Please help me save my marriages sex life. (Updated...thanks for the advice so far!)

Low or no sex drive?
NeedMarriageGuidance
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Please help me save my marriages sex life. (Updated...thanks for the advice so far!)

Postby NeedMarriageGuidance » Thu May 26, 2016 6:30 pm

Edit: Thanks for all the advice, I replied to this thread with an update that is in large part due to your help!

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I want to address some issues in my bedroom and I don't know what to do. I posted this on the /r/sex section of Reddit and the only suggestions were talk about it (I have), seek sexual counseling (not really sure about this), or get a divorce (I have 2 kids and even zero sex is better than not being around them).

Edit: As an FYI no meds of any type. We waited until marriage to have sex.

First, my wife refuses to do anything other than missionary. Oral sex is a no (she thinks its gross for either person). If she is spontaneously turned on and initiates sex herself, the sex is so much better, even if its only missionary, because it feels intimate with her passionately kissing me (this has happened once in the last few years). Most of our sex is very mediocre to terrible. She says she enjoys it, but it feels more like a way to give me release than anything else. We do it a couple times a week, but feels more like checking the mark off the list.

My second problem is linked to the first. She has NEVER orgasmed with me in 8 years of marriage. She says it does not bother her because she enjoys sex without it, but I feel she would be a little more passionate if this happened. As far as I know she has only orgasmed a handful of times with toys years ago before we had kids. Considering we skip foreplay (her choice, not mine) and go straight to missionary where even a slight deviation is uncomfortable to her...I feel lost.

I love my wife and want more than anything for us to have intimacy that we both enjoy, but after this many years and her completely set in her ways, I just am not sure I have any hope at all. Missionary is so boring for me, and I truly get more enjoyment out of her enjoying sex than I do my own pleasure. I WANT her to enjoy it so badly. I also want to at least try new things.
Last edited by NeedMarriageGuidance on Tue Jun 07, 2016 9:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Please help me save my marriages sex life.

Postby SeekingChange » Thu May 26, 2016 7:22 pm

I don't know if this is hope, but it was 18 1/2 years into our marriage when our marriage bed had a huge turn around.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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NeedMarriageGuidance
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Re: Please help me save my marriages sex life.

Postby NeedMarriageGuidance » Thu May 26, 2016 11:18 pm

I just ordered a Magic Wand. I don't know if that's the right decision. The fact of the matter is I think she sees sex as something for younger and more immature people. She has used toys before we had kids (not regularly), but now, she may just laugh instead of trying to enjoy the sensation.

I figured the Magic Wand is the best way to "brute force" an orgasm (hopefully).

We started dating when we were 17, and she was very interested in sex then. When we got married at 22 I thought, after being able to have sex, it would get better. The first night we tried doggy for our first position and it hurt her so bad we went to missionary, and she has never looked back from this comfort zone. She has done WOT, but it almost does nothing for her at all. Doggy she says seems degrading to women.

At the end of the day I just want her to truly desire it. When she is actually turned on before sex, I don't even care if I have an orgasm because I know we were truly intimate.

Sigh...

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Re: Please help me save my marriages sex life.

Postby Txtwinmom » Fri May 27, 2016 9:27 am

I'm so sorry that your wife isn't enjoying sex. What is your Christian walk like?

One of the things that helped turn our MB around was a Bible study called "Intimacy Ignited" by Pintus and Dillow. It is a study of Song of Solomon. One of the many things it highlights is how much the woman in SOS pursues sex with her spouse. I think that often women get the message that sex is really just for men to enjoy, this bible study blows that myth out of the water. The advice you received about talking is good, but your DW needs to be willing to talk. If you can do this bible study together it will give you a great platform for discussion.

As to the toy. I have a Magic wand and at first is scared the [daylights] out of me because it was so powerful. I had to get a power attenuator to plug it into to turn the power down quite a bit. I recently got the Womanizer (horrible name, great device) that is amazingly gentle yet helps produce some of the most powerful Os I have ever experienced.
"Sex is not the answer, Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer!". Swami X

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Re: Please help me save my marriages sex life.

Postby C_Brown » Sat May 28, 2016 8:26 pm

What you describe is a LOT like the first 20 years of my marriage, now things are amazing. Don't go thinking that it's too late, it isn't.

A lot of women really don't get what sex means for a guy. They don't understand the emotional and biological need a husband has for sexual fulfillment. In my wife's mind she saw it like going to a movie where it's nice but putting it off to later or doing without altogether has no important consequences. My efforts to explain to her that how important it was sounded to her like I was just trying to manipulate her in a selfish way to get what I wanted. The first breakthrough was her coming to realize that my need for sexual fulfillment was a honest to goodness legitimate need. Then we had to overcome the obstacles and habits that kept sex from being enjoyable for her. When she started actually trying to learn how to enjoy sex it took a couple of years for her to learn to get the point where she could stay relaxed enough to have an orgasm, but sex became a great enjoyment for her long before then.

Your wife is cheating herself out of sexual pleasure by rushing through it and I expect if she will relax, slow down and allow you time to arouse her in foreplay that she'll enjoy it more and want it more. That's what happened with us.

To get there though you are going to teach her (and listen to her teach you), or have her read a book together that will teach you both, or go to somebody who can teach you both. I know you have talked with her, but what you say and how you say it are kind of important. What are you telling her and what is she saying in reply? Making her feel criticized probably isn't going to warm her up much.

Would she be willing to read a book on marriage intimacy together with you? The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands was one that helped my wife a lot. I think it made a bigger impact since it was written by a women, so she couldn't write it off as coming from an ulterior motive.

If you do nothing, nothing will change.
So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing -- Yvaine (in the movie Stardust)

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Re: Please help me save my marriages sex life.

Postby Learning1 » Sun May 29, 2016 6:55 am

NeedMarriageGuidance wrote: Considering we skip foreplay (her choice, not mine) and go straight to missionary where even a slight deviation is uncomfortable to her...I feel lost.


Have you had any talk at all about foreplay. I wouldn't enjoy sex at all without foreplay. How does she become aroused without foreplay ?

What if you talked to her about setting aside a special date night, that would include some sexual foreplay, how would she react ?
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis

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Re: Please help me save my marriages sex life.

Postby NeedMarriageGuidance » Tue Jun 07, 2016 9:19 pm

So...I wanted to give an update. Thanks for all the advice!

As suggested, I bought "Intimacy Ignited", but haven't looked at. At the same time I bought 31 days to great sex (or something along those lines). We are on day 5. As part of our intimacy discussions, I came to learn that she does masturbate to orgasm occasionally (no more than once per month according to her) with some toys I bought her years ago.

She is very clinical in her description of her orgasm. She basically says "it is good".

Before all of this, our sex was more me putting on lube and then doing missionary until I finished or she manually finished me. She says it feels good after we start. The last 2 times (I still cannot figure out what gets her started...thankfully it just happens) it has started with kissing that become passionate and I could tell she was becoming aroused. I then tease her with my fingers and at that point she basically "forces" me (not unwillingly lol) to go PIV. The passion our sex has when we she is aroused is so much better. I don't even care if I do not finish as part of it. For the first time ever, she even voluntarily took over leading for a bit.

Anyway, I guess I still feel inadequate somewhat as she says it feels really good...but it is distinct from her orgasms. She says there is no "build-up" like with her vibrator. She is clearly enjoying it, but we never go down the big O path (I have tried using my fingers while we are having sex as well). Tonight (even though she felt SUPER AWKWARD), she used a vibe during sex and finished herself. It still felt clinical as she felt a little embarrassed and I just could sit there and basically rub her...not actively making love.

She says truthfully that the passionate sex we have is amazing, regardless of an orgasm. Are there any other women who just feel that sex itself is amazing even if they don't finish?

At this point I feel like the path is going well. She says I have become obsessed with sex (because I am reading a lot of these sites on advice), so I do need to tone down the "discussion" outside the bedroom. I'll take it for now lol (the fact that our sex is more lovemaking is good enough for me...I hope and pray it continues). :D

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Re: Please help me save my marriages sex life. (Updated...thanks for the advice so far!)

Postby happilymarriedkate » Wed Jun 08, 2016 3:28 am

I think that you will find many DW's on here who have said/ will say that they are willing to forego an orgasm. I am. If I had to choose passionate sex vs awkward sex with an orgasm, I would absolutely choose passionate sex.

For me, sex is about the connection, the process. It is not about "a finish." For my DH- he loves the connection and process but without an orgasm, he feels- well- as though the experience isn't "complete." He is very perplexed if I tell him "I could take it (my orgasm) or leave it."

Don't get me wrong- I enjoy having one, but it is not necessary for me to have a great, intimate time. Also- when I do have one- I enjoy having one after he has had his. A lot of people here practice "she comes first" and for good reason. We do that occasionally, but my preference is after.
~HM Kate

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Re: Please help me save my marriages sex life.

Postby seeking perspective » Wed Jun 08, 2016 8:38 am

She says truthfully that the passionate sex we have is amazing, regardless of an orgasm. Are there any other women who just feel that sex itself is amazing even if they don't finish?


Although I do love a good O, lovemaking can be wonderful for me without one (as long as it isn't every time). What your wife says is true for a lot of women. Believe her.

It still felt clinical as she felt a little embarrassed and I just could sit there and basically rub her...not actively making love.


There are other things you can do while she gives herself an orgasm. You can touch yourself at the same time. You can sit behind her and hold her while she uses the vibrator. You can lightly rub her arms, kiss her, stimulate her breasts, etc. Using a vibrator doesn't have to take away from the intimacy.
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Re: Please help me save my marriages sex life. (Updated...thanks for the advice so far!)

Postby Gracekathy » Wed Jun 08, 2016 6:02 pm

Most of the time I prefer sex to be with out an orgasm for me. It takes the pressure of and makes it less of a "performance" if I dont have to worry about it.


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