boys" "he can't help it that he is a seething lustful sin-monster"

"We have counseling at your church, but he is one to say I will do this on my own" Once again, consider at least switching churches, or preferably going to a real counselor.


Please understand, I'm really not trying to start a war over theology or otherwise. And I am not trying to point fingers at you as the bad guy here. You both have a COUPLES problem. He has done wrong, but I'll challenge that so have you. Blaming other people or things for problems is one of the easiest ways to keep you from thinking of a useful solution. So is making excuses and pulling the "boys will be boys" card. You are both going to have to change yourselves if you want your marriage to work.

It sounds like the biggest problem you have as a couple is you don't communicate well and leave your problems alone until they are long past due.

If he works too much, get a job. If he doesn't like your church, find one with him. If he's stressed about the kids, get him to spend more time with them. If you think you are unattractive, go to the gym. If he's having health issues, get him to go to the gym. If he's been on night shift for years and goes to work late, make him find a new job on day shift. Take a vacation with or without the kids. Talk with him. Confront him. If being nice doesn't work, then be tough.

I'm sorry if I seem out of line, but that is honestly what I'd want someone to tell me if I were in your situation. I'm praying for you.
thinkingswiftly
Queen bed
 
Posts: 222
Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 1:19 am

Re: Husbands porn addiction destroying our marriage

Postby mamame » Wed Feb 24, 2010 5:32 am

thinkingswiftly wrote:[
It sounds like the biggest problem you have as a couple is you don't communicate well and leave your problems alone until they are long past due.

If he works too much, get a job. If he doesn't like your church, find one with him. If he's stressed about the kids, get him to spend more time with them. If you think you are unattractive, go to the gym. If he's having health issues, get him to go to the gym. If he's been on night shift for years and goes to work late, make him find a new job on day shift. Take a vacation with or without the kids.
.

Seriously?? That is your advice? Did you read the list of things this woman is already responsible for? She's over committed as it is - get a job, go the gym? Make him find a new job? *shakes head*

I hear you mama108. I just want you to know that.

I do agree with thinkingswiftly on point:
Talk with him. Confront him. If being nice doesn't work, then be tough.


Something you said REALLY jumped out at me:

Plus I had opened up to a few christian friends concerning finances and other issues and they told me I should not be complaining and I should not speak certain things such as saying my son is autistic. When I say he is autistic I am making him autistic. They then told me that he cannot be saved because he is non verbal and he cannot proclaim Jesus as Lord so he is not going the Heaven


You need some new friends. Is this the prevailing opinion and attitude of your church? If it is - I am going to strongly suggest you start looking for a new place to worship. There are some big time problems with that kind of thinking.
mamame
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
 
Posts: 6346
Joined: Sat Sep 17, 2005 1:16 pm

Re: Husbands porn addiction destroying our marriage

Postby blushingwife » Wed Feb 24, 2010 5:50 am

Leave this church. Find new friends!!

What a horrific thing to say!!!!! :evil: :evil:
blushingwife
Under the stars
 
Posts: 3977
Joined: Wed Jul 25, 2007 6:59 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 14th, 1997
Gender: Female

Re: Husbands porn addiction destroying our marriage

Postby Gemma » Wed Feb 24, 2010 6:18 am

I echo what others have said--- You need a new church and you need new friends. If your idea of what a Christian should look/act like is the same as what your church teaches, I can totally see why your husband wants no part of it. And with friends like that, who needs enemies.
Gemma~ refuser for 25yrs, awakened since Dec 2006!
passionwithinmarriage.blogspot.com

There'll be no locks or bolts between us, Mary Kate... except those in your own mercenary little heart! (Thornton in The Quiet Man)
User avatar
Gemma
Under the stars
 
Posts: 4029
Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2006 4:21 pm
Location: West Michigan
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 14th, 1981
Gender: Female

Re: Husbands porn addiction destroying our marriage

Postby MayDayGirl » Wed Feb 24, 2010 6:53 am

Agreeing with the others: FIND A NEW CHURCH NOW!!!!!!!!!! That is just sick that anyone would say a child with any sort of disability can't be saved. Just sick. Read the scriptures and examine how Jesus treated children and those with physical and mental issues. Then try to imagine what Jesus would say to the people in your congregation who would tell you that your son won't get into heaven because he is non-verbal.
MayDayGirl

"God has spoken, the rest is commentary" - Rob Bell
User avatar
MayDayGirl
King bed
 
Posts: 640
Joined: Thu Aug 24, 2006 4:54 pm
Location: The Burbs

Re: Husbands porn addiction destroying our marriage

Postby flor » Wed Feb 24, 2010 6:54 am

MayDayGirl wrote:Agreeing with the others: FIND A NEW CHURCH NOW!!!!!!!!!! That is just sick that anyone would say a child with any sort of disability can't be saved. Just sick. Read the scriptures and examine how Jesus treated children and those with physical and mental issues. Then try to imagine what Jesus would say to the people in your congregation who would tell you that your son won't get into heaven because he is non-verbal.



+ 1

That is about the saddest thing I've ever heard.
User avatar
flor
Queen bed
 
Posts: 129
Joined: Mon Jul 30, 2007 12:17 pm

Re: Husbands porn addiction destroying our marriage

Postby Gemma » Wed Feb 24, 2010 7:33 am

mama108,

It doesn’t matter whether or not your dh’s interested in bible reading, Christian rock, Christian movies, etc. None of those things make one a Christian. And you’re right, you can’t force someone to worship with you but you certainly can sit down together and ask him, “Dh, if you were to attend a church, what would it be like? What type of church do you think you might attend? Is there a church anywhere in our community that you think you might consider visiting and possibly attending?” Your dh is not impressed with your church. My dh wouldn’t be and frankly, I wouldn’t be either.

mama108 wrote: How often have you guys approached each other for sex over the last 10 years? Maybe 3 or 4 times. It is me that does the approaching, he usually has some type of excuse. I have the HD and he has always been LD even in his 20's. I wanted him to get tested for low testosterone and for diabetes. I did not mention about the l ow testosterone because I did not want him to feel bad. So I asked him to get his sugar tested beause that runs in his family. At first he said ok, then he has made excuses ever since. He will approach me by touching me and saying how much he wants me. But that is ALWAYS when we can not go any further for some reason or another. But when we can go further he is distant and tired.


This speaks volumes. It doesn’t matter who approached whom if it’s only been done 3-4 times in the last 10 years. The “3-4 times in 10 years” tells me that neither of you really wanted to have sex. I’m not understanding how you can say you are HD when you’ve only asked for sex those 3-4 times in all those years??? And I do understand being busy with job, homemaking, serious, time-consuming health care for kids, etc. My dh and I live with all of that and yet, we make sex a priority in our lives.

Your dh’s possible low T’s, excess weight and diabetes being left untreated will only take years off of his life but he doesn’t seem to care about anything except his work. It sounds to me like he and maybe you too, are dealing with depression. Who knows what other health issues are going on here because just the couple of things you mentioned often brings on more health issues. It’s like the sicknesses and diseases keep multiplying and triggering the onset of more sicknesses and diseases. You guys won’t know until you see a doctor.

Regarding the porn— Years ago my dh worked in an environment where pornographic photo/posters were allowed in individuals private offices. My dh had to see it every time he needed to go in someone’s office yet it never caused him to become interested in porn. This is something your dh has been choosing to do. You can’t blame his work environment.

mama108 wrote: He left for work at 9 pm and left me note telling me that he is sorry and that he wants to change. But one of the problems that he always has is going full forse and then fizzeling out no matter what he is doing, except for work at his job.


This is a symptom of depression. Of course it could be something else but I’m just mentioning “depression” because I know this is a symptom.

mama108 wrote: We have counseling at our church but he is one to say I will do this on my own. Where as I need to talk to someone.


Hon, your dh strongly dislikes (read: hates) your church. Why would he be interested in receiving counseling from them??? Look to other possibilities for getting professional counseling or at the very least, counseling from a different church. That way he’d be more comfortable going and you’d have that other person to talk about the issues.

mama108 wrote:Concerning what I do for myself. I do not have time for that. I have many therapists that work with my son. I work with them because I do not treat them like baby sitters. They are here to teach us as a family how to deal with my sons behavior and developmental issues. I respect them enough to not use them in the wrong way. Plus I take care of everything in the house….


While I commend you for the care you provide for your son and for the respect you give the therapists, you need to understand that if you allow your health to deteriorate or if your marriage goes down the toilet because you and dh are keeping your heads in the sand…. it will affect your kids in a big way. So ignoring your needs and the needs of your marriage will only make things harder for everyone involved.

mama108 wrote: Plus I had opened up to a few christian friends concerning finances and other issues and they told me I should not be complaining and I should not speak certain things such as saying my son is autistic. When I say he is autistic I am making him autistic. They then told me that he cannot be saved because he is non verbal and he cannot proclaim Jesus as Lord so he is not going the Heaven. After that I just decided to stay to myself.


No matter what you say, you are not making your son autistic. And those *friends* know nothing about your son’s salvation. They don’t even know about their own salvation because what they think and what God thinks are likely miles apart; they might be surprised.

mama108 wrote: But I do not want him touching me now because I cannot compete with those women in the magazines and I will never be sure he is not thinking about them while we ML.


Understandably but his porn use is only one piece of the wounded marriage relationship. You guys really need professional help for all the issues.

mama108 wrote: I have been wanting to go to counseling but he is a very "to himself" person. He goes to work and comes home that is it. I go to the relatives for all the holidays with the kids and he really just likes being to himself. So I will have a hard time getting him to open up to a stranger.


Again, depression. You need to insist on counseling. Let him help decide where you guys go but I’d insist. Honestly, and I’m not you but if it were me in your shoes I’d probably tell my dh, “You’re killing yourself, our marriage and hurting the kids. Either agree to join me for counseling or else______” and then the “or else” would be one of a number of things such as, “I’m done. Don’t even talk to me anymore unless it’s to say, “I will go for counseling and will also see a doctor about my health.” Tough love…
Gemma~ refuser for 25yrs, awakened since Dec 2006!
passionwithinmarriage.blogspot.com

There'll be no locks or bolts between us, Mary Kate... except those in your own mercenary little heart! (Thornton in The Quiet Man)
User avatar
Gemma
Under the stars
 
Posts: 4029
Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2006 4:21 pm
Location: West Michigan
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 14th, 1981
Gender: Female

Re: Husbands porn addiction destroying our marriage

Postby mama108 » Wed Feb 24, 2010 10:38 pm

I would like to apologize for not being more clear on many of the opinions I stated yesterday. I am new at this and I did not want to take up to much time or go off topic. So I am very sorry for not giving you more information. I would like to thank you all for your opinions. As I said I do not have anyone to talk to. So by talking to you, I have found out how I can change myself. I would like to give more information on some of the sentences yesterday. The church we belong to now is not the church that said those things I mentioned yesterday. We did leave that church. The church we belong to is not a judgmental church. They are a very loving church. I asked my husband if he wanted to leave our church that we belong to now and he said no, he likes our church very much. He feels respected there. (he did not feel that way at the last one, that is one of the many reasons we left that church. I asked him about the time he could not go in the service. He told me that he was so self conscious about his weight and is very uncomfortable. I can understand that. I also feel uncomfortable, so I know how he feels. I am changing that, for a month now I have been exercising 5 days a week. I am using the tread-mil, bike and I do weights. I am also eating healthy. It is amazing how much better you feel about everything when you take better care of yourself. He told me today that he wants to join me. I was so excited, because that will be something we share. He wants to feel better. That is why he wants to join me in exercising and eating right. Best is he wants to see the doctor about depression. He also told me that he has not felt good for many years. Thanks so much for that great advice about depression. I am making an appointment with our doctor tomorrow morning.

My husband and I had a great time talking today. He opened up to me about many things and I opened up to him. It was great!

He told me about how much guilt he has been carrying over the years. I ask him why, and he said that he is so sorry for putting us in severe debit and that is why he is working so much. I told him that is crazy I do not want my husband dead because of debit. He opened up and told me he has a type of a compulsion. When he buys something he just buys many of them. That he is sorry about the porn magazines, but he also bought all types of magazines. He bought gun magazines, fitness magazines, and cooking magazines. He actually showed the magazines to me. He just had to buy 3 or 4 magazines each visit at the store. He does not know why, but he wants to change. He told me his dad did that. He said that when his dad started buying something such as a flashlight, he would buy as many as he could. When his dad passed away his mom found 80 flashlights in his cloths closet. Now I am not judging anyone, I am only telling you my DH words.

Concerning my comments:
He believes but does not walk.
I tried to introduce him to christian rock music, christian movies et...

I did not mean to sound judgmental. I should have said. We both believe and we both do not walk. I also do not walk in the way I should. I am very sorry for stating it the way I did .

Concerning the Christian rock etc... I only meant to say I wanted him to participate in some of my interests. My DH likes rock and scary movies. He does not really want to watch anything other than scary movies or movies with about 50 F words in them and I really have a hard time with the use of our Lord's name. But I watch the movies because I want to share things with him and I was hoping that he would want to watch something I would want to watch. I also like rock music I just listen to the lyrics now and some of the songs I liked years ago I do not want to listen to now. It was not right for me to expect that of my husband.

The statement, "You cannot force someone to share something so intimate as worshiping the Lord". That was also a stupid statement. I was trying to say is that I long to share reading the bible, prayer, and time with the Lord with the love of my life.

I have been suffering from severe migraines and I should have put off answering anyone until I had my right mind. I was also really mad at him yesterday so you got mostly emotion. Not a good combination. Again sorry for not thinking before I speak.

Concerning communication, you are all right. We just let life go by and functioned in what we thought we should be doing. Not a good thing. It was so nice talking to him today. I really opened up to him. He opened up also. Thanks for the advice.

Also, I may not have given all the information about why I cannot get a job. My son is not only autistic, he is a very sick little boy. Extremely low immune system, seizures, breathing problems etc. To many issues to list. We have 6 to 8 hospital stays per year. Not ER visits, hospital stays. I am taking care of him either in the hospital or at home. So each episode can be a 2 or three week period of time. I have tried to find many jobs. Even working at home. How many people can hire someone with this amount of availability. There are at 20 people after my interviews, and they have availability. You cannot blame the employers. They have to look out for their needs. I thought about babysitting, but what happens to those children when I am in the hospital or I need to care for my son when we get home from the hospital. It would not be right to take peoples children into my home and not be able to properly care for them. I would not feel right just sitting them in-front of the TV. My son needs my undivided attention during those times. And so do those kids.

Concerning my husband getting another job. There are no other jobs. I have 2 friends that have been looking for months. My husband is grateful he has a job. He has gone thru 2 lay offs in a 5 year period of time. We almost lost everything. We have had a hard time financially because of those lay offs. He was just recently called back to work. When he is working he works a lot because he never knows what may happen next. We thank God when he is working because there are many people still looking or just got laid off. It is a very hard thing to go thru. There are so many people are going thru worse than we ever did. We have two friends that work for the same company and they are not sure when whey are getting their notice. We also stay at this company because he has great insurance. The insurance pays for all of my sons therapy and most of his medical bills. What a blessing.

About a vacation, That is a great idea. I would love that, but we do not have anyone to help us with my son for that long of a period of time. Most people are afraid of the medical issues. I can not blame them.
The only one that is not afraid is my mom. That will not work because I actually take care of her now. I drive back and forth to take her to the doctors, help clean, take her to the store. etc... She has a bad heart and is almost blind. I love her and I will help her any way I can.

I want to thank all of you for your suggestions, they were really great and I am going to follow up on all of them. My husband is really asking for help and is now willing to get it.

God really did a miracle in our relationship today. What Satan means for our destruction, God has turned around for his good.

I would like to ask for prayer for one thing (if it is ok)

My husband is trying for a new position, That position will free him up from all the hours that he has been working. We will have more time for each-other.

Also can someone tell me, am I going into a different topic and did I write to much. If so what should I do. I really am not sure how this works.

Thank you all again for GREAT advice and God Bless You.
mama108
Double
 
Posts: 88
Joined: Mon Feb 22, 2010 10:29 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 4th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: Husbands porn addiction destroying our marriage

Postby mamame » Thu Feb 25, 2010 6:45 am

You're doing fine mama108. You just put it out here and we'll sort it out for you OK?

I want to encourage you to start looking for help with your son. Are there any state agencies that will pay for a nurse to come in and stay with him a couple of hours? If he doesn't qualify for that - look to your church. Is there someone who can come in and help you? Even if you don't leave the house - just to give you a couple of hours a week to have time to yourself - or just sleep! You will still be in the house so it's not as intimidating for someone. Don't deny people the blessing of helping you!
mamame
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
 
Posts: 6346
Joined: Sat Sep 17, 2005 1:16 pm

Re: Husbands porn addiction destroying our marriage

Postby Gemma » Thu Feb 25, 2010 7:03 am

mama108,

Thank you for your detailed reply in clarifying everything you initially wrote. It’s good to hear that you are currently in a different church from the one where those *Christian friends* attend… the ones who gave you all that *lovely* advice. And it’s good that your dh is attending your church with you. It’s so important for both spouses to be in sync with their home church. Good for you and dh on the exercise and healthier eating. And WOW on dh’s admitting that depression may be a factor. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Many people suffer in silence with depression because they want to keep it secret… they don’t want others to know about it. I do not deal with major depression but all my life I’ve battled with occasionally rare depressed states and only to a slight degree so I take Wellbutrin to help me stay out of those states.

My 19yodd is insulin dependent diabetic. She also has bipolar disorder so she has to take stronger meds to care for that. She is my kid who I have to constantly watch. We still cannot leave her home alone. Last time we did that when she was 18, dh and I received a phone call from her as we were on our way home from the grocery. We didn’t know but her bipolar meds weren’t strong enough and she had a horrible episode of depression. When she called me she was standing at the top of the stairwell, with thoughts of throwing herself down the stairs. We rushed home and found her hyperventilating and crying hysterically. We couldn’t calm her down and she couldn’t even walk by this point. Dh had to carry her to the car and we rushed her to the hospital where they had to minister a drug to calm her down. Now we do not at all leave her alone.

I shared all that to say I totally get it when you have a dc who needs constant supervision and care. There is no way I could work outside the home when this dd needs constant supervision just as you wouldn’t be able to work with all the care you give to your son. We all do what we’re called to do. My dh and yours are called to be the bread winners. Some of us dw’s are called to care for our kids 24/7. You just go with your calling.

mama108 wrote: Concerning communication, you are all right. We just let life go by and functioned in what we thought we should be doing. Not a good thing. It was so nice talking to him today. I really opened up to him. He opened up also. Thanks for the advice.


Easy to do when you’re busy 24/7, dealing with a sick dc. I totally get it when you say nobody knows how to care for your son so it leaves you without ever getting relief. We went through that for the first year dd was diagnosed with diabetes. There was no family around to help. Not only was I watching dd every day but she’d often go into hypoglycemia during the night so dh and I had to take turns getting up around 2 and 4am every single night to check her blood glucose. Otherwise, we would have risked the chance of her going into seizure during the night without us knowing it. Finally a very kind friend sat me down and asked, “What do I need to learn to care for her? I want to help and give you a break here and there. Teach me what I need to know.” So I did and she faithfully came over once a month so I could get away and do something for me. It was necessary. Perhaps there is a nurse or therapist who would be willing to pitch in once a month as a ministry or for a small fee??? It would be great if you and dh could go on a monthly date while a dependable person could watch your kids. See what you can find for that.

mama108 wrote: I would like to ask for prayer for one thing (if it is ok) My husband is trying for a new position, That position will free him up from all the hours that he has been working. We will have more time for each-other.


Absolutely ::pray !

mama108 wrote: Also can someone tell me, am I going into a different topic and did I write to much. If so what should I do. I really am not sure how this works.


Not a problem. You have nothing to worry over.
Gemma~ refuser for 25yrs, awakened since Dec 2006!
passionwithinmarriage.blogspot.com

There'll be no locks or bolts between us, Mary Kate... except those in your own mercenary little heart! (Thornton in The Quiet Man)
User avatar
Gemma
Under the stars
 
Posts: 4029
Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2006 4:21 pm
Location: West Michigan
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 14th, 1981
Gender: Female

Re: Husbands porn addiction destroying our marriage

Postby thinkingswiftly » Thu Feb 25, 2010 9:31 am

I really do understand your concerns with your son. And I'm VERY glad that your initial statement might have been less that 100% accurate.

However, I stand by my words. Get a job, take a vacation, get your husband into a better job. I'm a RN and know more/less what your son looks like health wise and I know the kind of strains those conditions can put on families as best I can without being in that situation.

But what I know is that you are both too stressed to support long-term health and happiness. I know it is terribly hard, but maybe next time your son goes to the hospital you should get him set up then take a couple days off with DH to reconnect if that is the only way you can get a babysitter. You both need to spend time on yourselves and eachother for a bit.

Maybe you work and he takes the kids one or two days per week.

What geographic area are ya'll in? What is your husband's profession?


Mamame: Yes, I did read the list. It is a lot. In fact it is far too much for one person. If you recall, I suggested she get a job, make him stay with the kids, and get both of them into the gym for health and happiness. And yes, as a night shift employee, I do strongly suggest that unless you are built for night shift, you get a daylight job. From the OP it sounded like DH needed a bit of a push. I'm also not saying either of them should stop taking care of the kids or working. I'd suggest they both do both that way they are equally burdened instead of being completely burned out from role strain. If you do the same thing too much like working or caring for others you burn out. 100% chance here. All I was suggesting was a bit of a change of scenery and a little self TLC. If you don't take care of yourself sometimes, no one else will. Am I really that clueless?
thinkingswiftly
Queen bed
 
Posts: 222
Joined: Fri Jun 19, 2009 1:19 am

Re: Husbands porn addiction destroying our marriage

Postby epithumetes » Thu Feb 25, 2010 12:12 pm

A lot of true and important things have been said in this topic, but I have still one question: did you ever consider the possibility of your husband being autistic too? I mean, autism is genetic and he seems to have a lot of trouble with intimacy and socialy complicated situations. Burying himself in his work and letting you handle the problems at home can very well be a symptom of that. And if he indeed is autistic, only acknowledging this will make it possible to have a significant change for the better. I speak from experience.
epithumetes
Twin size
 
Posts: 24
Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2009 3:54 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 10th, 2007
Gender: Male

Re: Husbands porn addiction destroying our marriage

Postby MayDayGirl » Thu Feb 25, 2010 1:57 pm

Epi makes a very good point.
MayDayGirl

"God has spoken, the rest is commentary" - Rob Bell
User avatar
MayDayGirl
King bed
 
Posts: 640
Joined: Thu Aug 24, 2006 4:54 pm
Location: The Burbs

Re: Husbands porn addiction destroying our marriage

Postby Gemma » Thu Feb 25, 2010 3:50 pm

Yes, to what epithumetes said.
Gemma~ refuser for 25yrs, awakened since Dec 2006!
passionwithinmarriage.blogspot.com

There'll be no locks or bolts between us, Mary Kate... except those in your own mercenary little heart! (Thornton in The Quiet Man)
User avatar
Gemma
Under the stars
 
Posts: 4029
Joined: Fri Dec 29, 2006 4:21 pm
Location: West Michigan
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 14th, 1981
Gender: Female

Next

Return to Pornography

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron