Wife has no desire

Low or no sex drive?
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Legolas
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Wife has no desire

Postby Legolas » Wed Jun 15, 2016 8:40 am

First some background...we will be celebrating our 36th wedding anniversary at the end of this month, and we are not unlike a lot of other couples...a huge desert when we talk about sex during the middle years of our marriage...now empty nesters...and things have improved drastically, and are still improving; DW has not been what I could ever call a 'refuser', but this is my conundrum...

Outside the bedroom, "She has no triggers"...none...and I don't use absolutes lightly. She ignores texts, won't take pictures, won't initiate (but I say this with some reservation...her initiation language is not something that really gets my attention), alcohol simply makes her sleepy, no visual triggers...no special kiss like behind the ears or nape of neck...nothing.

If I tell her that I need her, and give her time to schedule it into her day, then she is more than obliging to do so, but until she is naked and horizontal...nothing really turns her on, and even then, I could have her all lubed up, and if we get interrupted, she could get up and leave without giving it a second thought. There has only been once in our 36 years...that I know of...when she has confessed to me that she woke up interested, but didn't say anything until the end of the day...when it was too late do anything about it. Now in her defense...for the last 5 years, she has been a cook at a day care center and so she is on her feet 7.5 hrs/day; she is somewhat over weight and always has been (this does not bother me in the least, and I have told her this many times)...so because of this, I also believe that if I could get her out of her job, our sex life would be a whole better as well.

On the one hand, I feel bad even posting this message, because I really do have it so much better than so many others on this board, but on the other hand...I just know and believe that with a few little adjustments, we could also have it so much better than we do.

Thank you in advance for your feedback.
"A limit on what you will do puts a limit on what you can do". John Maxwell

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Vanna
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Re: Wife has no desire

Postby Vanna » Wed Jun 15, 2016 2:36 pm

I guess my first question would be, does she have even a remote interest in working on this, or are you basically hoping for ideas of how to awaken something in her?
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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Legolas
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Re: Wife has no desire

Postby Legolas » Thu Jun 23, 2016 9:51 am

Hey Vanna,
We have talked about it a little bit, and she is not opposed, but just doesn't think about the process at all; I also wouldn't be opposed to hearing ideas from other women about the 'odd' little triggers that get them going when they are still outside the bedroom. We were both from almost identical family backgrounds...no open discussion about sex growing up, very minimal discussion about sex from any of our parents even after we started dating; little to no PDA between her parents and only ever heard them having sex once, and only good-bye kisses between my parents and never heard them having sex. Which is to say that we really didn't have any examples to follow when we were growing up and dating. I have just heard so many other DW's saying that seeing their DH in a certain shirt, shorts, pants, etc., being touched in a 'special' place makes DW's weak in the knees and makes them automatically think about sex, etc.; alcohol making them warm and tingly in the important spots...all of those sorts of things.
Maybe some women just don't have any triggers, either visual or physical, and I am just barking up a tree...but any ideas and thoughts would be welcome...again Thx in advance.
K
"A limit on what you will do puts a limit on what you can do". John Maxwell

Unfulfilled
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Re: Wife has no desire

Postby Unfulfilled » Thu Jun 23, 2016 2:08 pm

My DW and I've read many other reports that many women get no sexual turn on by physically looking at their husband. While they look and might even admire, it generally doesn't spark a strong "got to have him now!" Sort of response. Not anything like the typical man.

My wife as far as I know and by her own admission doesn't ever even look at me. Certainly doesn't get turned on by looking at me even when getting dressed up for a wedding or something. But my DW is not sex positive so that is surely a large part of it. In fact I have found nothing and she herself has told me that "nothing" turns her on. So that leaves me with well..... Nothing

I sure hope your DW is not like mine.

Have you directly asked her what turns her on? Why guess when she can just tell you! It is possible however that she honestly does not know herself. which makes it impossible for her to tell you.

Have you read the book the five love languages?

At the very least, go out to the website and each take the "quiz " to help define each of your love languages.

People tend to marry their opposite. And we naturally try to express love to our spouse I. Our own love language. But chances are, your spouse has a different or even opposite love language. So if you are speaking different languages, of course communication will not happen. So while you think you are showing DW love, she could care less what you are doing as she feels love by another means. So giving her gifts will have little effect of she is an acts of service woman. And her giving you acts of service means little to you if you at physical touch love language. So the key is to do things that are in HER love language. Which is almost certainly NOT natural for you to do. And vice versa.


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