Pregnant and DH is nervous

How do pregnancy and the first year after birth impact a couples sexuality?
girliegirl511
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Pregnant and DH is nervous

Postby girliegirl511 » Wed Dec 24, 2014 1:01 am

I'm 3 months pregnant!!! Yay! :D I'm 23, first pregnancy and loving that morning sickness went away last week. I felt pretty gross for the first 2 1/2 months. My DH is 46 and is his 2nd marriage(was a widower) and he has 2 teenage sons. This pregnancy was planned, down to the week I'd possibly start ovulating after BC and we are SUPER excited!!! We have names and even hsve done some nursery shopping.

But he's recently been feeling a little nervous about, in his words "not having the patientce" for all my emotions. It has caught him a little off guard how my mood can change in an instant. :? Granted, his sons are middle teens so it's been awhile aince he's been through all of this. He's been nothing but loving and caring, and so supportive from my point of view. But is there anyone who has been through this before and can give me some pointers how to get through to him? I love him with all my heart and want him to know he's taking great care of me and our baby.

Oh and did anyone convinced their hubby that a home birth was the best thing for you and baby?

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Re: Pregnant and DH is nervous

Postby happilymarriedkate » Thu Dec 25, 2014 1:38 pm

I have given your post some thought and decided to reply. I am not in your current situation. But, I was pregnant when I was 23 (20 years ago) and I am married to a man who is in his mid 40's. We have children who are 19, 15 and 12. So, I have experienced all of the components of your situation (except marrying a widower) just not all at the same time as you are. I can see where my DH at his current age and experiences- having raised children to the teen years, would have the same concerns. I have read all of your previous posts and it is fairly evident that your DH is an incredibly good and wise man. He obviously considered the age difference along with agreement of having children at his age. I think that in his efforts to be open and honest with you about possibilities, you, in your sensitive and emotional state, have possibly made his thoughts more than they are...just thoughts. My DH says a lot "it's not best for you to know what I think all of the time." When I was young, I disagreed with this. After 23 years of marriage- I DO agree with this! You have said you are going to counseling together during this transition which I think is wise. I think your DH sounds like type that will bring this up if he feels it is an issue. Of course, you are free to bring it up if in coinseling if you want...but I would caution you to not make more of something than it is. Congratulations on your pregnancy!!!
~HM Kate

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Re: Pregnant and DH is nervous

Postby mamame » Thu Dec 25, 2014 2:27 pm

How long was he widowed? He may have just forgotten what living with a woman is like period.
Is he the type that always wants to make you happy? My DH still has trouble understanding that sometimes I'm just sad and it's ok. He doesn't need tio fix it.

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Re: Pregnant and DH is nervous

Postby girliegirl511 » Thu Dec 25, 2014 10:41 pm

Happilymarriedkate:
I LOVE my stepsons and have a great relationship with them. But I wanted my own children and that was a deal breaker. Thankfully my DH also wanted more children...especially a girl so we're praying for a little girl :)

I read your post earlier today about possibly making his comment more than it is. And have thought about alll day, processing and examples. I am the type person to take things very emotionally. But he is genuinely nervous about how to handle me and my roller coaster hormones. He knows it's because of the pregnancy and I'm not actually mad at him...ok so sometimes I am :oops: And before he went to bed I asked him if this was something we needed to talk about with an objective person. DH said it might help. He just needs to understand even if I snap at him or cry my heart out, he's done nothing wrong.

I guess I should add he's nervous about the pregnancy period. So many things are different. Mine is textbook- his first wife's wasn't. She had planned c-sections-I want a home birth, she hated being pregnant-I love it. It's almost like DH is a first time Dad again, but not.


Mamame:

DH was married for 20 years then widowed 4 years. (Side note, I knew DH and first wife before she died. Her funeral and watching him grieve was torture for me!)

DH is a fixer! Thanks for saying that! He likes to fix things. I'll have to use that terminology tomorrow...or maybe wake him up now :) When I cry he tries to figure out why I'm crying, and all I want is for him to hug me. I've conveyd this to him but he still tries to "fix" it. I'm wondering if it's been so long since he's experienced a pregnancy hormones he just doesn't know what to do, bless his heart. Like today, he was helping his youngest put together a Lego set and they were so cute in their marching pajama pants. I just started crying, I left the room because I didn't want them to feel bad. But seeing the father/son bond and knowing that DH is mine...makes me want to cry all over again.

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Re: Pregnant and DH is nervous

Postby Bear » Fri Dec 26, 2014 7:00 am

girliegirl511 wrote:Oh and did anyone convinced their hubby that a home birth was the best thing for you and baby?


Whatever you guys agree to, please be sure you are in agreement. Be aware; one party conceding is not real agreement.

We had two textbook pregnancies, two problematic deliveries, and two healthy children.

Our experience made us grateful for the hospital support as neither outcome would have been the same in another environment.

Others have had perfectly wonderful experiences in their home.

One will hear strong arguments on both sides of this topic...and that's fine, We made the decision we were at peace with. I think that's what each couple should do individually.

However, this isn't a decision like 'what color should we paint the living room' so please be sure you both are listening to and hearing each other as you come to a decision together.
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Re: Pregnant and DH is nervous

Postby VikingJ » Fri Dec 26, 2014 7:09 am

Being a husband who has experienced both c-section, one complicated birth and one relatively easy with complications afterwards I wouldn't be comfortable with a home birth even if the hospital was really close by.
Is there possibilities for a hospital birth with a more home feeling?
DS#3 was born in a hospital but the delivery room was more like a hotel room although fully equipped with oxygen etc nicely hidden behind panels, I think that was the perfect match between cozy and safe.

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Re: Pregnant and DH is nervous

Postby girliegirl511 » Fri Dec 26, 2014 4:36 pm

I want DH to know the benefits of a home birth or birthing center.

This pregnancy ideaoligy is completely different than his first 2. I do want a relaxed atmosphere and want to breastfeed. I don't want this to sound demeaning, but his first wife had planned c-sections because of timing and didn't want to try and breastfeed. Maybe that's why he's nervous.

But ultimately, he's the head of the household and me. So if he's uncomfortable with a home birth or birthing center then I'll go to the hospital. I'm learning the whole submission thing :)

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Re: Pregnant and DH is nervous

Postby BHF » Sat Dec 27, 2014 12:01 am

"The Business of Being Born" (Ricki Lake is a producer) is really good.

20 weeks pregnant now. I had him read a lot about home birth and natural birthing, but ultimately I think it was meeting the midwife that put his mind at ease. I had a million questions and she patiently smiled and answered it reassuringly. She has 25 yrs experience and she and another registered midwife are with me from the time first contractions hit. Ask about transfer rate to hospital, and about what they do in specific instances eg shoulders getting stuck. Mine has only had 4 being transferred, zero child losses. But for her monitoring the actual pregnancy is important, and assessing for risks all the time.

I recommend givingbirthnaturally.com and spinningbabies as good websites for him to read as well.
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Re: Pregnant and DH is nervous

Postby belovedalways » Sat Dec 27, 2014 7:57 am

I agree with BHF both about encouraging your husband to be educated about home birthing and about getting a midwife that has a lot of experience and hopefully has dealt with something going wrong so she knows what to do. We had our last two children at home with no midwife as my husband is medically trained and wanted to do it himself. We DID have a back up plan at our local hospital and a doctor that worked with us and we read several books to make sure we knew what we were doing.. I saw the doctor for pre-natal visits and he had a plan set up at the hospital with all of my info should we need it. We also knew the emergency procedure for transferring me should that need to happen.

WE too have a great midwife locally that has zero patient losses, two transfers and has been a midwife for over 30 years. Midwifery in a private home is illegal in our state which is one reason we didn't use one, but we know a lot of people that have and now their children are using that same midwife.

I wanted to add that up the road from me a bit is a hospital that is not owned by the huge 'system' that owns all of the other medical facilities in this area and they have a fantastic birthing center that allows you to have your midwife with you. A friend of mine has had her last 7 children there and loved it. It's very much like a homebirth w/a midwife, but at the hospital in a bedroom type room--making it all legal to use the midwife and everything. Perhaps you might find something like that near where you live. Might be the best of both choices this time around so both you and your DH can kind of get what you want.
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Re: Pregnant and DH is nervous

Postby girliegirl511 » Sun Dec 28, 2014 10:20 pm

BHF wrote:"The Business of Being Born" (Ricki Lake is a producer) is really good.


We watched it tonight. Very informative and it opened DH up to the possibility of a birthing center. And I printed articles out for him to read which he did and agreed with them. We still have a a couple of months to decide and I'm not setting anything in stone.

belovedalways wrote: Midwifery in a private home is illegal in our state which is one reason we didn't use one, but we know a lot of people that have and now their children are using that same midwife.


I did find out that private homebirth is illegal in our state, a little dissapointing but that's ok.

I need to check with different hospitals, visit each and find out about the pre-admission paperwork. I am in a OB practice with nurse-midwives and my next appointment is with a CNM. My doctor is great, I've been seeing him since I was 19 and started asking questions on my first visit. So he knows what kind of birth plan I want and desire. DH and I have talked about what if something goes wrong, and are both on the same page.

I think DH will come around to a birthing center or more of a homey feeling hospital. I want a loose birth plan for both places, and DH to know my plans. Though if I don't follow the plan it'll be okay!

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Re: Pregnant and DH is nervous

Postby mamame » Mon Dec 29, 2014 12:34 am

Even though he has children, this is really all new to him too. it sounds like he's having normal new father anxiety.

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Re: Pregnant and DH is nervous

Postby Mrs Weller » Mon Dec 29, 2014 1:49 am

mamame wrote:Even though he has children, this is really all new to him too. it sounds like he's having normal new father anxiety.
That sounds about right.

It also sounds to me like you might be a little idealistic about what you birth is going to be like. I have had three totally different experiences giving birth. Each time I have had water birth in my birth plan, it hasn't yet to happen. (missed it by 10 minutes this last time)
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Re: Pregnant and DH is nervous

Postby Mrs Weller » Mon Dec 29, 2014 2:15 am

I would say that he key to having a good birth is the dialogue between You, you Husband and the Midwife/Obstetrician who is supervising the birth. You need to have plans A, B, C, and D, and be able to accept it if the last thing you wanted to happen during the birth happens.

Having said that giving birth is an amazing experience and you can do it.
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Re: Pregnant and DH is nervous

Postby poetess » Mon Dec 29, 2014 9:47 am

It's interesting to me that people always talk about "what if something goes wrong" with a home birth, but not with a hospital birth. Yet I've heard of some things going pretty seriously wrong with hospital births that simply wouldn't have happened with an experienced nurse midwife (e.g., the mother dying of eclampsia).

I determined decades ago that if I ever had children, I wanted a nurse midwife. It's more natural, and with a good, experienced nurse midwife, it's safer. Much less chance of infection. Medical personnel who specialize in birth, rather than doing birth as one of many things (possibly including abortion). And the chance of a C-section is much, much smaller.

Yes, husband and wife should be in agreement. But I'm sorry, I don't see why the "default" should be to the husband's place of comfort or to a hospital birth. We women don't try to decide which screen is better to watch the football game, you know.
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Re: Pregnant and DH is nervous

Postby Bear » Mon Dec 29, 2014 10:03 am

I'm certain one will find plenty of studies on infant mortality that come to wildly different conclusions on home versus hospital environments. Prospective parents are well served researching and coming to the conclusions they both are comfortable with.

poetess wrote:Yes, husband and wife should be in agreement. But I'm sorry, I don't see why the "default" should be to the husband's place of comfort or to a hospital birth. We women don't try to decide which screen is better to watch the football game, you know.


Poetess, with respect, I don't believe anyone posited the argument you made above. I hope that was not inferred from my original post in this thread. I don't believe there should be a "default" to any parties bias -the stakes are far greater than the picture quality of a sporting event.
The same women who are ready to defend their men through thick and thin are...lucid about...the thickness of his head.
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Re: Pregnant and DH is nervous

Postby InGodsGrace » Mon Dec 29, 2014 12:12 pm

Hmmm an experienced doctor who had 12 plus years or a nurse with schooling of a few years, um I'll take the doctor. Every.time. Our first daughter and myself wound have died at home if we went with the "I don't want a c-section, all doctors push c-sections in a hospital setting mind set."

Just because you labor in a hospital doesn't mean you will have a c-section, and just because you have a home birth doesn't mean it will go as planned.

Yes, the couple should be in agreement, and I'm thankful my hubby makes the final decision. And comparing birthing choices to a tv is comparing aloes to oranges.

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Re: Pregnant and DH is nervous

Postby poetess » Mon Dec 29, 2014 1:06 pm

Yes, obviously the stakes are higher in a birthing decision . . . but it seems like the default for most Americans is set to a hospital birth, and no one has to "justify" giving birth there. In some cases, a hospital birth is a better idea--but an experienced nurse midwife won't take a particularly high-risk case in the first place, and she will have hospital backup. An experienced nurse midwife has much, much more experience in her specialty, delivering babies, than does a doctor who does babies and other things too. All in all, I'd rather have the one with surgical experience for surgery, experience with deliveries for childbirth. And I do think the husband's comfort level is important, but secondary.

Anyway, I have no experience here except for being there with some relatives and my own reading and research through the years, so I'll bow out. But very pro-nurse-midwife here.
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Re: Pregnant and DH is nervous

Postby VikingJ » Mon Dec 29, 2014 1:29 pm

Here a nurse/midwife is the one who handles all normal births, even with some complications. Always with the backup of a doctor specialized in childbirth with NICU unit with all its experts close by and ICU and operating theaters close by.

In an emergency a emergency c-section can be done in minutes, none of this is noticed in a normal birth and in semi complicated cases like DS#2 gives the possibility of a normal birth, if he would have been a home birth we would have had to be transported to a hospital because his heart rate dropped if DW was in any other position than on her back, the doctors decided to prepare her for a c-section (wash etc.) in case but give it a couple of hours more as long as the vital signs of the baby was ok.

With this system we have a very low rate of c-section and a high rate of breastfeeding, all the hospitals and healthcare personnel as well as society in general are very positive and you see mothers breastfeeding everywhere.
So I don't think you should be to focused on a specific place or way of giving birth and listen to your husband as he will probably be your best support and to do that he needs all the reassurance he can (your wife giving birth is really scary for most men at the same time its very exciting).

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Re: Pregnant and DH is nervous

Postby mamame » Mon Dec 29, 2014 6:45 pm

My pregnancies were all very medically intensive. Hard for this crunchy girl to swallow.
My doc was amazing to work with. I focused on the things that were the most important to me. For example I wanted to touch my baby straight out of the womb. That's a little tricky during a surgical birth - but they made it happen. It was that instant of connection where she was still warm from my body that I wanted. I didn't want anyone wrong her off first etc.
Going immediately to the best wasn't an option so I picked the part of it that was most important.


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