Might be Pregnant

How do pregnancy and the first year after birth impact a couples sexuality?
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Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby Leah » Mon Apr 06, 2015 5:19 pm

Having actually given birth to a healthy baby, I'm going to go out on a limb and say your husband didn't major in biology, and unless he has a medical degree that he's not telling you about, he needs to go to the appointment with you and listen to a doctor says to you. Let him argue with the doctor.
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Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby Leah » Mon Apr 06, 2015 5:30 pm

Adding, my daughter has had four children and three or four miscarriages. A good doctor will be able to find out whether you have complicating factors that would make you at higher risk, and help you have the most healthy pregnancy possible.
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Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby little_sparrow » Mon Apr 06, 2015 5:54 pm

Job29Man wrote:Well, please don't take this the wrong way Little Sparrow, but isn't your sail already set?
It seems that you have pretty well already decided that you are going to do whatever your husband says, and that you won't do anything he disagrees with, right?

No, I don't believe that I ever once said or thought that. I'm sorry if anything came across that way, but it is incorrect.

Job29Man wrote:If we say "Go to see the doc now if you think that's best, and take your Pre-Natal vitamins over Hubby's protests

He wasn't protesting against the vitamins; he just doesn't understand the value or role of them yet.

Job29Man wrote: Or if we say "Here's what I'd say to him" would you actually do any of those things?

I cannot say whether or not I would follow specific advice until I hear said advice. :) However, if I was not open to doing anything, I would not ask.

Job29Man wrote: If your face is truly set towards only doing what he says, then we could only cause trouble by giving advice to you, right? I mean this very, very sincerely Little Sparrow... If you have decided to only do what he says, then I think you should not ask us or anyone for advice. It will be better just to obey him the first time. Be true to yourself. Choose your direction and then stick with it.

Again, I never thought or said that I was only set on doing what he says. I know that could be a foolish viewpoint if he was to ask me to do something that was wrong.

Job29Man wrote:Choose one or the other path and stick with it. Do it today! Stop vacillating between two opinions!

I can truly say that I haven't been. Again, I'm sorry if it seems that way. :)

Job29Man wrote:It's not fair to you, or to your husband to seek advice that you will disregard anyway but not before it exasperates you first. :(

I can very sincerely say that I have not once disregarded any advice on this board before I read it and thought about it. I honestly would not ask if I didn't want to hear others' opinions. :)

Leah wrote:Having actually given birth to a healthy baby, I'm going to go out on a limb and say your husband is totally ignorant, and unless he has a medical degree that he's not telling you about, he needs to go to the appointment with you and listen to a real doctor says to you. Let him argue with the doctor.

I think that some of what he said has to do with his fear of and/or bad teaching about doctors. The times that I have brought up him going himself to get checked out for various things, he has gotten extememly defensive and was very against it. It's as if he had a traumatic experience with one, but he says that he hasn't. I know his step-dad doesn't like doctors, and my DH only went to them before he came into the picture. He hasn't been to one in years and now refuses to ever go.

Leah wrote:Adding, my daughter has had four children and three or four miscarriages. A good doctor will be able to find out whether you have complicating factors that would make you at higher risk, and help you have the most healthy pregnancy possible.

That's one of the things that was in the front of my mind.

In case there is any misunderstanding of the motives behind my last post, I just want to be clear that the main reasons I am asking are because 1.) I know my husband has very, very limited knowledge of pregnancy and prenatal care. 2.) With that in mind, it seems to me that I still ought to go. However, I am not completely clear as to whether or not I am placing more value on going than necessary. My DH never said that he didn't want me to go; he only said that he felt it was too early because he doesn't completely believe that I am pregnant (and, in my opinion, because he is afraid of doctors.)

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Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby Nvr2Late » Mon Apr 06, 2015 5:58 pm

Quite simply: he's wrong. Go to the doctor when you feel you should. And he should go with you.
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Might be Pregnant

Postby HisLadybug » Mon Apr 06, 2015 6:20 pm

The only person who can tell you if it is too early to go to the doctor is the doctor. My OB doesn't want to see pregnant women until 12 weeks. However it can be useful to have a dating ultrasound done. It sounds like you aren't sure when your last period was so you probably should have a dating ultrasound in a few weeks. I was glad that I had one at seven weeks because the doctor and I disagreed about my due date. Turns out I was right. I ovulate later in my cycle than was expected and it definitely had an effect on my due date.

Your husband needs to Google prenatal care. It's true that lots of babies are born healthy without it, but infant mortality rates are much higher in countries where there is little prenatal care. from everything you have said on this board, it makes me think your husband desires to control everything you do and this concerns me. It's not just about you now, there is another little life here too. he doesn't have to understand all the reasons why, he just needs to listen to you and trust you and the doctor if your doctor determines that you need to be seen. this is your body and your pregnancy. Don't let yourself be bullied into not going if you need to go. And for heaven sake, the answers to his questions can be found very easily. Get him a copy of what to expect when you're expecting. Load him up with books. don't let him sit around in his ignorance any longer. If he is going to be a father then he needs to start educating himself about basic things like prenatal care and prenatal vitamins.
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Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby little_sparrow » Mon Apr 06, 2015 6:31 pm

HisLadyBug, I actually (thankfully) do know when my last period was. I usually remember the first days very clearly due to the extreme cramps that I usually get with them. As for last time, I remember which Sunday I stayed back from church because of them. :)

Knowing my DH, I honestly believe that it's not him trying to control me, but rather just a matter of not knowing/understanding certain things. As I said, he never once said that I couldn't go, just that I should wait until I miss two or three periods so that I could be sure that I am pregnant. ::lol

Nvr2Late, I just saw your post that I missed the first time. I'd love for him to go, but due to his fear and dislike for doctors, I sincerely doubt that he will go. He cannot take off of work anyway. Hopefully if everything goes well and we get to the point where we can hear the heartbeat, Lord willing, he will agree to go with me then.

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Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby Leah » Mon Apr 06, 2015 6:42 pm

I amended my post because "totally ignorant" was kind of mean, but I still think it.

Get your husband on here. I want to have a little chat with him. He is way too young to be so arrogant and such a poor example. Paul told Timothy not to let anyone look down on him because he was young, but to be an example to the believers. Husband is not doing that. My son in-law is an excellent husband. When we first met him, we had no idea that he would turn out to be such a great husband and father. Our grandchildren are getting a wonderful example of how a man ought to treat a woman.
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Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby little_sparrow » Mon Apr 06, 2015 7:39 pm

While my DH still has faults (as we all do) he has come a long way in the last several weeks, and I have seen him grow a lot in a lot of areas.

I have another question. Should I be concerned about cramps that feel like light period cramps? They have been happening over the last several days, and they only last 5-10 seconds, disappear, and then reappear later. Sometimes it's hours later, and sometimes it's within a minute.

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Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby Leah » Mon Apr 06, 2015 9:17 pm

I think that would be a question for a doctor to answer.
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Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby Job29Man » Mon Apr 06, 2015 10:38 pm

little_sparrow wrote:He said that even if I was pregnant, there was nothing the doctors could do
He said that I shouldn't need the vitamins because I could just eat fruit instead... :shock:
He also said that they didn't have "those little vitamins" (his way of saying that they are stupid and useless) in Biblical times or in Africa, and those babies turned/turn out fine.. :x
He ended by saying that doctors were just "money-grubbing thieves" and that most of them don't even care about their patients.
...he said that there would be nothing they could do anyway, and that doctors cause more death than they do help... :shock:
... he said that there is nothing that a doctor can do before that anyway...


Your husband's lack of knowledge is staggering.
His prejudice is jaw-dropping.
His arrogance almost defies description.
His unteachable attitude just reinforces that he is a fool. You need to respect him, but I have zero respect for a man like this.

He is wrong on all accounts. His thinking is harmful. It will hurt you. This kind of thinking will hurt the baby.

little_sparrow wrote:I understand that this is all new to him and that he knows very, very little about pregnancy, but I don't know what to do about it.
Now you are a Momma Bear and you have to do what is right for your baby no matter what anyone says, even your husband.

little_sparrow wrote:He doesn't understand that while he thinks he knows a lot about how it works, he really doesn't know much about it at all. [It's the same thing with pregnancy.]
This is his normal response it seems.

little_sparrow wrote: It would be so helpful if he supported me in it and showed some confidence in me. I think that comes from him never having much confidence placed in him from his family growing up. That said, though, it's still hard when he feels that the things that are important to me aren't really that important. He believes that anything that is not brick-and-mortar-job-related in my life isn't really a real responsibility or a true priority. It's painful and sad, but there's not much I can do.
This is really heart-breaking to hear.

little_sparrow wrote:While my DH still has faults (as we all do) he has come a long way in the last several weeks, and I have seen him grow a lot in a lot of areas.
I'm really pleased to hear this. Could you share some of these growth areas with us? It would help us to understand him better. Aside from the kisses, and sex, what has he done to show real growth in significant areas? So far all I think we've read about is that he showed you some affection and said you could do a few domestic tasks for him. That does not sound like growth, but window-dressing.

I haven't read about him confessing any sin of pride or sin of abusive behavior towards you. I haven't read about him agreeing to counsel, or accountability, or treating you like a lady who is worthy of respect/honor, or anything that reflects a teachable heart. Frankly, the more you describe him the more he doesn't sound like a true believer at all. The Bible says "by their fruits you will know them." This man has no solid gentle/humble christian man traits that you've testified to. And these recent acts of disrespect show that he is still operating in a manner which seems uncaring, hard-necked, inconsiderate of your feelings, and with an unteachable heart.

little_sparrow wrote:Anyway, I still feel like I ought to go to the appointment, but I don't know for sure because of his [I believe mostly incorrect] thoughts about it. Any thoughts?
Yes. Call the Dr's Office and ask them when they want to see you, then keep the appointment no matter what your husband says. It is really important that you get on Pre-Natal vitamins from the beginning. Some very responsible authorities suggest beginning prenatal vitamins 6 months before you want to get pregnant. You need folic acid to reduce the risk of neural tube defects, and this needs to start now, this week. You need to be getting enough magnesium, and several other really important things right away. You can get the vitamins without a prescription. My Sarah is a nurse who can point you in the right direction on this stuff, just as a fellow Mom who knows (not like "giving medical advice"). Much can be done long before you ever see a doctor.

Sorry if I came off rudely in my prior post. Your husband is the kind of guy I would not be very charitable towards if I meet him personally. I am the poster child for H/S marriage and advocating wifely obedience, but I think you are waaaaaayyyyyy too shy about confronting this husband. It's getting to where his arrogance could become dangerous to you and your baby.

In our church is a young man, first time father, who had a similarly almost violent revulsion towards doctors. His attitude almost resulted in tragedy for the mother and baby, and wound up causing an emergency C-section. The husband's pride almost harmed the baby. The doctors he hated saved the baby. I don't like Big Medicine either, but this kind of vitriolic opposition to doctors is so irresponsible that it is a bit frightening actually. :o
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Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby HisLadybug » Mon Apr 06, 2015 11:28 pm

There is the saying, "You don't know what you don't know." The older I get (and DH is the same) the more we realize how much we don't know about so many things. It's amazing how much easier life is when you admit you don't know enough about something and further study is required.

If you haven't gone to Target or Walmart already and gotten pre-natals, do so. What Job says about folic acid and Mg is true. There are a zillion studies that shows this. Although I'm sure if your husband isn't convinced doctors are any good he probably won't put any stock in scientific, peer-reviewed journal articles or studies. :?

As to your question about cramps - it's most likely ok but you need to see a doctor or midwife to help put your mind at ease. They will have more questions and will tell you what to worry about and what not to.

I am absolutely in love with the midwifery model of prenatal care and suggest you research and consider it. You need all the support you can get and midwifery care is as a rule more personal. Unfortunately the US hasn't caught on yet, but if you live in or near a metropolitan area, you have more options.

Pregnancy/childbirth is a sisterhood, hon. The ladies who react so vehemently here are those of us who have been through this. We know what it's like to grow a child in our bodies and give birth, only to continue to nourish and sustain that life. It's a tremendously powerful act, and one that leaves us transformed forever. If you're getting a little "I am woman, here me roar" from this, then that's fine. That's how I feel about this whole process. Don't allow someone who knows little to none about this process to influence your thinking. It's kind of like someone who doesn't have kids doesn't get to tell me how to raise them. Be decisive because it's good practice for being a mom.

And overwhelm him with info. Books, articles, etc. I realize he has a low opinion of doctors but the best book out there for pregnancy IMHO is "The Pregnancy Book" by Dr. William Sears and his wife Martha, RN. They write so caringly, so personally, so lovingly towards pregnant moms. I've met them in person. They're lovely. Nobody can come away from that book thinking he's a money grubbing thief. I'm not a huge fan of "What to Expect" but it's a start. Webmd.com is another good source for basic questions and articles.

In closing I'd encourage you (once you get over this initial bump) to start figuring out what else he's going to be opposed to. How does he think your birth should happen? (please note he doesn't really get a vote, but it'd be good to know). If you give birth in a hospital will he be able to handle that? Will he have a hissy fit over drugs/interventions? How does he feel about well-baby appointments, breastfeeding, vaccinations, etc? It helps for you to know your own mind on these things too.

I'm with Job in that I'm interested in what areas he has shown personal growth? Has there been any repentance? He doesn't sound teachable IMHO and if he refuses to educate himself on basic prenatal care then that will only reinforce his non-teachability.
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Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby BHF » Tue Apr 07, 2015 1:14 am

Pregnant - Check
Prenatal vitamins - Check
Africa - Check ... Oops

You need to get onto at least the folic acid and the magnesium today.

I live in a small town in a metropolitan area of 1.5 million people. I go to the only midwife who does home birth in the whole area but luckily she lives in my town. The other 2 left for greener pastures. My DH feels more comfortable that I see a doctor as well as the midwife. He attends visits with both. He then cross-questions the doctor on what the midwife says. He takes notes. And then he researches it. By some weird quirk my doctor was the one that the midwife used when she had to transfer to hospital only twice in her career. My DH asked the doctor what happened. He explained. DH was satisfied.

Here's the thing, even if DH wasn't satisfied, it still is up to me. I have to make choices about our baby's health. I have the responsibility of nourishing my body, being knowledgeable, taking care of my baby. I could not live with myself if something were to happen that I could have prevented because I had a lack of knowledge. Hosea 4:6 says because of a lack of knowledge my people perish. Don't let that literally happen.

I keep of thinking of Ananias and Sapphira. She went along with the lie and was struck dead. She did not tell the truth. She was accountable for her own sins. She couldn't hide behind the shield of submission. Submission, real submission, takes guts because you have to decide for yourself. You have to know God's Word for yourself because both husband and wife are measured against it, and you have to be brave enough to stand up or brave enough to submit, because God will not be made a fool of. He knows your heart and he knows when you are copping out from anything that is not the best for your growth, your DH's growth and your new baby's growth. The baby who is growing in your womb and is wholly dependent on the choices you make.
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Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby Job29Man » Tue Apr 07, 2015 5:56 am

IMO any direction or pressure or discouragement from anyone, hubby included, to not do absolutely everything you can to aggressively keep baby healthy INCLUDING vitamins and doctor visits, is just plain SIN.

I know you said that he did not say you "can't" do these things, just that he's strongly discouraging, strongly skeptical, and his large male presence is an unfair pressure on you which could intimidate you. If he persists in this he is in sin and you should just flat out tell him "No!" to his face. You should disobey him in this, or disappoint him, or however you would describe it. It is his God-given duty to protect you both, and that includes aggressive medical pre-natal care.
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Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby Nvr2Late » Tue Apr 07, 2015 7:47 am

Little Sparrow, google implantation pain. It might help set your mind at ease about those cramps.

And for what it's worth, I agree heartily with everything that's been posted in the past 5 or 6. My heart aches for the difficult decisions and hard choices you may find yourself having to make in the future. This is just the beginning. Unless your husband has a complete overhaul of his heart (and God can do that), I fear a lifetime of you being between a rock and a hard place on a million different issues as this pregnancy progresses, as the child is born, and so on.

I hope that as your MIL and mom learn of the baby they will give you the support and wisdom you'll need going forward.
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Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby little_sparrow » Tue Apr 07, 2015 2:08 pm

I am way too tired right now to respond to each and every point, so I will just say a few things:

1. I realize that none of you know my DH personally, so you will just have to take my word that he is a believer, and he has been growing and changing a lot recently. Not everyone changes everything at once or quickly, but he is growing, and I love him very much. Because of that, it hurts to read some of the negative things that were said about him, but I will keep in mind that no one on here knows him personally. I think part of the reason he has negative outlooks/attitudes about certain things is so that he can try to protect himself from disappointment. I also truly think there is a lack of info/distrust for people that comes into play.

2. The only reason I'm going to a doctor for my first appointment is because I want to have the initial appointment as soon as possible. I would love to have a water birth at home, but home birth is illegal in my state. There aren't any birthing centers in my area, and the closest thing to one is one if the two area hospitals. I'm currently looking into that, seeing if there is the option of having a midwife there, and looking for a doula. It's tricky because there is a slight chance that we might move several hours away, but I'm not sure if we will or when it would happen.

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Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby Bear » Tue Apr 07, 2015 2:25 pm

little_sparrow wrote:Because of that, it hurts to read some of the negative things that were said about him, but I will keep in mind that no one on here knows him personally.


Little sparrow.

Just wanted to make the observation that this (TMB) is a difficult medium at times. If anything please see any/all comments as being positive (yes, even expressions of love) toward YOU.

It may get lost in the shuffle but every TMB'er really wants the very best for you BOTH.
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Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby sd595 » Tue Apr 07, 2015 3:29 pm

little_sparrow wrote:but he is growing, and I love him very much. Because of that, it hurts to read some of the negative things that were said about him


I thought the same thing earlier when reading this thread, that things turned a bit harsh, as you said, they don't know your husband. Try not to be discouraged.

I commend you for respecting your husband and I believe that biblically you are right in doing so, even in those times that are less than ideal. My advice is to appeal to him respectfully to try to get the things you want to do done. "Husband, though I know you don't think much of the prenatal vitamins, it would make me feel better if I took them, would you mind if I go ahead?"

Praying for you, your DH, and your baby!
Get out your bible and see what He says. Pray to Him right now and ask Him for His wisdom in the matter. He will not fail you if you put your faith and trust in Him.

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Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby HisLadybug » Tue Apr 07, 2015 4:30 pm

And if he does "mind" that she takes them you think she shouldn't? In my opinion, you shouldn't ask for permission unless you are going to follow the direction given. And in my opinion, a woman should not have to ask for permission to take prenatals. That is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read on this board.
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Eager to hear about the growth

Postby Job29Man » Wed Apr 08, 2015 6:39 am

little_sparrow wrote: I realize that none of you know my DH personally,... Because of that, it hurts to read some of the negative things that were said about him, but I will keep in mind that no one on here knows him personally.


You are correct. None of us knows him personally. 100% of everything we know about him comes from the testimony of the person who knows him best, his own wife. Our understanding of who he is, what he is, is completely the result of your descriptions. Our responses spring from your descriptions.

Help us out here Little Sparrow. :?

We are eager to hear about the fruit of the Spirit in his life.
We would love to learn about how he has changed and grown in ways other than showing long overdue affection.
The number one way he needs to change (according to your descriptions) is in humbling himself, confessing sin, asking forgiveness, and changing his behavior AFTER doing these humbling things. Sorry but, we are focused on the core of his issues because that's what we do here, focus on causes. All other things pale in comparison to his pride and arrogance. All other things are virtually unimportant in comparison.

Here's my assessment of the big picture...

You came to The Marriage Bed for advice. Good choice. 8)

The Marriage Bed is IMHO the best-run, best-moderated, English-language, Christian, most active, with the broadest participation, Bible-based internet web forum about Christian marriage and intimacy on the planet. If anyone knows a better one, speak now please.

Your threads have drawn the attention of the most mature, "Heavy Hitters" (my term, not TMB's) on this forum, that I have ever seen congregate onto any single thread. (The only "Heavy Hitter" who hasn't shown up yet is Robin). Most of us have been married for several decades, not just several years. The younger marrieds seem to agree as well.

TMB membership is diverse. We have feminists, patriarchs, egalitarians, H/S, conservatives, and liberals, Catholics, Protestants, Messianics, Fundamentalists, Baptists, Pentecostals, High Church and Evangelicals. I cannot remember us ever agreeing as a single block on anything. But your situation has unified us, for the first time I can remember, :shock: into a monolithic wall of agreement, and it's agreement about Little Sparrow's situation. 8)

It seems to me that what this agreement is saying is ...

1. Your problem at it's core is your husband's pride and arrogance, his unteachable heart.
2. His behavior and heart attitude are shocking to all of us, from all our diversity.
3. Our opinions are based 100% on the descriptions and testimonies of his wife, the person who knows him best.
4. So far you have not described any "fruits of the Spirit" in him that would give us hope for you.
5. So far you, his wife, have not articulated any significant "growth" by him in any of the core area of problem. We are eager to hear it.
6. We agree that his lack of affection that you complained of in your OP was NOT his problem, but merely a symptom of his problem.
7. His problem is pride and arrogance, and an unteachable heart and refusal to accept counsel. Increases in affection do not impress us. They are window-dressing.
8. We advise you to be more bold, to stand up to him. (This can be done firmly but respectfully)
9. We are deeply concerned that you have not reported doing this. Your actions seem to be too passive, too accepting.
10. We are concerned that you still seem to be isolated and manipulated.

This is my read on it. $.02
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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poetess
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Posts: 3042
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2012 8:47 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 8th, 2011
Gender: Female

Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby poetess » Wed Apr 08, 2015 7:24 am

Little sparrow, let me add my two cents, as a woman. And by the way, I don't have the decades of marriage that Job talked about, but I married late in life and I'm old enough to be your mother. (And my family, from my parents on down, has something like 200 years of marriage without any divorce, so I've also been able to gain some wisdom and knowledge by observation.)

I've had brief PM conversations with two different women on here discussing you (not gossip) and saying "I would so love to take her out to tea, hold her hands and look into her eyes." No one has any harsh feelings toward you, or any sense that you are an unimportant little sparrow. We love you, we care about you. And changing to the first person singular . . . I would love to be able to swing by and take you to a doctor's appointment and then out for something to eat, and then to get some prenatal vitamins if you hadn't gotten them yet. And next time I went shopping I would go looking at baby clothes and I'd pick up something that seemed just right for you and that little one. If you found out you were having a little girl due right before Christmas, I probably wouldn't be able to resist that tiny red velvet dress with lace trim. If it's a boy, some little outfit that looks like the sorts of things his daddy wears would be irresistable.

Being a wife and mom is the most important job in the world. Relationships can be hard, even the best of them, but they should be joyful too. So far you've mostly known the hard, and our hearts grieve for you. We want to see your marriage blossom, we want to see your little one born into a thriving family. We want to see you have the ability to line your nest for your family.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!


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