Sexually selfish

Low or no sex drive?
My1975
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Sexually selfish

Postby My1975 » Sun Mar 13, 2016 12:17 am

Is withholding with the reason of no drive or desire, yet using a vibrator occasionally, generally in the midst of 'not interested' being selfish? I crave time with DW. I learned last year our past long term strained sex life (frequency) was due to taking care of herself nightly and no drive left for me. That crushed me as I struggled with not feeling wanted/desired for a long time. I'm a good looking late 30's guy, not chubby etc, and always put her first in the bedroom, I enjoy it more than the ending. She is multi-O, and generally amazing to be with. The self gratification and leaving me hanging is taken personal.

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Re: Sexually selfish

Postby Vanna » Sun Mar 13, 2016 2:09 am

Have you asked her why she feels like a vibe is preferable to intimacy with you? Has she expressed any concerns with your marriage that might hinder her desire to connect with you?
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Re: Sexually selfish

Postby SeekingChange » Sun Mar 13, 2016 6:37 am

Questions and communication are a good thing. There's more going on. The good news, she has some sexual desire, but there's a lot of work ahead to figure out and to work on your marriage. From experience, it is selfish at the root, but there's reasons behind her doing that.
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Re: Sexually selfish

Postby doug-h » Sun Mar 13, 2016 7:19 am

My1975 wrote: I learned last year our past long term strained sex life (frequency) was due to taking care of herself nightly and no drive left for me


I'm sorry you are going thru that.
That is a hard thing to have to live with, but I am going to ask you to look at it from a different viewpoint. It might be even harder to come to grips with, but I believe it might move you closer to the intimacy you are looking for.

What if her drive is to be sexual(with you) but for some reason she feels that what she needs(not nesessesarily sexually) is not available from you. There are any number of things that can create an environment where a woman feels unsafe, unloved, unwanted, unappreciated, and all of those things make it difficult to be intimately available to you. Her drive hasn't been lost, it has been refocused to a safer avenue of release.

What are you doing, outside the bedroom, to allow her to believe that you care about more than sex. I know that when I changed my habits outside the bedroom, everything changed. It takes time, trust, and a genuine willingness to serve each other. There are no guarantees, but if I had to place a wager, I would bet that she is not choosing a vibrator instead of you. My bet would be that she would prefer to be with you, but feels like she can't for some reason, but still has needs herself.

I am not saying any of this is true, or than anything is your fault, but sometimes we get so caught up in ourselves and our hurts, that we might be blinded to our spouses.

The good news is that if this is the case, it is probably easier to overcome than what you are describing.

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Re: Sexually selfish

Postby seeking perspective » Sun Mar 13, 2016 8:10 am

My1975 wrote: I learned last year our past long term strained sex life (frequency) was due to taking care of herself nightly and no drive left for me

This part stood out for me as well. Rather than your strained sex life being due to your wife's masturbation, it might be that your wife's masturbation is due to your strained intimacy. For many women, masturbation doesn't "use up" their drive. I always had a pretty strong sex drive, but due to some difficulties in our relationship (mostly, what I perceived as my husband's emotional disengagement), I avoided sex. Ask your wife what she would like to be different in your relationship, and listen to what she says.

Is it selfish on her part? Yes. But telling her she's being selfish is likely to make the situation worse, so you need to find out what is going on in her heart.
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Re: Sexually selfish

Postby My1975 » Sun Mar 13, 2016 8:46 pm

There's some good things to consider, Thank you. The strained part was due to my work schedule and not falling asleep together but seeing each other every day, it's not impossible. I was told that it just became habit of taking care of it and not feeling the need to be with me despite me trying to initiate any opportunity. I've just been kinda blown off mostly. I've been told we have amazing sex when we do, but with it itched, game off. This was apologized about with tears. We have a great relationship, I've tried to find out what else I can do/not do to increase our time together and priorities of each other . I'm just basically down on the priority list the way I see it, and get it more than most guys, so what's the problem, but weeks at a time is hard. For several years once a month was the norm.

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Re: Sexually selfish

Postby My1975 » Wed Mar 16, 2016 12:11 am

We're also basically to the point that effection of any kind is gone. Asking to to snuggle up even is met with sigh or irritation. Kissing hello / goodby/ goodnight is more miss than hit. I'm struggling with it all. Nothing else has changed in our lives, I really just feel like she loves me, but is not really in love with me anymore.I'm the father of our 2 kids, supports them all, spoil her to the point others are jealous of her. But feel kind of left out of my personal number one need and love language, affection, and intimacy. Struggling here... I've tried talking, flirting, anything and it's avoided, I really feel at this point either I medicate up to avoid serious depression, or get out. I can't just be a paycheck anymore. This trend had been continuing downward and weigh on me more and more. She has been tested and her T is zero, she did the T treatment and it was the best 6 months of our marriage, and my life. I want to fix this but she's content with just doing her thing.

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Re: Sexually selfish

Postby Vanna » Wed Mar 16, 2016 12:29 am

Why did she stop the testosterone? How old are the children? Does she have any concerns about your marriage that she has voiced?

Chances are, she sees any affection in or out of the bedroom as a lead in for sex, and so she is avoiding all physical contact because she knows where it will go. That usually means a wife has shut down for some reason- is she stressed, or depressed, are there health issues? How is communication in your marriage?
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Re: Sexually selfish

Postby Unfulfilled » Wed Mar 16, 2016 9:13 am

Question:

Why is it that when a wife is masturbating with a vibratory, and getting herself satisfied not a big problem with her, but is viewed as something wrong with the marriage. Yet when the husband is maturbating with porn he is immediately accused of denying his wife and is in major sin?

Why the double standard?

Often time right or wrong the porn user husband states that he basically has to reduce himself to porn to meet his needs and not "cheat" on his wife. Yet the wives in this situation almost unanimously agree that the porn IS cheating.

But when the OP of this thread has his wife cheating on him, the thrust is not against the aim of the wife, but rather that it is HIS duty to look at the relationship problem. Yet with. Porn using husband the issue is not on the relationship problem that resulted in his turning to porn. It is all again on his sin?

This is not the first time I have seen this scenario play out on various threads.

Be 100% sure I am. It trying to "justify" porn use by men. I just curious why similar situations are dealt with and responded to dramatically differently between the male and the female scenarios.

In either case, the one spouse IS denying the right of the other spouse. And in both situations it is sin and the sinner is ultimately responsible for their own action.

I just do. It like the idea when it is the husbands porn use the sin is directly and correctly pointed at the husband. But when the wife is using a vibratory and denying her husband, the conversation goes entirely away from her sin and is instead directed back at the husband and what he is doing in the relationship to cause her to fall to the vibrator.

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Re: Sexually selfish

Postby Hiswifeagain » Wed Mar 16, 2016 9:24 am

I think we are directing comments at TMB to the spouse that is present on the forum. One difference there is porn introduces a third-party into the marriage bed


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Re: Sexually selfish

Postby OldMarriedLady » Wed Mar 16, 2016 9:26 am

Porn is the sin, not masturbating. There has been no indication in this thread that the wife is using porn.
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Re: Sexually selfish

Postby Nvr2Late » Wed Mar 16, 2016 9:28 am

Tagging unfulfilled's comments, my thought was: has porn use been ruled out? Women do that too. The symptoms sound very familiar.
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Re: Sexually selfish

Postby God's Geek » Wed Mar 16, 2016 9:36 am

No, masturbation is NOT a sin, but as we advise to many men who MB (or to their wives), the spouse SHOULD have the right of first refusal. In other words... "It's ok for you to masturbate if 'I' am unavailable or unable to participate within a reasonable amount of time."

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Re: Sexually selfish

Postby Leah » Wed Mar 16, 2016 10:16 am

Unfulfilled wrote:Question:

Why is it that when a wife is masturbating with a vibratory, and getting herself satisfied not a big problem with her, but is viewed as something wrong with the marriage. Yet when the husband is maturbating with porn he is immediately accused of denying his wife and is in major sin?

Why the double standard?


I do not think anyone should deny a spouse the marital right of first refusal. Intimacy is intimacy. The Bible commands it. I don't really care about the nuances of how that plays out in individual relationships, but I think there is a biblical bottom line to be met.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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Re: Sexually selfish

Postby Unfulfilled » Wed Mar 16, 2016 10:31 am

^^^
And the OP has definitely stated that she is masturbating without his consent and IS available. And THAT IS the issue. Therefore he masturbation is a sin because of the denial of that right of her husband.

And some might argue that a vibrator that is acting as a substitute or a "stand in" if you will for her husband Is very similar as if it was another mans penis. One could argue that if the toy is used as part of the mutual decision of BOTH parties, that it is not introducing someone, or something else into TMB. But when she is using this 3rd party device instead of and without her husbands consent AND in lieu of her husband. It is tantamount to having a 3rd party involved.

She is "cheating" on him every bit as much as a husband using porn. In both cases the sinning spouse is using a substitute for what is supposed to be provided by their spouse! The fact that one item is a physical vibrating object versus a visual picture or video is completely irrelevant!

Also some religions DO teach as part of church doctrine that masturbation in and of itself is a sin. I'm not going to make judgement whether I agree that this view is correct or not, I'm just pointing out the statement that masturbarion definitively NOT being a sin is not universally accepted as a fact.

My overall point is that any spouse who goes off by themselves and masturbates and then denies their spouse the congugal right is sinning. Never her it is to porn or via the use of a vibrator. The sin is not the act of masturbation itself, or the "device " used. But rather the act of denial and the substitution of that other thing in place of their spouse. the cheating is still the same.

To say that if the husband instead of using porn was instead using some other physical mastabatory device and denies his wife that would be "ok" is absurd. He would still be winning if he were to be denying his wife the sexual act. This is Equally true for the wife who is using a vibrator.

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Re: Sexually selfish

Postby Hiswifeagain » Wed Mar 16, 2016 10:36 am

Nobody said anything even remotely like it's OK. Denying your spouse sex is a sin. We all agree on that.I rather doubt that she's masturbating thinking about her husband given the rest of what he said but if she was then the device isn't the issue it's the refusal that's the issue.
Porn is most certainly lusting after someone else and that is sin


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Re: Sexually selfish

Postby SeekingChange » Wed Mar 16, 2016 10:37 am

I believe many of us said she was being selfish, which points to sin. Several of us have actually been where his wife is, that's why we are saying there's something more. If he wants a truly healed marriage he will have to go beyond just the fact his wife is being selfish. And for me, I would say the same about a husband and porn.
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Re: Sexually selfish

Postby Leah » Wed Mar 16, 2016 10:54 am

SeekingChange wrote:And for me, I would say the same about a husband and porn.


I agree. Once I got some help, it became clear that while his porn use was not my fault, I had to learn some new ways to respond.
Leah

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Re: Sexually selfish

Postby suffolk sinner » Wed Mar 16, 2016 1:50 pm

OldMarriedLady wrote:Porn is the sin, not masturbating. There has been no indication in this thread that the wife is using porn.


Refusal to have sex with your spouse is sin. Is that being conveyed in this thread? Or is the husband being told to reexamine the relationship to see where he's falling down? I don't think wives who are hurt by their husbands' porn are given this advice.

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Re: Sexually selfish

Postby My1975 » Wed Mar 16, 2016 2:10 pm

Wow. Some great comments. I have in the past watched some online stuff, usually as an alternative to the lack of intimacy. Since becoming dedicated Christians guilt and comment/discussion with DW regarding it have def sealed the fate of it, which gets me, that her denial, and any use of vibe is ok. I learned of my replacement at a Christian married conference but let it go as we were on the right path, but recently looking for something found it in her nightstand, and couldn't help but 'check up' on its location and battery condition to learn it gets used. The thought of writing a nice letter attached to it came to mind, perhaps reminding of our devotion to 'each other'. Again, we see each other everyday, I'm rarely out of town. Denial and replacement is intentional. The T treatment was stopped to get back to natural. Any conversation of it leads to I'm not doing T again just to satisfy you, angrily. The T is not just sex drive, but overall balance of all hormones. What an amazing difference overall on it. Practically begging once for some time together I got a shoulder shrug "not my problem"


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