Forgiveness

[verymuchinlike]

One of my fiancee's best friends was raped when she was younger. She is suffering greatly from flashbacks and depression and has recently started self harming and has attempted suicide twice (although these were both cry for helps and no real effort was made to really do any damage). For various reasons, which I don't think are necessary to go into here, her parents do not know about the rape, or the self harming. Despite this, she is seeking medical help from GP's and mental health practitioners.

She is also speaking to her minister and one of the things that has been brought up by him and my fiancee (who she also confides in a lot) is the issue of forgiving the person that raped her. She says that there is no way she could do that but we think this would help or at least would be a step in the right direction. Has anyone got any words of wisdom? How did you find it in you to forgive? Did it help?

Thanks.

[Autumnrose]

I haven't had this experience, and I *know* there will be those that disagree with my opinion, but if I were in that position or knew someone who was, I could not tell them they "had to forgive" such a viscious animal. I think the *theory* in recommending forgiveness is the *letting go* of the matter, so that one can get on with one's life; to me, that can be done by releasing the matter of forgiveness (and eventual justice) into God's hands. The fact is, those types of creeps tend to remain creeps, and repeat their crimes... I've never heard it said of someone, "Oh he used to be a child molester (or rapist), but he isn't anymore!"

"Forgiving" them changes nothing; "releasing" the matter to God probably will help the victim more than telling them they have to forgive, forget and hug their attacker like a brother in Christ. Blech. JMHO.

[MamaTo4247]

There's an excellent series of posts by dr. mom here that detail some of the how to's of forgiveness. Really excellent reading (that I hope will go onto the main site one of these days!). You may want to print them out for her to look at.

Forgiveness does NOT require that she have this person in her life, nor does it require that she not seek justice. Consequences of one person's sins aren't stopped because they have been forgiven. I think forgiveness is important, but I don't think it has to look like some kind of lovey-dovey, now it's all better and there are no consequences.

~Alise

[Shulamite-in-Training]

Yep - I agree with Alise, and therefore with Dr. Mom/Grace on the matter of forgiveness.

NOT forgiving is like drinking rat poison, and waiting for the rat to die. It doesn't affect the rat, and it eats alive the one who holds onto the unforgiveness (hence her self-harming).

God knew what He was talking about, and doesn't make exceptions for any particular sins, no matter how heinous.



(an option for being able to receive truth about the rape, from the Lord's perspective, rather than the lies she's evidently believing, is THIS ministry)

[TripleA]

Hi!!

I was also raped and I could not get over it until I forgave the men who hurt me. They didn't ask for my forgiveness, but I forgave them more for myself than for them. Is your friend a Christian? If not, it is going to be very near impossible for her to get passed it. My best advice is to pray for her. Not just casually "please God watch over my friend" but seriously pray hard, cry to God for her, and know that He will help her get through it. Also, she should consider telling her parents about it. One of the men who raped me was my brother, so it was really hard for me to tell my mom - but after I finally did tell her I felt about a thousand times lighter... If possible, your friend should consider speaking to a Christian who has been raped and has been able to get passed it. I know I have spoken to several girls and helped them (God helped them through me) see it from a different angle. Now, instead of seeing myself as a victim, I just see myself as a tool that God used for part of His plan...

Hope this helped at all

[tardsarg]

If I may add my thoughts to this thread, they are Forgiveness is mandatory, but forgetfullness isn't. Our pastor explained it like this and I like the explanation. God tells us to forgive, but no where does he say forget. When we forgive that person, they no longer have control over us and can't hurt us anymore. However the relationship we had with them will never be the same and we won't have the trust like we had. It's kind of like as sore that has scabbed over and has an infection, by cleaning out the infection the wound will heal and be come well, as long as the infection is there it won't heal. When we look at the scar left we will always remember what caused it, but it won't hurt anymore. Thanks for letting me add my two cents. Tardsarg.

[PinkBear]

I think a step in the right direction would be if she started forgiving herself for being vulnerable. Just MHO but I think that's more important than forgiving the offender. And I definitely think she should work through this in counselling with a professional trained in this area for this who can help her come to her own peace with how much forgiveness for the perpetrator is necessary for her. It's good that she talks to her pastor and to your fiancee, but with two suicide attempts she needs professional care. As for what your fiancee can do: listen to her friend. From experience, you can't help apart from just being there. You can't make her forgive the perpetrator and I think it wouldn't be a good idea to try as it will just make her distance herself from you. She has to come to her own conclusions.

[tardsarg]

Hey Pinkbear, I agree with you, forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to do. We tend to hold ourselves to a higher standard than we do anyone else. My thougt is we want to prove ourselves stronger than anyone. It's hard to grasp the concept, that God forgives us, but we can't forgive ourselves. my prayer for all of is to be able to forgive ourselves and hopefully we can get on with our lives. I know very well it isn't easy, just worth it. We all need to work on that. God Bless

[2gether4ever94]

My dw Smoothie was raped shortly after we were married. She kept this to herself until this past summer. She feared my reaction to the man that would do such a thing to my bride. She's very smart.

She told me that she had forgiven him. Not in words as she's never seen him since but in her heart. And she said that after she told me she felt much lighter herself. She said that she'd finally gotten strong enough in her faith in Him to know that He wanted her to tell me and had gotten to point in our marriage that she felt she could and should tell me.

God has healed us from so much. The conversation was hard I admit for both of us however again God was with us then and imo moreso now.

2g

[sweetparker]

Pinkbear and TripleA are right.

[mybelovednme]

One of my fiancee's best friends was raped when she was younger. She is suffering greatly from flashbacks and depression and has recently started self harming and has attempted suicide twice (although these were both cry for helps and no real effort was made to really do any damage). For various reasons, which I don't think are necessary to go into here, her parents do not know about the rape, or the self harming. Despite this, she is seeking medical help from GP's and mental health practitioners.

She is also speaking to her minister and one of the things that has been brought up by him and my fiancee (who she also confides in a lot) is the issue of forgiving the person that raped her. She says that there is no way she could do that but we think this would help or at least would be a step in the right direction. Has anyone got any words of wisdom? How did you find it in you to forgive? Did it help?

Thanks.

Hi. I'm a 32 yr old survivor of over 10 years of sexual abuse I understand your friends feelings. She is probably thinking, am I saying "it's ok what he/she did?? I CANT do that because it's not!" What helped me was understanding that I was NOT saying it was ok, but rather that I REFUSE to let him have hold on me any longer, so I forgive. I also know that God wants us to forgive and anything short of that would be displeasing to Him. In her own time she will come to this understanding, but it wont be over night. Even still, I'm dealing with the effects of the abuse. I thank God that He sent me my beloved...I will pray for your friend to find peace.....