Loaded question

Low or no sex drive?
N8Jen11
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Loaded question

Postby N8Jen11 » Mon Jul 10, 2017 10:26 pm

So I posted a while back (year or two ago). I was really frustrated at the time, but I've found some ways to cope, not ideal but necessary. I still get frustrated sometimes but I've learned how to get over it faster than before. Anyway, a few weeks ago DH brought up on one of our date nights that he thinks part of his desire and now some Ed issues are from guilt about past sexual sin (before marriage), possibly some bad messages about sex that have stuck around, etc. He knows that he's forgiven, he knows holding on to it is like saying what Jesus did wasn't enough, he knows that he shouldn't hold on to it because God not only allows healthy sexuality in marriage but encourages it. So my question is how do I help him through working through all that?

After lurking around here again for a while I do think I'm realizing I haven't been entirely honest with him when it comes to talking about how all this makes me feel and how it effects me. But I also don't want to upset him or give the impression that I'm upset, mad, angry, because most of the time I'm not. I've kinda just put myself on autopilot to deal with the feelings as they come up. I read a comment about the "cycle" us that are habitually refused go through every time and while I definitely still go through all of it, it's much faster now because I've just made myself accept it faster.

Also most of the time I'm fine with researching and sending him articles on particular issues and what not but sometimes I just think it's useless because he can spend hours looking at things he wants to look at and puts zero effort into this area even though he admits it's an issue. And it's not from me bringing it up because I stopped that a while ago. But it's just like what gives?

A little back story to try an answer some of the questions I'm sure will come up. We've been dealing with this issue for a long time now, I'd say 10 or so years now. DH used to be very into/positive about sex, liked most things foreplay wise and now nothing. No desire and now says that most foreplay he doesn't like and a good portion of it grosses him out.

He has been diagnosed with low t, and we didn't start treatment because we were contemplating having another baby, we decided against that so that is something we will probably pursue. I did buy some L-arginine supplements that I saw suggested here because of some of the Ed issues (not complete Ed but he's been having some difficulty) and there was also a t booster of the same brand, all natural so I bought that too. If we're not seeing any improvement in a week or two we'll get the doc to write the script for the t injections. He was right below the normal range (which I realize is still very low) so I thought it would be worth a try.

As far as the Ed issues, it seems to only be when we're getting ready to have sex...he's still having erections at night and can get them with some stimulation.

As far as I know and as far as he's told me, there aren't any underlying relationship issues that could be the cause. We have pretty much the perfect marriage other than this one area and I've asked him before if there was anything at all bothering him he says there's not.

My side of it, I could deal easily with the Ed issues and really everything except the lack of desire. To me I want to be pursued and I'm not at all. I'll do just about anything to help get him back there.

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Re: Loaded question

Postby tjw » Tue Jul 11, 2017 3:09 am

NBJen11 wrote:But it's just like what gives?


My guess is that there IS an underlying relationship issue on his part. It may actually be caused by the ED, and low T may definitely be affecting this.
I think his reluctance to research and seek answers is not uncommon among men when it comes to sexual difficulties. Pain avoidance is the
most powerful motivator in our thoughts, and looking at himself being less capable than he used to be is emotionally painful.

There's a "cycle" that men go through with ED. It begins in the physical. Older, tired, low T, alcohol, etc. But the physical occurrence sparks psychological interference, which makes the ED worse. A long period of ED can occur because of a single episode in which he couldn't perform.
Several episodes of ED can create a fixation in which the man may begin to avoid sex in order to avoid the associated emotional pain.

I think satan is playing tricks on him. Your H would have likely been more guilty years ago, when you say he had good interest in sex. That is a non sequitur. Your husband may indeed believe this, though. It's easy to get trapped in the lies, and blame something which has nothing to do with the problem.

The best way to help others who experience difficulty putting their past sin "under the blood" is testimony. Testimony about how Jesus helped you to overcome guilt and shame. We all have a "past", and finding something to talk about is usually not a problem :)

Testimony from other men who have experienced it and overcome it is very helpful, however, it isn't easy to find, only a small percentage of men will actually admit ED to other men.

Nocturnal erections are also common to continue even after ED troubles begin. Erections are emotionally fragile. Dreams don't contain "failures", as a general rule. So the emotional component of the ED is not present when he's asleep.

When I was very much younger, in the days before viagra, I went through a bout with psychological ED. My doc prescribed T injections and supplied them to me, along with niacin, an over-the-counter supplement which is a vasodilator. It helped me to overcome it over the period of 3-4 months.

I've never used any T-booster, and there are other men on here who are far more knowledgeable about T therapy than me. I'm going to let them weigh in for you.

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Re: Loaded question

Postby Job29Man » Tue Jul 11, 2017 4:14 am

What is his height and weight?
How old is he?
What is his job?
What are his physical activities?
Does he eat much at restaurants?
Does he eat processed foods? i.e. things not cooked at home from 'scratch'?
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

N8Jen11
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Re: Loaded question

Postby N8Jen11 » Tue Jul 11, 2017 5:28 am

He's 32 and he is a little overweight (we both are), he's been trying to work on that. He works as a factory mechanic. We do eat out and not eat the healthiest, another thing we're working on. Usually the eating out is when we're busy and/or tired but we do need to stop that. That's another thing. He talks about having motivation issues, by that I mean when he wants to do something like watching what he eats, or taking steps to correct these issues, and other things he says he wants to but has a hard time making himself do it. I can start cooking healthier things and have, however that presents the issue of half the healthy stuff mainly veggies he doesn't like for one reason or another. It's very difficult to find healthy recipes with only the few veggies that he likes.

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Re: Loaded question

Postby Learning1 » Tue Jul 11, 2017 7:14 am

What are the few veggies he likes ? A few years ago, we started going meatless 2-3 times a week and I've got a ton of recipes, I thought it would be much harder than it is.

What about lean proteins ? Is is set on red meat, will he switch to chicken, fish, turkey ?
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Re: Loaded question

Postby Unfulfilled » Tue Jul 11, 2017 7:28 am

From my reading here and other placea, a man (or woman) with low T, it is VERY common symptom to have complete lack of motivation or desire to do a dang thing about it. That lack of energy, stamina, fatigue also is a direct result of low T further contributes to lack of motivation to do anything about it.

I don't think he has to know or feel like you are angry with him etc. but I think it is important for him to know that it does affect you. Hiding your true feelings from your spouse rarely is or has a long term positive effect on the relationship.

Low T has other significant health effects and quality of life affects in addition, to just sexual performance and drive. Including easier to loose and maintain weight. Many reports I have read from men who habe "reluctantly " gotten Bioidentical hormone treatment have said they quite literally became a "new man" again. They had no idea that the low T had such a dramatic effect on their overall life and health. That they literally were like in a fog, and a funk that resulted in them to stay in the cycle of doom and gloom with no desire to loft themselves out of it.

More than one man has thanked their wife for doing the tough love job of rescuing him and "forcing" him to get T treatment. And rhose men never want to alide back into that dark place again.

So while the testosterone treatment may not be the complete answer, I think it could be a huge catalyst towards a solution.

Be aware that most T "normal" ranges are NOT adjusted for age. Men naturally loose T as they get older. Yet they often times "lump" all men from20 years old to 99 hears old and then only throw out the highest and lowest loke 2.5% and call every one else "normal" who falls into thr remaining 95% range. But a 32 year old man should habe substantially higher T levels than a 50 year old man. So the bottommof the "normal range" would be a terribme nu ber for a young man. My point, dont just fall for or accept that he is "normal" if he is at the bottom of the range. Make sure his age is considered and more anout his symptoms, or lack of symptoms ALONG with the lab reaults. Also make sure to get all the sex hormones tested, inclide DHEA and make sure to get both free testosterone AND total testosterone. It is the "free testosterone" that is actually used by the body, total T is interesting but is not what really matters.

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Re: RE: Re: Loaded question

Postby N8Jen11 » Tue Jul 11, 2017 9:42 am

Learning1 wrote:What are the few veggies he likes ? A few years ago, we started going meatless 2-3 times a week and I've got a ton of recipes, I thought it would be much harder than it is.

What about lean proteins ? Is is set on red meat, will he switch to chicken, fish, turkey ?

He likes broccoli, corn, carrots, and salad. He likes chicken and other lean meats, we've started to switch out some red meat with the leaner meats like instead of hamburgers we do turkey burgers. Also using lettuce as "buns" and "wraps" instead of bread and tortilla shells, etc.
I would be totally up to some more recipes though.

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Re: Loaded question

Postby N8Jen11 » Tue Jul 11, 2017 9:49 am

Unfulfilled- I agree I think the low t is a major player too and we are going to start that soon. It's not with just this that he seems to have a lack of motivation it's a lot of things. He knows it effects me but I don't think I've told him just how much because I know it bothers him and I didn't want to bring him down further.

Learning1, he doesn't like tomatoes at all, any bell peppers, mushrooms, cucumbers, etc.

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Re: Loaded question

Postby TJC » Tue Jul 11, 2017 11:21 am

I could be wrong, but I think I read that Low-T affects motivation in all areas, not just sexual.
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Re: Loaded question

Postby Learning1 » Sat Jul 15, 2017 4:54 am

That's great he likes salads.. how does he feel about Spinach Salads ?

We have been having a Spinach salad at least once a week as our main meal since spring. Below are some of our favorites variations.

Spinach Salad with Avocado & Orange
1 1/2 tablespoons lime juice
4 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil
1 tablespoon chopped cilantro
1/8 teaspoon kosher salt
1/2 C diced peeled ripe avocado
1/2 C fresh orange segments (I have also left out the orange)
1 approx 5 oz bag of spinach (I prefer baby)
1/8 teaspoon black pepper

Combine first 4 ingredients in a bowl, stirring with a whisk.
Toss avocado, orange segments, and spinach in a bowl. Add oil mixture; toss again. Sprinkle on black pepper.


Spinach Salad with Berries & Goat Cheese
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
4 teaspoons balsamic vinegar
1/2 teaspoon honey
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
1/8 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1 C fresh raspberries (I have also used blueberries or strawberries even a mixed berry combo)
1/4 C chopped red onion
1 5 oz package baby spinach
1/4 C crumbled goat cheese

Combine first 5 ingredients in a bowl, stirring with a whisk.
Combine berries, onion, and spinach in a bowl. Add oil mixture; toss. Top with cheese.


Spinich, Quinoa & Shrimp Salad
3/4 cup water
1/2 C uncooked quinoa, rinsed and drained
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 pound medium shrimp, peeled and deveined
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 1/2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
3 tablespoons lemon juice
1 teaspoon chopped dill
1/4 teaspoon honey
2 cups fresh baby spinach leaves
The recipe also calls for below ingredients (sometimes I have left one or more of them out, as I did not have them)
1 cup thinly sliced cucumber
1/2 cup thinly sliced radish
1/2 cup sugar snap peas, thinly sliced

Combine 3/4 cup water, quinoa, and 1/8 teaspoon salt in a small saucepan; bring to a boil. Cover, reduce heat, and simmer 12 minutes or until liquid is absorbed and quinoa is tender. Cool quinoa mixture slightly. Heat a large skillet over medium-high heat. Coat pan with cooking spray. Sprinkle shrimp with remaining 1/8 teaspoon salt and 1/4 teaspoon pepper. Add shrimp to pan; cook 2 minutes on each side or until done. Combine remaining 1/4 teaspoon pepper, oil, lemon juice, dill, and honey in a large bowl, stirring with a whisk. Add quinoa, shrimp, spinach, and remaining ingredients; toss,


My DH likes a crusty bread on the side.
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Re: Loaded question

Postby tjw » Sat Jul 15, 2017 6:26 am

N8Jen11 wrote:I don't think I've told him just how much because I know it bothers him and I didn't want to bring him down further.


You have great insight into male psychology. We guys want our wives to "have the best". It's very painful for us to think you would be better off with somebody else. We tend to really retract into our shell when our wives say it affects them.

I sure hope some T replacement helps him out. I think TJC is right, low T influences aspects of our lives other than sex. I know it has a relationship to physical strength and stamina, and to our self-esteem.

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Re: Loaded question

Postby N8Jen11 » Mon Jul 17, 2017 8:33 pm

Thanks @TJW, I try. It's hard for me to find the balance though. The first few years of this was a lot of fighting and not healthy conversation. I know that's not going to help anything and I'm regretful I let those things happen. So for the last several years, I pretty much just don't say anything. My thought process is he knows it's an issue why bring it up. But at the same time he's not doing anything to fix it on his own so sometimes I just don't know what to do anymore. It hasn't always been like this and sometimes I think that makes it harder.

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