Well, before I address some of your concerns I'll tell you how the past 24 hours have panned out - not sure what to make of things. It requires a bit more backstory. Think it's relevant.
So, as I've stated, my husband works quite a bit. He is the primary bread winner for us, though I have some significant savings which I am entirely willing to use on our behalf. He is stuck with at least 50 hours a week for now per a yearly contract that he signed before we met, and has said to me that while he was praying for a wife, he decided to earn as much as possible/commit to as much work as possible because he wanted to be able to provide a nice wedding and lifestyle for her (me). We had a gorgeous wedding which we have paid for in full, together, but it used a decent bit of his savings (with his consent and after our discussions). However, he had some bills after the wedding which were unexpected and which were set into motion without his approval. His savings are low and I think it makes him uncomfortable. Money is not something that I think emasculates or challenges his manhood, as someone suggested. Rather, he was raised in a strong Christian home where his father made sure that they were without want, though his mother worked as well. He feels that it is his duty to provide for me and, frankly, I agree to a certain degree. I do wish that he would let me put some money into his savings account or at least to re-direct it from our honeymoon fund, but he doesn't want to touch my money for things that he feels are basic, regular needs/bills. We have yet to merge our assets because I am still in the rigmarole of changing my name legally. It is also worth nothing that at one point in his early 20's, he unexpectedly lost his job and lived out of his car/showered at his gym for a few weeks because he didn't want to ask for help from his (loving, balanced Christian) parents. He isn't afraid of that happening again (it's legally impossible for him to up and lose his job like that again), but I think that motivated him to have a "cushion" in his finances which, again, I appreciate. He provides a beautiful little apartment for us and we spend smartly. We have budgets and we stick to them. I understand his motivations for having a safety net and don't think them out of line, though I wish he'd relax a little bit about it and let me help.
I am new to the area - and 2,000+ miles from home - after completing my bachelor's this spring, so in between looking for work locally, I am rebranding my husband's side business (yes, the guy has a for-now-inactive side business), rebuilding his/our website, making contacts, running numbers, keeping/organizing records and also doing some freelance translating of my own on the side, while maintaining our home and daily functions - cooking aside, because he is on a strict diet and enjoys doing it. So, both of us are fairly busy, though he is the only one who has
to be somewhere at a certain time. This area is foreign to both of us. He has been living here for a few years but it's culturally very different from the regions where we grew up. English is not the dominant language. We have yet to find a church where we feel theologically and interpersonally "at home," despite searching.
All of these factors (his work, not liking the area, the lack of a church foundation, no family, and the sex thing) boiled up and spilled over yesterday. When he came home, he ranted a bit about work and how much he hates the agency he's with, which was fine. Then he noticed that the trash hadn't gone out. We'd previously (a few weeks back) left it on our patio with the intention to take it out the next morning but forgot about it for a few days, so the apartment complex gave us a tidiness warning - which we were both embarrassed about. Yesterday, he was supposed to have taken it out with him when he went to work. When I got up, he hadn't done that. I put it outside with the intent to take care of it but got wrapped up in doing loads of his gym and uniform laundry, unpacking and putting together a new lounge chair that he's been waiting for for weeks so he could have it when he got home, plus some work that I had a deadline on, and just didn't get to it. When he saw it shorty after coming home, he flipped out. Accusatory language, the apartment complex is going to be furious, blah, blah. It was my fault, even though he had promised to do it. I bit my tongue and took care of it - including cleaning up the mess from the broken bag - while he showered. He noticed that I dealt with it when he got out of the shower but instead of saying, "sorry for blowing up," I got, "thanks for everything you do around here" and I just couldn't swallow my attitude from that point. Very quiet all night, though he did turn off his show when I got out of the shower I took when he was done. I decided to throw on a bra I knew he'd like and went back and forth from the bathroom shirtless a few times, "just to see," and so far as I could tell, he hardly looked up... at first.
I put on a tank top that he got me while we were dating and settled in to a plate of leftovers. He was intermittently touchy from that point, despite the silence. Like he was testing the waters, even though things were clearly tense. Erections were obvious on multiple occasions and we probably could have made amends, but I had hit my wall with the trash thing. Poor response on my part. DH: "Are you okay?" Me: "Yeah." DH:"Are you sure? You're quiet." Me:"Yeah. It goes two ways." He started the Xbox up while I wrapped up some work, but he invited to play with him multiple times. He ranted some more about work and wanting to move from the area. I asked him if he felt that he didn't have any physical energy at the end of his work day and he said that he felt like he had physical energy, he was just mentally annoyed/fed up. "I'm too tired" hasn't verbatim come up, but he falls asleep a lot - perhaps I misrepresented in other posts.
We ended up talking a little more easily shortly thereafter about other things and before I knew it, we were cuddling on this new oversized chair. He was stroking my hair, my hands were wandering around his waistline. I didn't want to push him, though, because he didn't have an erection and we'd had sex the morning before; I didn't want to unintentionally emasculate him if he was too tired/didn't want to do anything/whatever. He got up and went to bed. I cleaned the kitchen, got his coffee and lunch stuff ready and came to bed. I laid down and rolled away from him to sleep but as soon as I did, his hands were all over me. Very passionate. In a way that he hasn't been for weeks. Very intentional. Controlling, but in a gender-based, positive way. Masculine. I was really taken aback given how things have been since we've been home from our travels (2 and a half weeks now), so I was trying to talk to him about it, about how I need that kind of sex and how I need him to want
DH: "I hear you." Me: "No, really, I need this." DH: "Okay." Me: "Like, please, when you come home, if you aren't tired... please." DH: "Babe, stop talking." And it was good. Really, solidly good. And he was masculine and confident and
. A bit quick, but totally within normal ranges as far as my knowledge of men and hopes for sex go.
So, that's where we are today.
I took note of all the thoughts regarding low testosterone and other physical factors, tests. I'm not sure how he would react to such a conversation and honestly don't believe that physical factors are that much of a concern. Possibly, but I honestly believe that it's a two-fold of work being stressful and him naturally putting a lot of pressure on himself/not letting me take some of his normal, day-to-day concerns (about money and such) as his wife. I think he's still realizing that, like, I'm his WIFE. Not all the worry needs to fall on him. I'm a big girl. I'm smart and spiritually balanced and it's LITERALLY MY JOB to help and support him. Will keep thinking about the physical aspects that some of you have brought up -- THANK YOU for the information. Apologies if this was wordy. Time crunch again today, but I thought that the recent events were of note. Thank you all again for your support. TMB is suuuuuuch an awesome resource.