some wedding night advice

What's supposed to happen on the wedding night? Will it hurt? What if I'm not a virgin? ...

some wedding night advice

Postby cabbageface » Wed Jul 18, 2007 7:20 am

My husband and I were married almost 2 months ago, and WOW, sex is GREAT!!! We're really enjoying this gift that God has given to us! I'm going to give you engaged couples some advice for the first night. I really hope you take advantage of it!

DH and I were both virgins when we were married. This advice mostly pertains to couples who are virgins, or if the bride is a virgin. Because her hymen has not been stretched, most likely, she will be very tight. This means that sex will be at least moderately painful. My hymen was so tight that using tampons caused me pain. DH and I had read a book called "Intended for Pleasure" by Ed Wheat (Highly recommended. Read seperately, but discuss important topics). It's a great book about God's design for sex in marriage. It gives a lot of great information for the clueless (like I was), and is written by a great Christian man. In this book, it explains ways the bride can stretch her hymen before the wedding night so there will be less pain. The book also explains how the husband can stretch her hymen on the wedding night so intercourse is less painful. DH asked me if I was uncomfortable stretching myself beforehand, and said he would be happy to help me that night.

On our wedding night, after we had spent time relaxing and enjoying eachother, he asked if he could try to stretch me out. To do this, you take a generous amount of artificial lubrication on one of his fingers, and he SLOWLY and GENTLY slides it in the bride's vagina. This is done at her pace. If one is able to go all the way to the base of the finger, he tries two fingers at once, and then three (put together in a wedge shape). If he is able to fit 3 fingers in to the base, that will be enough room for intercourse. GO SLOW! It will take about half an hour!! But intercourse is still to be done GENTLY and when the husband (or wife can do it) inserts himself, it is to be done SLOWLY and with a lot of artificial lubrication. Granted, some brides just ask that the husband shoves it in quickly to stretch her out, but this comes with quite a bit of pain. For me, it would have been nearly impossible. If the husband is gentle and considerate, it leaves a great first impression of his desire to care for her. If he just shoves himself into her, it shows selfishness and insensitivity.

For DH and I, we didn't even try to have real intercourse the first night. It was very painful for just one finger to go completely in. That night, if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. You have the rest of your lives to do it! Men, take it slow and show her your love! You can give eachother hand jobs, or just enjoy sleeping in the same bed. It took DH and I four days to have real "intercourse." We enjoyed using our hands to give eachother pleasure until then, and when he was able to go inside me, it only caused slight discomfort for two days. After that, it has been VERY pleasurable for both of us. For some married couples who just shove it in the first night, the woman experiences discomfort for many weeks and doesn't enjoy it for months!

DH now goes crazy any time he hears of couples having intercourse the first night because the story always ends in the bride having a lot of pain. We both wish every newlywed would take it slow, enjoy eachother and be patient. It will come, and when it does, it's much more pleasurable for both of you!

Men, be gentle and caring. Especially the first night. You have the rest of your lives to enjoy God's gift!
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Postby Pearlofgreatworth » Wed Jul 18, 2007 10:54 am

Thanks for telling me to take a look at this. It sounds like great advice... and I'm glad you were able to experience everything without too much pain (being in my same shoes with the tampon thing). I feel much more encouraged.
Thanks again!
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Postby George B. » Wed Jul 18, 2007 11:09 am

this is very good advice. I really wish more newly married or about to be married men would take it to heart! The first few nights can often set the stage for years to come--either positively or negatively!
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis
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Postby heavenly » Wed Jul 18, 2007 1:38 pm

Thank you so much for poasting that, if only you'd posted it three weeks ago!! It took us three atempts before I could finally let my new husband enter me, and I still cried all through sex. I didn't know how to go about stretching, and we didn't pack any lube on our hunnymoon.
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Postby Hisalone » Wed Jul 18, 2007 7:14 pm

OP: I am so happy for you that you have such sweet reflections on "your first time". ::luv2
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Postby lovegodloveg » Wed Jul 18, 2007 8:15 pm

DH now goes crazy any time he hears of couples having intercourse the first night because the story always ends in the bride having a lot of pain. We both wish every newlywed would take it slow, enjoy eachother and be patient. It will come, and when it does, it's much more pleasurable for both of you!


Actually, I had ZERO pain from intercourse on my wedding day (or any day thereafter), and we had full intercourse. No problems with insertion either.
The first time is different for everyone.
:D
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Postby Liz26 » Wed Jul 18, 2007 10:19 pm

I think though that if a survey were done, the ones experiencing no pain would be out numbered by the numerous Christians who had more 'complications'. Most Christians can be overaly eager to consummate as soon as possible and as a result they don't take their time with a more gradual build-up, which is why I think the number of people who experience pain is much more frequent and prevalent than the the ones who had a completely care-free experience.
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Postby BlessedGrace » Fri Jul 20, 2007 10:17 am

Liz26 wrote:I think though that if a survey were done, the ones experiencing no pain would be out numbered by the numerous Christians who had more 'complications'. Most Christians can be overaly eager to consummate as soon as possible and as a result they don't take their time with a more gradual build-up, which is why I think the number of people who experience pain is much more frequent and prevalent than the the ones who had a completely care-free experience.

I can agree with this. I thought intercourse was a little "stingy" and "stretchy" the first time, but now that I've had more experience, I know that we just didn't wait for me to get lubed up properly because we were so eager. Even now, after 6 years, sex is painful or impossible if we try it with as little lubrication as I had going our first time. I don't refer to our first experience "painful". I like to think of it as "underlubed".
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Great advice....it sounds it anyway!

Postby amew1982 » Sun May 24, 2009 6:52 pm

Hi everyone - especially cabbageface -

I'm a newly engaged woman (though in my head I still feel like a wee girl sometimes!), and my FH and I are both committed follwers of Christ.

Our wedding isn't for another 2 years, but I've already been semi plagued by nerves and unsurety as well as sheer excitement about our first night (and of course - our whole lives) together. Finding this forum, and inparticular, finding this thread has alleviated a certain fear of the unknown. I know we'll have to wait and find out how things really go for us, should Jesus remain away, but I am SO thankful to have read this -
::tnx
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Postby luvmygirls » Mon May 25, 2009 6:25 am

If he just shoves himself into her, it shows selfishness and insensitivity.


I think overall the advice is good, but we need to be careful about making comments like this, as it is a broad generalization and not necessarily true. It could be out of ignorance on the part of either or both.

Good advice, though.
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Postby May222010 » Mon Jun 01, 2009 3:52 pm

Thanks for the advice. I think I'll definitely check into it. I have intense fears about what the wedding night will be like. Part of me is really excited. The whole of me is scared half to death. For me, wearing a tampon isn't just painful; I can't get them in. Well, now I can. But the whole idea of it still kinda freaks me out due to previous attempts at using them. I actually just had a hymenectomy two weeks ago, because when I went to visit the gyno for the first time ever last summer, she couldn't even get the smallest speculum in! It was very painful, so it's made me a little scared of sex. Even today at my post-surgery check up, it hurt a ton when she just used a finger to check out what all was going on down there. Hopefully, the book will help me out as much as it helped you!
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Re: some wedding night advice

Postby Blesseddame » Wed Mar 02, 2011 7:24 pm

thanks so much for posting! I grew up in a very sheltered home - five weeks til my wedding and no one has enlightened me on anything to expect. i took matters into my own hands and i'm so thankful i ended up here!
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Re: some wedding night advice

Postby mum22 » Thu Mar 03, 2011 6:23 am

Welcome blessed dame,

I know this is an old thread but still I just wanted to say that it's a little one sided suggesting everyone has pain and I really question a lot of the sweeping statements like lots of Christians have "complications" and are tight.

I feel that the stories about pain and not being able to have intercourse for days or weeks get about more and get posted more often and the good stories are every bit as common but are hardly ever told. It's like the stories that go around about first menstrual periods, braces, dentists, childbirth. Yes there are horror stories and the people who live those have a legitimate need for sympathy but it doesn't mean pleasant experiences are necessarily less common or not themselves legitimate.

So I want to say that my first time was not painful even though I had not heard of preparations like stretching so had not done any. I had no pain at all as he entered and then as we proceeded it became very pleasurable and I came very close to climax. I was fine afterwards, no after effects or Problems at all

I second the lube comment in so far as being very lubed is what makes it painless. I disagree with adding loads of lube from a tube as step one- as I strongly believe that it's better to continue foreplay until you have achieved maximum natural lubrication and maximum arousal and are feeling relaxed. My experience is that without that you are going to have some discomfort. But with those things in order you have your body's signal to proceed ( by all means add more lube at that point if it makes you feel better) and it isn't painful
WWJD?
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Re: some wedding night advice

Postby God's Geek » Thu Mar 03, 2011 7:52 am

Blesseddame wrote:thanks so much for posting! I grew up in a very sheltered home - five weeks til my wedding and no one has enlightened me on anything to expect. i took matters into my own hands and i'm so thankful i ended up here!


Blessed...

Congrats on your engagement and upcoming wedding. I would recommend looking over as much of the engaged section as you possibly can. There is ALOT of wisdom and discussion there.

Specifically I would suggest this thread "http://boards.themarriagebed.com/viewtopic.php?f=28&t=42768" That thread alone will not tell of her complete change of heart, but it will give some insight. She has also posted in the married section of how wonderful her wedding night was.

I WOULD suggest getting a GYN appointment for a full pre-wedding examination and asking your doctor lots and lots of questions. It may feel embarrassing, but it can take away most of the stress of the wedding night. Your FH should also get a physical under the understanding that it is for the wedding night.

Are you getting pre-marrital counseling from your pastor? Will sex be discussed? (hint: it should be more than a 10 min discussion).

You have made some great first steps in deciding to get the information, now act on that!!

God Bless
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Re: some wedding night advice

Postby Blesseddame » Wed Mar 09, 2011 11:20 am

Thanks GG and mum! it's great advice.

doctor's appointments have been squared away, tho my own doc didn't give my any chance to ask questions (heck, she didn't even spell my name right on the BC prescription) and i'm really not sure who i can report her to, because she really wasn't professional with me at all.

My fiance isincredibly understanding, compassionate, and loving - simply put he's altogether amazing. He's also levelheaded, so we both know that our intimate life together won't be precedented by the wedding night. I figure if he's stood by me through so much else, so i can't imagine this would traumatize us at all.

Nonetheless, i still really appreciate the input. God bless!
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Re: some wedding night advice

Postby Rockclimber » Thu Mar 10, 2011 12:05 am

Guy's have the same questions/doubts, they're not as strong as you think...

I posted the same much belated after thoughts on this forum here http://www.boards.themarriagebed.com/viewtopic.php?f=28&t=49044
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Re: some wedding night advice

Postby HisBride22 » Tue Mar 15, 2011 5:30 am

Thank you so much for your advice. This helped with a lot of things my FH and I have been discussing lately!
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Re: some wedding night advice

Postby dolphinmad87 » Tue Dec 06, 2011 11:24 pm

Cabbageface, thank you for sharing your story with us :D ... it is two years since I read your post (just before my wedding), and I just found it again when checking our favourite internet sites. Your post made such an impact on me I thought I should thank you! Our story ended up being very similar to yours.

When we were engaged, our Pastor gave us an audio recording of Ed Wheat's "Before the Wedding night", which we listened to separately. This led us to research how to stretch the hymen, which led us to your post! It truely put my mind at rest before our wedding, because I had never been able to use tampons due to being so tight. Reading your post helped me realise that it was ok to take things slowly, in fact it is a wonderful opportunity to show your love and compassion for your spouse.

It also took us four days of stretching before we could go all the way. The first time DH stretched me, he could only get 2cm of his pinkie finger in! There was even a circular ring mark left around his finger because I was so tight. I think we ended up using his pointer and middle finger together (all the way) before we could finally insert. The stretching was painful but we just did a little bit more, several times a day, with lots of lube.

In the end, I wouldn't change anything about our honeymoon. While it is nice to not have pain or difficulty associated with your first time, it doesn't matter if you can't consumate straight away due to tightness. My husband was so patient, loving, putting my needs above his own desires, and the whole experience bonded us closer together. Our honeymoon could focus on companionship and nurturing of each other, not just the physical side of marriage.
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Re: some wedding night advice

Postby bravocharlie » Mon Jan 21, 2013 12:50 am

What are people going to wear on their wedding night? My dilemna is that my mum owns a lingerie shop so my FH has seen alot of lingerie and doesn't get real phased over it.
Anyone have any ideas?
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Re: some wedding night advice

Postby Leah » Mon Jan 21, 2013 5:11 am

bravocharlie wrote:What are people going to wear on their wedding night? My dilemna is that my mum owns a lingerie shop so my FH has seen alot of lingerie and doesn't get real phased over it.
Anyone have any ideas?


Your guy might be one who doesn't get excited about lingerie. Choose something simple and pretty. Don't buy a lot. Take him shopping on the honeymoon and see if you can find something to his taste.
Leah

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