Low sex drive, can't stand touching

Low or no sex drive?
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Date of your marriage (past or future): August 19th, 2007
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Low sex drive, can't stand touching

Postby whd » Fri Dec 16, 2016 9:23 pm

We've been married 9 years, no history of CSA or anything like that. We fooled around (kissing & heavy petting) before marriage but saved everything else until after marriage. The kissing and petting was very, very exciting before marriage... and then after marriage... it got less and less exciting for me (wife) anymore.

It's gotten to the point that I don't find myself turned on ever, or desiring sex (but I want to). His touching does NOT feel good when I'm not turned on and that is extremely discouraging for him.

I am currently being treating by natural means for hormonal imbalances related to infertility and miscarriage. So I would not be surprised if there were other hormonal imbalances affecting my sex drive that we didn't test for. It also doesn't help that we have a 2yo sleeping in our bed. Anyone know of some supplements that helped with the female sex drive that I could talk to my ND about?

But in the end I'm curious if it's common for sex or sexual activity to be exciting before marriage and then stop after marriage. What can be done about that? To be honest, I really haven't had any guilt about what we did before marriage. I have asked God to forgive me because I do believe it was sinful, but it has never bothered me.

Also... the most common way sex gets initiated is after I've already been asleep in bed for a few hours at night, hubby finally comes to bed after being on the computer all that time, and he wakes me up with pinching and caressing. I DO NOT get turned on by that. That's how he tries to initiate sex at other times, too... walking up and rubbing himself on me or by grabbing my genitals. I find it very uncomfortable.

What is a more healthy way or effective way to initiate sex?

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Re: Low sex drive, can't stand touching

Postby doug-h » Fri Dec 16, 2016 10:38 pm

I would say a conversation is in order. Even if you don't know what specific turn ons might be, it seems you have identified some specific turn offs.
I would be gentle with that conversation, because you don't want him to think you are not turned on by him, just specific techniques. Be patient, as guys can be a bit persistent and slow learners.

I would also discuss bed times. Find a compromise that has you both in the bed at the same time. I can't say that my wife has a high sex drive, but a sure way for me to make it lower, is to show up to bed after she has settled in to sleep. She is not terribly deliberate about it, so when she goes to bed, whatever time that is, I turn the lights off and go with her. It takes some adjustment, but it is well worth it for me.

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Re: Low sex drive, can't stand touching

Postby poetess » Sat Dec 17, 2016 6:11 am

Even if the night owl isn't ready to sleep. We always go to bed together and cuddle for a few minutes. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we have sex, but usually we just cuddle because he isn't that alert at night. I may or may not go to sleep; I may get back up again, but at least we do go to bed together daily.

Do you object to being awakened for sex, or just the method? If you wouldn't being awakened, but just the method, then you can say something like this: "Do you know what would get me revved up better? Come and lie beside me, and at first don't touch me at all, just whisper against my neck. Then take my hand and hold it, and with your other hand gently stroke my face." Or whatever would work for you. Or if it doesn't really work to be awakened, tell him, "I love having sex with you, but it would be even more fun if I was awake for it. When you want to make love to me, tell me ahead of time you want to go to bed early tonight . . ." Or, again, whatever works for you. But put a positive "frame" on your request, not a criticism.

If he persists in the pinching and all, it seems more than fair to be direct about that part. "Honey, please do not wake me up that way. It's unpleasant. If you need me during the night, then say my name softly, or . . . "
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Low sex drive, can't stand touching

Postby LovesHisKitten » Thu Dec 22, 2016 2:03 pm

    2yo sleeping in parents bed
    Hormonal imbalance
    Different bed times
    Husband's initiation style and timing
    Lack of "excitement"

    What is keeping the child in your bed?
    Why are bed times different for you and hubby?
    Have you told him (do you know) what initiation style would work?
    Is the problem a lack of excitement or a lack of variety?

I may be wrong, but I'm not seeing a lack of drive in your original post. I'm seeing a lack of foreplay, possibly due to the child being in the way, and a lack of communication between you and your husband about how to make sex work with the child in the house. You are not alone in not wanting to be touched in certain ways with out some (or a lot) of warm up first. That warm up time is harder with kids under foot (and harder still with them in your bedroom).

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