Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Low or no sex drive?
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George B.
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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby George B. » Thu Aug 18, 2016 7:38 am

AgentCarter wrote:My husband made good on his word ::alarm AND I get breakfast out of the deal, too. :D :wink:


That's great!
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby Nova » Fri Aug 19, 2016 12:24 am

AgentCarter wrote:I've offered oral sex for the past few days

If I might make a suggestion, try not asking next time. Just go for it and see if he comes along for the ride.
Please don't think I'm being aggressive just because I use strong language. If I'm posting on your thread, it's because I care.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby AgentCarter » Fri Aug 19, 2016 11:15 am

Nova wrote:
AgentCarter wrote:I've offered oral sex for the past few days

If I might make a suggestion, try not asking next time. Just go for it and see if he comes along for the ride.


Historically (well, since the wedding), that sort of touching has been shut down. I haven't just presented a point blank question, but have let my hands wander and then explained that I want to do it. His latest response was to "save it."

He has had the past two days off from work and after falling asleep on me the night that he promised to have sex (after a week, which was killing me), he made good on it the next morning. He also apologized for not having been sexually available lately and for falling asleep the night before.

Last night we had a serious but calm and quiet conversation about our frequency. I lovingly told him that I actually need him, and he said that he understands/doesn't want me to be in want/wants me too, but is so tired. We have talked about how his work schedule leaves him mentally drained and physically tired, and about how we might be able to balance it in our marriage. I have asked him how I can help him get ready for and relax after work and he had no input. I am still brainstorming.

The TV/show/game frequency is still high, though I have expressed to him that the constant streaming of some show makes me feel like he'd rather watch something and zone out than spend time with me, regardless of whether he's worked or not. He apologized for that, said it was unintentional and now asks if it's okay if we watch something while we're cooking/around the house. Point is, he's cognizant of it now, anyway, which I appreciate.

I would love to have sex before the TV shows (which I enjoy, too, for the record) come on, but I understand his need to wind down after work. But maybe we could do it after a show or two? While dinner cooks? We'll see how this work week pans out. He is working a day of overtime this week, too, so it'll be 60+ hours over the next 6 days with no day off. I feel bad for him but he is uncomfortable with our financial situation (he thinks we don't have enough stored away for incidentals/emergencies, though I have plenty stored away for both of us - he doesn't want to "ask" for or use money that was mine because he wants to provide) so I wasn't able to talk him out of the overtime. Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn.

Either way, things have been better in our house. We are getting closer to being on the same page. There is peace in our home.

And regarding comparison/my body molding to his: I prayerfully believe and have believed that the Lord would honor my desires to be for my husband, and that He would honor our marriage. Well, the sex is getting better and better. We have varied our positions, etc, from the beginning, but I notice that I feel "fuller" from him than I have, and that fuels my fires all over again. Apologies if that's TMI. He has what I need. I am prayerfully looking forward to more of it.

Thank you all for your suggestions and support. So glad that I found TMB.
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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby Unfulfilled » Fri Aug 19, 2016 8:21 pm

I know that he is working long hours etc. but has he investigated other health potential causes? Has he had blood work done? Has he had his Testosterone levels check? Has he had his thyroid levels Checked (need to test for both Free T4 and Free T3 and not rely solely on the useless TSH test for thyroid!) has he checked his vitamin b12 vitaminD3 and iron? Any or all of not well into the middle of the range or towards the high end can all be cause for fatigue and lack of energy. Low thyroid (below 50% of the range) can also kill sex drive, fatigue and cause brain fog etc.

There are any number of things that could be contributing to some of this.

The fact he is so focused on "providing" is an indication to me that he views himself poorly and that could contribute to him feeling like a lessor of a man. Having a wife be the sexual aggressor, while he knows that most men are, is further "evidence" in his mind that he is not a "real" man. The fact that he KNOWS he is not overly well endowed with his physical manhood is just another blow to his ego.

He seems to be avoiding sex. Intellectually he wants to like and perform and make you feel wonderful. But every time he has sex he may feel a failure. And it would be normal to want to avoid something you believe yourself to be a failure at.

Just some thoughts to consider. Among many.

Trust me. I know what it is like to have a spouse who would rather sleep than have sex with you. I've pretty much lived that every day for 26+ years. I would not wish that pain on my worst enemy.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby tjw » Sat Aug 20, 2016 3:28 am

Unfulfilled has knocked this one out of the park. I can't improve on that.

I prayerfully believe and have believed that the Lord would honor my desires to be for my husband, and that He would honor our marriage. Well, the sex is getting better and better.


My beloved sister, you are knocking it out of the park, too. May the wonderful name of our Lord Jesus Christ be blessed forever. You hold fast to that position, in your prayers, and in your interaction with your husband, and guaranteed, on the authority of God's Word. you and your husband will have a happy marriage and a loving and fulfilling sex life.

There's a terrific old gospel song titled "He Looked Beyond My Fault, and Saw My Need". If there is a single phrase in the word of man which describes
God better, or how we conform to His likeness better, I don't know of it.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby padsnd » Sat Aug 20, 2016 4:59 am

Agree with Unfulfilled regarding the medical check. I understand the being tired. I can also say that some doctors (in my experience many) will look at low numbers and say they are still in range. Stay strong and keep searching for answers. Multiple doctors said my levels were on the low end--but not low enough to treat since they were "within range". When I finally found a doctor who would try something to see if it would help, the doctor told me that my levels were completely normal for a 90 year old.

If he is that tired, it isn't just going to affect the bedroom long term. He's going to have trouble staying awake or functioning in normal life. You don't want to be dealing with him falling asleep at work, dozing off while driving, being in a daze/fog when working with tools/machines, etc.

The threads are old enough to probably be pruned, but I've argued in the past that even LD (not LrD but actual LD or NND/ND) is a medical condition that should be treated like a canary in a coal mine. Too often, our society looks at near no drive--more often in women--and says it's normal or just affects sex. When you take that approach, the need to address the issue only applies if you want to fix a sexual problem (and a segment of society even thinks that the sex problems are things to just get over). In reality though, the sexual issues aren't something to ignore--even if both spouses are happy with a lower drive. Why? Because normal body functions operating at the extremes of typical ranges are at least something to monitor if not correct. The body is screaming, "I'm supposed to do X, but I can't! Something is wrong." A normally functioning body is not supposed to be so tired that it can't function. It also isn't supposed to be void of desire (excluding someone with the unique gift of celibacy).


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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby txtwindad » Sat Aug 20, 2016 7:01 am

The threads are old enough to probably be pruned, but I've argued in the past that even LD (not LrD but actual LD or NND/ND) is a medical condition that should be treated like a canary in a coal mine. Too often, our society looks at near no drive--more often in women--and says it's normal or just affects sex. When you take that approach, the need to address the issue only applies if you want to fix a sexual problem (and a segment of society even thinks that the sex problems are things to just get over). In reality though, the sexual issues aren't something to ignore--even if both spouses are happy with a lower drive. Why? Because normal body functions operating at the extremes of typical ranges are at least something to monitor if not correct. The body is screaming, "I'm supposed to do X, but I can't! Something is wrong." A normally functioning body is not supposed to be so tired that it can't function. It also isn't supposed to be void of desire (excluding someone with the unique gift of celibacy).


Yes! Great observation.
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Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby tjw » Sat Aug 20, 2016 8:30 am

Multiple doctors said my levels were on the low end--but not low enough to treat since they were "within range". When I finally found a doctor who would try something to see if it would help, the doctor told me that my levels were completely normal for a 90 year old.


Yep. BTDT. My testosterone levels were like that, completely normal for an octogenarian when I was 33. And, finding a doc who would do something about it wasn't easy. I had to go to a guy which many people considered a "quack" to get testosterone injections. And, when I did, he also prescribed Niacin, which is an over-the-counter vasodilator. Viagra wasn't around yet in those days.

This combination allowed me to get an erection again, even though I wasn't physically impotent. I had nocturnal erections and, although sinful and something I shunned, I got them if I thought about other women. The medical therapy helped my body to overcome the shame and embarrassment of "not measuring up" to her ex.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby Unfulfilled » Sat Aug 20, 2016 11:05 am

I am about to turn 50. But I have the T levels of a 60 year old. Mans instead of a 1% decline in a year that is natural. My levels de lined about 25%.

The dr told me insurance would not cover Teatosterone replacement because I was still in the normal range.

At this point I went with it because my sex drive had been a curse in the past. Now it is starting to better match with my wife. So for me, it is just easier to leave sleeping T levels lie.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby AgentCarter » Sat Aug 20, 2016 3:27 pm

Hi, all.

Well, before I address some of your concerns I'll tell you how the past 24 hours have panned out - not sure what to make of things. It requires a bit more backstory. Think it's relevant.

So, as I've stated, my husband works quite a bit. He is the primary bread winner for us, though I have some significant savings which I am entirely willing to use on our behalf. He is stuck with at least 50 hours a week for now per a yearly contract that he signed before we met, and has said to me that while he was praying for a wife, he decided to earn as much as possible/commit to as much work as possible because he wanted to be able to provide a nice wedding and lifestyle for her (me). We had a gorgeous wedding which we have paid for in full, together, but it used a decent bit of his savings (with his consent and after our discussions). However, he had some bills after the wedding which were unexpected and which were set into motion without his approval. His savings are low and I think it makes him uncomfortable. Money is not something that I think emasculates or challenges his manhood, as someone suggested. Rather, he was raised in a strong Christian home where his father made sure that they were without want, though his mother worked as well. He feels that it is his duty to provide for me and, frankly, I agree to a certain degree. I do wish that he would let me put some money into his savings account or at least to re-direct it from our honeymoon fund, but he doesn't want to touch my money for things that he feels are basic, regular needs/bills. We have yet to merge our assets because I am still in the rigmarole of changing my name legally. It is also worth nothing that at one point in his early 20's, he unexpectedly lost his job and lived out of his car/showered at his gym for a few weeks because he didn't want to ask for help from his (loving, balanced Christian) parents. He isn't afraid of that happening again (it's legally impossible for him to up and lose his job like that again), but I think that motivated him to have a "cushion" in his finances which, again, I appreciate. He provides a beautiful little apartment for us and we spend smartly. We have budgets and we stick to them. I understand his motivations for having a safety net and don't think them out of line, though I wish he'd relax a little bit about it and let me help.

I am new to the area - and 2,000+ miles from home - after completing my bachelor's this spring, so in between looking for work locally, I am rebranding my husband's side business (yes, the guy has a for-now-inactive side business), rebuilding his/our website, making contacts, running numbers, keeping/organizing records and also doing some freelance translating of my own on the side, while maintaining our home and daily functions - cooking aside, because he is on a strict diet and enjoys doing it. So, both of us are fairly busy, though he is the only one who has to be somewhere at a certain time. This area is foreign to both of us. He has been living here for a few years but it's culturally very different from the regions where we grew up. English is not the dominant language. We have yet to find a church where we feel theologically and interpersonally "at home," despite searching.

All of these factors (his work, not liking the area, the lack of a church foundation, no family, and the sex thing) boiled up and spilled over yesterday. When he came home, he ranted a bit about work and how much he hates the agency he's with, which was fine. Then he noticed that the trash hadn't gone out. We'd previously (a few weeks back) left it on our patio with the intention to take it out the next morning but forgot about it for a few days, so the apartment complex gave us a tidiness warning - which we were both embarrassed about. Yesterday, he was supposed to have taken it out with him when he went to work. When I got up, he hadn't done that. I put it outside with the intent to take care of it but got wrapped up in doing loads of his gym and uniform laundry, unpacking and putting together a new lounge chair that he's been waiting for for weeks so he could have it when he got home, plus some work that I had a deadline on, and just didn't get to it. When he saw it shorty after coming home, he flipped out. Accusatory language, the apartment complex is going to be furious, blah, blah. It was my fault, even though he had promised to do it. I bit my tongue and took care of it - including cleaning up the mess from the broken bag - while he showered. He noticed that I dealt with it when he got out of the shower but instead of saying, "sorry for blowing up," I got, "thanks for everything you do around here" and I just couldn't swallow my attitude from that point. Very quiet all night, though he did turn off his show when I got out of the shower I took when he was done. I decided to throw on a bra I knew he'd like and went back and forth from the bathroom shirtless a few times, "just to see," and so far as I could tell, he hardly looked up... at first.

I put on a tank top that he got me while we were dating and settled in to a plate of leftovers. He was intermittently touchy from that point, despite the silence. Like he was testing the waters, even though things were clearly tense. Erections were obvious on multiple occasions and we probably could have made amends, but I had hit my wall with the trash thing. Poor response on my part. DH: "Are you okay?" Me: "Yeah." DH:"Are you sure? You're quiet." Me:"Yeah. It goes two ways." He started the Xbox up while I wrapped up some work, but he invited to play with him multiple times. He ranted some more about work and wanting to move from the area. I asked him if he felt that he didn't have any physical energy at the end of his work day and he said that he felt like he had physical energy, he was just mentally annoyed/fed up. "I'm too tired" hasn't verbatim come up, but he falls asleep a lot - perhaps I misrepresented in other posts.

We ended up talking a little more easily shortly thereafter about other things and before I knew it, we were cuddling on this new oversized chair. He was stroking my hair, my hands were wandering around his waistline. I didn't want to push him, though, because he didn't have an erection and we'd had sex the morning before; I didn't want to unintentionally emasculate him if he was too tired/didn't want to do anything/whatever. He got up and went to bed. I cleaned the kitchen, got his coffee and lunch stuff ready and came to bed. I laid down and rolled away from him to sleep but as soon as I did, his hands were all over me. Very passionate. In a way that he hasn't been for weeks. Very intentional. Controlling, but in a gender-based, positive way. Masculine. I was really taken aback given how things have been since we've been home from our travels (2 and a half weeks now), so I was trying to talk to him about it, about how I need that kind of sex and how I need him to want me.

DH: "I hear you." Me: "No, really, I need this." DH: "Okay." Me: "Like, please, when you come home, if you aren't tired... please." DH: "Babe, stop talking." And it was good. Really, solidly good. And he was masculine and confident and ::alarm ::alarm . A bit quick, but totally within normal ranges as far as my knowledge of men and hopes for sex go.

So, that's where we are today.

I took note of all the thoughts regarding low testosterone and other physical factors, tests. I'm not sure how he would react to such a conversation and honestly don't believe that physical factors are that much of a concern. Possibly, but I honestly believe that it's a two-fold of work being stressful and him naturally putting a lot of pressure on himself/not letting me take some of his normal, day-to-day concerns (about money and such) as his wife. I think he's still realizing that, like, I'm his WIFE. Not all the worry needs to fall on him. I'm a big girl. I'm smart and spiritually balanced and it's LITERALLY MY JOB to help and support him. Will keep thinking about the physical aspects that some of you have brought up -- THANK YOU for the information. Apologies if this was wordy. Time crunch again today, but I thought that the recent events were of note. Thank you all again for your support. TMB is suuuuuuch an awesome resource.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby padsnd » Sat Aug 20, 2016 5:29 pm

Unfulfilled,

While I understand your point and in the past wished for a lower drive, I don't think it is a good thing for multiple reasons:

* As I indicated above, a decrease (especially a significant one) in sex drive is just an indicator that something is wrong. Ignoring that because a lower sex drive is okay or even nice for you or your spouse is like a person who has a tendency toward inappropriate sarcasm experiencing mental conditions that slows their thoughts and deciding its helping with one thing so lets not treat it.
* The spouse that wishes for a partner with lower drive is unintentionally wishing for them to have a body that isn't functioning properly. Good-intentioned or not, that is not loving.
* Regardless of what the books say, even a woman with ND, NND, or even more than just moderately LD is not normal. In such conditions, there is almost certainly a physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual issue that should be addressed.


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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby tjw » Sun Aug 21, 2016 11:09 am

These things:

His savings are low and I think it makes him uncomfortable.
he was raised in a strong Christian home where his father made sure that they were without want
his mother worked as well
He feels that it is his duty to provide for me


and this:
Money is not something that I think emasculates or challenges his manhood


are a complete non sequitur.

I think he's still realizing that, like, I'm his WIFE. Not all the worry needs to fall on him. I'm a big girl. I'm smart and spiritually balanced and it's LITERALLY MY JOB to help and support him.


Again, my sister, you're hitting a home run. God is working.

he has had a handful of long term sexual partners/girlfriends


Premarital sex sometimes ain't what the world cracks it up to be. There can be some really painful results which continue their effect into
the later marriage. Just a thought, don't know if it applies to your husband's case.

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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby AgentCarter » Sun Aug 21, 2016 1:46 pm

tjw wrote:These things... are a complete non sequitur.

I think another poster had suggested that maybe part of the pressure he's feeling is financial, and perhaps that was affecting his sex drive.

tjw wrote:Premarital sex sometimes ain't what the world cracks it up to be. There can be some really painful results which continue their effect into the later marriage. Just a thought, don't know if it applies to your husband's case.

You raise an excellent point about sinful sex which I have understood, but hadn't thought about in the context of his lack of drive. Let me elaborate.

We are now at 3 full force, satisfying sexual encounters in 3 days' time. This sudden burst of activity certainly makes me wonder what his block may have been over the last few weeks, if it (clearly) wasn't physical.

Given the last few days and how aggressive he's been (in the best, loving, balanced ways), I wonder if he had unknowingly settled into the previous status quo that he'd known from other partners. That perhaps he was used to contact maybe once a week, and even with my telling him that I was more than willing and wanting to participate more than that, it hadn't sunk in to his spirit and psyche just yet. Both of us are very aware of the sinfulness of our pasts. It grieves us. Weirdly, we both had a lot of dreams/nightmares about our exes during the same period of time, about 15-20 days after the wedding. I didn't feel threatened by his dreams and he didn't seem to be by mine; we talked about it openly and it was kind of mutually understood that given our marriage and the recent shifts in our lives, we both seemed to be kind of re-processing the past in our dreams. Those dreams did not carry over into our day to day functions.Yet, I wonder if his seeming re-processing put him back into that relationship, sexually speaking. Not in desire or in a way that would equate to infidelity, but in function/status quo. I've not talked to him about this, but perhaps I will. I WILL pray on it, though.

Whatever his hang ups were over the past 10 days to 2 weeks, they seem to be waning now. I've told him since our marriage that I need to have him, but he seemed to actually *get it* a few days ago and he has been readily available for me every day since -- with no performance problems or other physical limitations. He has been pursuing me and taking control of the situation in ways that I feel are Biblically appropriate for a married couple and which are fulfilling for me emotionally and physically. Our parts are working just fine. And the LORD has heard me and honored our marriage, as I prayed He would. I am a very happy wife today.
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Re: Newlyweds: Not Enough Sex

Postby tjw » Sun Aug 21, 2016 2:08 pm

And the LORD has heard me and honored our marriage, as I prayed He would. I am a very happy wife today.


I'm so glad.....you and your husband seem to be headed into a wonderful shared life.

The other poster is quite correct in that anything which affects our overall sense of self-worth tends to inhibit our sex drive. Not that our desire
for sex is abated, it just makes us "tentative" and lack confidence.

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I think it's porn

Postby AgentCarter » Mon Apr 10, 2017 10:58 am

[Moderator note: OP has made an update to this thread here in the Pornography section.]
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