How to help my wife have an Orgasm for the first time?

Can't orgasm, pain during intercourse, etc.

How to help my wife have an Orgasm for the first time?

Postby Rubyist » Sun Jan 31, 2010 10:15 pm

My wife and I have been married 6 months now. Both of us were virgins before we were married. My wife has never had an orgasm--at least, she's not sure she's ever had one, and from what we've heard/read, it should be incredibly obvious...so we're assuming she hasn't had one. I know it's an acquired "skill" that takes longer for some women than others. Usually my wife doesn't let me touch her genital area during our love making sessions, but on every occasion she's allowed me to, she enjoys it until it reaches a point where it's too intense, at which point she makes me stop.

My wife still says she enjoys sex, but I really want to help her have an orgasm! I've made several suggestions:
  • I've read here on TMB, and in some of the books we've read together, that it can be beneficial for a newlywed wife to spend some time alone exploring her own body, seeing what feels good, seeing what brings her to an orgasm, etc. I've encouraged her to do this, but she doesn't feel very comfortable doing it. She occasionally masturbated before we met, but hasn't since we've met. We've discussed the topic a few times, and neither of us has any moral qualms with it, but she does have a bit of a subconscious discomfort with it because of her upbringing.
  • I've suggested she talk with someone, to get advice. She has a couple of friends who have been married much longer and have offered to chat anytime she wants to about sex...but she feels awkward talking to anyone but me about sex.
  • I've suggested she come on here and get advice. She's been receptive to the idea but has never followed through and actually signed up for an account or posted anything...but we have read/skimmed the boards together from time to time.
  • I've heard that vibrators can be helpful, so we bought a we-vibe. We've used it 3-4 times in the 3 months or so we've had it, and it's pretty much been like when I touch her--it reaches a point where it feels too intense and she turns it off.

Sex is getting to the point where it almost feels selfish since I always have an orgasm and she never does. I really want to be able to serve her in bed, but I'm not sure what to try next.

Any suggestions for what to try now? We're planning a weekend away for 4 weekends from now (as a join 6 month anniversary / valentine's day thing). It'd be great if we can make some progress on this before than, or while we're away.

Thanks!
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Re: How to help my wife have an Orgasm for the first time?

Postby tician » Mon Feb 01, 2010 2:27 am

Hi Rubyist!

My wife and I have been married for 2 years now, and although she can have an orgasm by herself, she still hasn't had one with stimulation from me, so I know something of what you're going through! I think it's a great sign that your wife enjoys it when you touch her, it means that you've got somewhere to go from!

Do you think your wife understands that this is an important part of your sexual relationship? On the one hand, you don't want to put pressure on her and make sex all about her orgasm, because that will certainly kill the fun of it, but on the other hand you don't want to ignore it either.

You say that usually your wife doesn't let you touch her during LM. I think that's a good place to start improving, rather than aiming for orgasms straight away. There's obviously something about it that makes her uncomfortable, and I think until this is dealt with in her mind it will be very hard for her to let go enough to have an orgasm.

Maybe tell her how much you love touching her, and how important a part of LM it is for you. Communicate to her that you want it to be something you do every (or nearly every) time you ML, and talk with her why she doesn't like it.

Talking with friends is a great idea, it could really help her. Would it make it easier if you as a couple spoke to another couple you both know well? That way you could bring it up in a gentle way, and it doesn't put her under so much pressure to bring it up. Or perhaps you could contact one of your friends and organise a time that just her and her friend can talk, so that they know sex is on the agenda without your wife having to bring it up? Of course, you'll have to take this advice with a grain of salt - you know better than I do if this will help your wife or just make it more awkward.

But I want to encourage you to be gentle and patient with your wife, but determined too. This is an important part of your marriage - you shouldn't let it slide, but that doesn't mean everything has to get fixed all at once either! (That's a lesson I'm still learning.)

Hope this helps. Praying for you guys.
Tician, hippily married to Bician!
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Re: How to help my wife have an Orgasm for the first time?

Postby blushingwife » Mon Feb 01, 2010 2:55 am

I never had an O with DH until we had been married for 10 years.
I too experienced that "too intense" feeling, and lose all the buildup
What she needs to do is REALLY working on relaxing, breathing slowly and deeply and try to take her mind to a relaxing place. Doing deep relaxation technique outside the bedroom could help her reach that calm state. I learned it by doing birth relaxation CDs! lol

Hope this helps!
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Re: How to help my wife have an Orgasm for the first time?

Postby mom2three » Mon Feb 01, 2010 8:44 am

As a wife who's never orgasmed [but working on it /sigh/], talk to her about it openly. I know that I can fully enjoy sex without attempting to bring me to an O and there's nights when I know it's not going to happen. If we were to try on those nights, I would end up even more upset and frustrated than I do on the nights I want to try. Does that make sense? She, of course, need to be honest with you about it, but when DH pushes me to try on nights when I'm just flat not interested for whatever reason [amount of time we have, how late it is, how tired I am, feeling it's not going to happen anyway, etc], it's kind of annoying [and he knows that]. Eventually, I hope to be able to O at will like others around here but for now DH has learned not to push me on those nights and we can still ML and make up for it on others.

Does she have a good relationship with her doc? I finally talked to mine about a month ago and she gave me an Rx [see the 'is there a crying icon' thread below this one for more] that may or may not help. Regardless, her doc might have some good advice for her [from my OB nurse before this: glass of wine and a vibrator - it has now been expanded to include the Rx].

Good luck.

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Re: How to help my wife have an Orgasm for the first time?

Postby simplethere » Tue Feb 21, 2012 4:38 am

@Rubyist

I am going through the same exact thing. We even tried the we-vibe though I have been married a few years longer. We tried everything that you were going to try but still nothing. Do you have a update? I am just looking for a success story or maybe just a support group. I am seeing if you check this thread still and I will post my story.
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Re: How to help my wife have an Orgasm for the first time?

Postby thisbejoe7 » Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:07 am

I think BW makes a point about relaxation. If she is "working" to get there, its probably going to hinder the process rather than help. Maybe you could try some erotic massage techniques. Get her relaxed with a nice full body massage, light some candles, use lotion, tell her to just lay back and relax. For some, a glass of wine beforehand might with relaxation.

During the massage, make sure you give attention to her breasts/nipples and by the end of the massage spend some time just exploring her labia and clitoris. Try using your hands to provide various forms of stimulation and see what she responds to. Ask her to give a moan or verbal feedback when something starts to feel good.

Its important to learn how she responds and what she likes, so try different amounts of pressure on her vulva, different speeds of motion, that sort of thing. Mix things up, don't just stick with one particular "method", when she starts to get close to that "too intense" point, back off, slow down, try something else for a minute or so, and then go back to what she responds best to. See if you can work her up to an O.

We found with my wife that she likes to O with me inside, so many times when I give her MS we'll get me inside and I'll sit up while she lays down. I can then go to town on her with my hands, massage, touching and lots of clitoral stimulation. I don't thrust unless I think she will like it, she usually moves around if she wants to and has more control of the position that way.

***Edited to add***

Coconut oil is a great bedroom addition and can also be used in the massage idea. Also, using fingers for g-spot stimulation while also rubbing the labia and clitoris can be very pleasurable.

Hope some of that helps.
Last edited by thisbejoe7 on Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: How to help my wife have an Orgasm for the first time?

Postby Arogen » Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:28 am

Exact same thing here with it getting too intense for her, we are making some progress however. Some things that helped us:

- use lube, be generous with it
- gently massage the whole area for a while first, especially between the inner and outer labia, top to bottom, don't go right for the button
- instead of rubbing or stroking the [clitoris], put your finger on it and just give gentle presses a second or so apart like a heartbeat, perhaps start close to the [clitoris] doing that then do it a little closer, and a little closer...
- have her learn to tell when it is close to getting too intense, and when she says that, slow down the rhythm and use the lightest feather touch you can or go back to massaging the rest of the area for bit before coming back to that

And yes, she does need to focus on relaxing more. On the other side of that 'wall' is a point where she will be calling out 'Oh please more, don't stop!'
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Re: How to help my wife have an Orgasm for the first time?

Postby OldMarriedLady » Tue Feb 21, 2012 8:45 am

simplethere wrote:@Rubyist .... I am seeing if you check this thread still and I will post my story.

Welcome to the TMB forums, simplethere! I just wanted to point out that this thread was started 2 years ago, and the original poster most likely won't be back. If you click on a member's username, it will show statistics on when they last visited, and Rubyist hasn't been to the site since February of 2011. You might want to go ahead and post your story anyway, in case any of the current visitors to the site will have advice for you.
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)
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Re: How to help my wife have an Orgasm for the first time?

Postby librarian » Tue Feb 21, 2012 8:49 am

When we were first married, I would ask my wife, after sex, if she enjoyed it, and if she had orgasmed. She would say that it was enjoyable, but she didn't know if she had O'ed or not. One Saturday, a couple of months in to our marriage, I decided that that morning's session would be just about her, so we engaged in foreplay and me just manually stimulating her clitoris. After about 20 minutes, her body rocked with her first orgasm, she now knew what an orgasm was, and how to get there, and there was no turning back.

The posts above are good and give good instructions. There is a website that has "safe" videos on how to stimulate your wife to orgasm (they use a plastic model), so you might want to go there and watch the instruction videos. The site is Give Her An Orgasm.
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Re: How to help my wife have an Orgasm for the first time?

Postby librarian » Tue Feb 21, 2012 8:49 am

OldMarriedLady wrote:
simplethere wrote:@Rubyist .... I am seeing if you check this thread still and I will post my story.

Welcome to the TMB forums, simplethere! I just wanted to point out that this thread was started 2 years ago, and the original poster most likely won't be back. If you click on a member's username, it will show statistics on when they last visited, and Rubyist hasn't been to the site since February of 2011. You might want to go ahead and post your story anyway, in case any of the current visitors to the site will have advice for you.

Phooey!! Didn't notice that!! I was wondering how I missed this thread.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. - Emo Phillips
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Re: How to help my wife have an Orgasm for the first time?

Postby thisbejoe7 » Tue Feb 21, 2012 8:54 am

librarian wrote:Phooey!! Didn't notice that!! I was wondering how I missed this thread.


Same here, a little detail I often miss :D
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