Sex feels like a chore

How do pregnancy and the first year after birth impact a couples sexuality?
RobRice25
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Sex feels like a chore

Postby RobRice25 » Sat May 30, 2015 5:46 am

Hi,
I'm 7 months post partum and sex feels more like just another thing on my to do list than the wonderful intimate time it should be. My husband and I work full time and by the time we get home and get settled I'm ready for bed. He says he's tired too, but never too tired to make love. He tries really hard to "prime" me through out the day with sweet text or in the mornings before work he'll kiss deeply and passionately among other things. But sometimes I feel like he's just pawing at me. I not as comfortable with my body as I was pre-pregnancy and I almost tense up when he touches me in certain ways. When we finally do make love I enjoy it, but it's just getting over the hurdles to get there.

Any thoughts on how to make this situation better for the both of us?

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IM_a_Farmwife
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Re: Sex feels like a chore

Postby IM_a_Farmwife » Sat May 30, 2015 6:49 am

Welcome to the forums RobRice25!

I would like to address 3 things here:

1. Exhaustion

I am way past that time of young ones in the house, however, I remember the "breastfeeding and diaper days" well. I am usually a sex positive spouse. It's yes every night as long as one of us does not say no. But when I had little ones in the house I was exhausted...completely pawed on all day and wiped out at night. I could fall asleep upright tired.

2. A new role as Mom

I had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that my breasts had to be shared (my baby and my DH). One thing I had always kept in my mind was that my DH comes before our children. It's a priority. God is first on my list, then comes my husband, then the children and everyone else after that. Some wives struggle with having their priorities in order according to God's word. You, being a mom is so important. You are generally the one that has that amazing bond with your child. God made us that way. Please keep in mind that a happy marriage creates a happy family. Your child can feel it. Your husband comes before your child. Your children will grow up and leave some day. It's important that you keep your DH top priority on this earth. I hear that's what you are doing now. Good for you!

3. What? Sex? It is a season.

The farthest thing from your mind is having sex with your DH. I understand. Sometimes we don't "feel it" or are not into sex until after the process begins. This is normal for women. Your DH woos you during the day. He is a smart man. You are wise to respond to his advances. He needs you so much after a long hard day at work, and you need your DH as well. God designed husbands to connect to their wives during the act of sex. It's so much more than a physical release to them. God designed wives to connect emotionally to their husbands. Your husband will have a stronger connection to you when he has the opportunity to connect with you sexually. You will have a stronger connection to DH because he will open up to you emotionally. Win-win. My husband is more forgiving and patient with me when he is filled sexually. The feelings you are having (of not having feelings for sex) is normal for the stage in your life. Continue to go with what God designed for marriage and you can't lose. God smiles because you follow through and it's the way He designed marriages. Your DH wins by staying connected with you. Your child wins because your child gets to see first hand a good Godly marriage. Just know that this season does not last forever.

PS The hardest time in our marriage was when we had little ones in the house. I kept my priorities straight and it all worked out.

RobRice25
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Re: Sex feels like a chore

Postby RobRice25 » Sat May 30, 2015 11:58 am

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom IM_a_farmwife. I am literally in tears just hearing someone else validate my feelings. I'm glad to know that it does get better. What you said about our husbands connecting to us through sex really hit home for me. I will make more of an effort to give him the attention he deserves on order to give our marriage a chance.

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Re: Sex feels like a chore

Postby Leah » Sat May 30, 2015 12:59 pm

In my experience, it took about a year before I had my body back. I had a rough go at the end, and it took a while before I really felt like myself. My sex drive never really went away, but I had a good deal of soreness.

What I want to say to you is this: It may feel like a chore right now. Give yourself some grace and try to move forward from where you are, because you don't want to create a disconnect between you and your husband.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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Hiswifeagain
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Re: Sex feels like a chore

Postby Hiswifeagain » Sat May 30, 2015 1:31 pm

Great post, Farmwife. Very sound advice! :)
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

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IM_a_Farmwife
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Re: Sex feels like a chore

Postby IM_a_Farmwife » Sat May 30, 2015 2:10 pm

I would like to mention one more thing that has really helped our marriage. My DH told me early on that he thought that my body was perfect to him...perfect. He loves all my curves. I thought he was patronizing me but it was the truth according to my DH. He would not let my iffy body image go on any longer. He sat me down and told me how beautiful I am to him. I had to listen to DH, it was his truth according to him. This was almost 27 years ago. Get this...I was a size 18 or 20 at the time. I eventually wore a size 2X - 3X later on. He still loved me through it all. I'm now a 16 but we know these are just numbers anyways.

I mention this because maybe you also believe the lies from satan when you look in the mirror. You are the most gorgeous creature on this earth, according to your DH. He married you. DH's love for you does not diminish because of body changes. Quite frankly, husbands kind of like a bit of curves, at least my DH does. Please try to see how your DH really truly sees you. You are eye candy to him! Celebrate in that fact!

I'm encouraging you to go get your sexy on! You may not feel sexy now, but your marriage will reap the benefits because you did not listen to satan. Be that million dollar babe to your man and be available sexually. Oh, by the way, my DH has called me that million dollar babe...because I turn him on and I'm available to him at any time.

Here's something else that is encouraging. The more you ML to your DH, the more you will want to ML to your DH. I don't know what happens to the brain but something happens when you are having sex with your husband. Perhaps it's the pleasure received, I just don't know. But the more you have it, the more you want it. Suggest to your DH that he makes it "all about you, the wife" tonight. I'm not a betting woman but if I was, my bets are on you guys having a great time. Perhaps things will feel less like a chore. :D

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Re: Sex feels like a chore

Postby HisLadybug » Sat May 30, 2015 2:15 pm

I totally understand. I didn't really get my "groove" back until 18 mo PP. If you're breastfeeding then that can curtail your sex drive. It did a number on my drive, but it's a season. You won't be nursing forever if indeed that's a factor for you. I understand about feeling like you're in someone else's body. My stomach felt like a deflated balloon and my vagina was looser. It was not the greatest for awhile, but it helped us stay connected as a married couple until sex was good for me again. Sometimes wearing lingerie helped me feel sexy and get in the mood. Try some of the old "sexy" tricks you employed pre-baby to see if that helps. Maybe your husband and you could write an erotic story, or use something in your sex play that you haven't used in awhile.

I'm happy to say our sex life rebounded and we were swinging from the chandeliers again....and then I got pregnant again. Haha, it's the ciiiiiiiircle of liiiiiiiiife.......... :lol: :mrgreen:

My husband always appreciated having a hand job when IC just wasn't in the cards....there are ways to make that sexy and intimate. But this will all pass. I promise.
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Re: Sex feels like a chore

Postby HisLadybug » Sat May 30, 2015 2:19 pm

Also I don't always agree that husband comes before child. Sometimes the baby is fussy, or just needs you and sex gets pushed back a night or two. As long as it doesn't happen ALL the time, I think it's normal. Motherhood is such a balancing act. You have to figure out how to fulfill everyone's needs, including your own. And my boobs were honestly off limits for the first year. It wasn't just my choice it was my DH's preference as well. They felt too "functional" and not sexy to either one of us. Plus DH was not really into getting squirted with milk. One time I did manage to have an O and he got a major breastmilk bath. :shock: So you guys have to figure out what works for YOU, and if one of you is not happy with the way things are going then you have to communicate.
Sweet like candy to my soul
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Re: Sex feels like a chore

Postby Hiswifeagain » Sat May 30, 2015 2:42 pm

HLB, I don't think prioritizing your husband first means neglecting your child at all! I see it as planning for your husband's needs in conjunction with the children's needs. I think as moms, we tend to put our husband's needs somewhere below the kid's. When our husband's come first we ensure that all of the family's needs are met, because none of us would neglect our kid's needs. But we might make their desires take a backseat to our dh's needs. Also our own needs should come before our kid's desires or preferences.
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3


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