Might be Pregnant

How do pregnancy and the first year after birth impact a couples sexuality?
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Leah
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Re: Disgusted by Sex

Postby Leah » Mon Jun 15, 2015 6:50 pm

Barely into the second trimester. It's totally normal. I notice you are working true to form and walking back the husband issues. Not being mean, but noticing that nothing has really changed in your marriage. We are not going to be able to help you unless your are honest about your feelings and willing to do what it takes to get to a healthy place.

Not seeing a doctor, I guess. Are you seeing a midwife? Talk to her.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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HisLadybug
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Re: Disgusted by Sex

Postby HisLadybug » Mon Jun 15, 2015 6:58 pm

I will be praying for you. I have prayed for you already today. The thing is, you are going to need some support. It is not ungodly or unrighteous to seek support from someone who isn't a Christian. Or it may be that there is a Christian therapist in your town, but who does not advertise that fact. You have already received unhelpful advice from someone who is supposedly a Christian (that pastor). Why not try someone else?

The thing is, you will have to get to your breaking point before you decide what your options really are, or before you decide that options you previously closed off are now real options for you. Raising a child is serious business in a marriage where both people are fairly happy with each other. It's going to be even more stressful in a marriage where there are issues such as you have described.

To be extremely honest, I see lots of trouble down the line for you. I hope you can take this in the spirit in which it is meant - love and concern. I have been married nine years and my husband and I have had our share of problems. I have sought personal counseling for myself on two occasions. I am not recommending that you do anything that I haven't done myself. I'm not giving empty advice. You will be constantly in my prayers.
Sweet like candy to my soul
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lost for you
I'm so lost for you
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little_sparrow
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Re: Disgusted by Sex

Postby little_sparrow » Mon Jun 15, 2015 7:07 pm

Leah wrote:Barely into the second trimester. It's totally normal.

I know, but I'm in it nonetheless. Just clarifying.. :D
I also realize that it's totally normal, and to be honest, I'm really not sure why you think I don't. :D

Leah wrote:I notice you are working true to form and walking back the husband issues.

Alrighty.. Well, seeing as how those issues are tied in with everything, I saw it fit to include them. :D

Leah wrote:Not being mean, but noticing that nothing has really changed in your marriage. We are not going to be able to help you unless your are honest about your feelings and willing to do what it takes to get to a healthy place.

I have been nothing but honest in this post, but I'm sorry that you believe otherwise. :D

______
HisLadybug wrote:It is not ungodly or unrighteous to seek support from someone who isn't a Christian. Or it may be that there is a Christian therapist in your town, but who does not advertise that fact. You have already received unhelpful advice from someone who is supposedly a Christian (that pastor). Why not try someone else?

Honestly, my reason for being closed to that idea had nothing to do with it being "ungodly" or "unrightous." :D

HisLadybug wrote:The thing is, you will have to get to your breaking point before you decide what your options really are, or before you decide that options you previously closed off are now real options for you.

I realize that you probably will not believe me, but I am already at that point.

HisLadybug wrote:To be extremely honest, I see lots of trouble down the line for you.

I am very aware of that. (I don't mean that statement to come across as negative or unkind at all...I am agreeing with you, and I realize that sometimes it's hard to know how someone intends something to come across online since you can't hear the tone in which it was stated.) :D

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Leah
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Re: Disgusted by Sex

Postby Leah » Mon Jun 15, 2015 7:22 pm

We probably are not going to be able to help you. I will just follow the thread and pray as I feel led.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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girliegirl511
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Re: Disgusted by Sex

Postby girliegirl511 » Mon Jun 15, 2015 9:15 pm

My family and I don't go to a "Christian" counselor. We see a therapist/counselor that specializes in blended families. Most of the time our "issues" don't have to deal with Christian morals/ideology. So that is okay for us.

But reading through the responses of this thread, 2 things.

1.YOU need to be emotionally healthy to raise this baby. You have a child that will be born in about 6 months. That child is going to rely solely on you, no matter breastfeeding or formula, cloth or disposable diapers ect.. That child needs all the love you can give. It needs to bond with YOU! But, if you resent your husband that will fall directly to your child. I've seen it happen, mother resents the husband and situation and takes it out on the baby. It may not be physical abuse, but that child may not get the bonding that only Momma can give. So, you need to be emotionally ready. And believe me, it won't get better once you give birth; your hormones are like a roller coaster for a couple months after birth as well! So get professional help wherever you can. Look into counseling via phone, some therapists are willing to do that in unique situations. Find an older woman to talk to and mentor you.

2. It sounds like you and DH are different and hid your true selves before marriage. Now you've commited your life to this man. And I don't want to go into a discussion on divorce, but let me just say that unless he physically or verbally abuses you...you're "stuck." So going back to point #1, you need to do whatever humanly possible to work through your own issues. Work through your own issues of sex, being married to a man that you don't trust, ect... Because you need to be healthy for this baby. And it may come to just being roommates with your husband. But work it out, you can't be resentful while trying care and bond with a newborn.

At 19 years old, I helped a single mother who was battling serious health issues. She had no family around. For 6 months I had sole custody of her infant girl(6 weeks old) At 19!! I had diaper changes, feedings, car seats, Drs appointments ect... Let me tell you, it wasn't easy. I had help from my family and church, but those nights were all mine. And I bonded with her because I was emotionally healthy.

Soooo not being mean, and I'm thinking about your baby...you need to get your emotional health and marriage worked out so you can focus on your child. Because we aren't professionals, we can't help further.

little_sparrow
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Re: Disgusted by Sex

Postby little_sparrow » Mon Jun 15, 2015 10:11 pm

girliegirl511 wrote: My family and I don't go to a "Christian" counselor. We see a therapist/counselor that specializes in blended families. Most of the time our "issues" don't have to deal with Christian morals/ideology. So that is okay for us.

I respect your personal choice in the matter, but in the case of dealing with marriage issues, I personally believe that it is not only very important but necessary to see a Biblical (not even just a "Christian") counselor. :)

girliegirl511 wrote:2. It sounds like you and DH are different and hid your true selves before marriage. Now you've commited your life to this man. And I don't want to go into a discussion on divorce, but let me just say that unless he physically or verbally abuses you...you're "stuck."

I can only speak for myself, and it was not that I "hid" my true self before marriage (which, to me, implies that I acted one way with him and one way with others purposely.) I was just at a time in my life when I was, without realizing it, trying to be someone that I wasn't.

As for abuse, there actually has been a lot of emotional (verbal) abuse that has gone on. Despite that, I do realize that we're stuck, and that's part of what I greatly regret.

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YoungSouthernWife
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Re: Disgusted by Sex

Postby YoungSouthernWife » Tue Jun 16, 2015 7:44 pm

Little_sparrow- I have prayed over you, your DH, and your baby! Congratulations on that precious gift from God!

I think it's great that you're here to ask for advice in a Christian setting. Your situation has many difficult issues that make it hard to get the counsel you both need. That's understandable and you're not the only couple who has to deal with that. No marriage is perfect just like no relationship is perfect. I know you know that but I wanted to push the point that I'm not in a perfect marriage either. We've had some really tough things happen in only 4 years. I've almost given up on my DH and my marriage several times. That said, I have still always loved him. I've been frustrated, hurt, disappointed, angry, and sad but I have always loved him.

We haven't always connected the way we needed to connect. I don't mean just sexually either. We were doing our own things with different jobs, circles of friends, and families. We almost never spent time together outside of the bedroom at night. We both are different people now than we were before we dated, while we dated, while we were engaged, and since we've been married. Adjustments have to be made all the time. Forgiveness has to be given all the time (and I mean REAL forgiveness- not "I'm over it but I'll be in a weird mood for the rest of the day," but "I love you even though you're imperfect & we can move on now"). Love has to be shared all the time. Communication has to be honest, open, and accepted all the time. Again, I know you know all of this... I'm just wanting you to know that I have struggled and still struggle with this. You are certainly not alone!

I've regretted marrying my DH. I've regretted marrying him at such a young age. I've regretted a lot of things we both did wrong. Regrets did not do anything but keep me from having a restored marriage in the Lord. It's hard and satan likes to throw the past, "should haves," or "shouldn't haves" in my mind every now and then... But I have scriptural promises from our amazing Father to fight those thoughts! Remember the promise of the rainbow? God never promised it would never rain again. Our wedding rings are symbols of the promises we made to each other just like that rainbow. We know we will have storms in our marriages but that rainbow will always be seen again.

Do you and your DH have a daily Bible study or prayer time together? Things changed drastically for us when we started praying and reading the Bible together every night. There are several good guiding devotionals out there for couples! The Lord already knows your struggles and knows how you can heal together in order to move forward from where you are now. All you have to do is be willing to pray and follow His guidance. Our Father can lead you both anywhere from the foot of the Cross, but you need to get there together first.

Also, do you personally have a time when you pray specifically for your DH everyday? Professional counseling and advice on TMB is great but the power of prayer is incredible! I have a list of some Bible verses and specific things to pray over a DH if you'd like. We can't change hearts but our prayers can! I've seen this in my marriage and in others' marriages as well. The world throws things at our husbands all the time and they need us to be praying for them to keep their eyes on Jesus just like we need them to pray for us.

I'll be praying for you!


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