Feeling like an object

Low or no sex drive?
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Job29Man
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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby Job29Man » Mon Mar 14, 2016 6:17 am

little_sparrow wrote:I realize some people probably think I am making excuses, but I like to think practically, and I realize that suggestions that go against our parenting decisions won't work.


Little Sparrow,

What is the guiding influence in your parenting decisions? Is it how you were each raised? Or is there a certain book you have read and are following? Or perhaps some class you've attended or a person advising you?
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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby little_sparrow » Mon Mar 14, 2016 7:24 am

Job29Man wrote:What is the guiding influence in your parenting decisions? Is it how you were each raised? Or is there a certain book you have read and are following? Or perhaps some class you've attended or a person advising you?

In addition to the Bible, of course, the only influence is what we believe I best for her for in each decision. Not how we were raised, no books, no classes, and not based on any one person or group's opinion.

What I meant by the suggestions that go against our decisions not working is that if something is suggested that goes against a decision we have made, while I will appreciate the input, it's not a decision that is going to work for us because we aren't willing to compromise our decisions based on what other people want.

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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby mamame » Mon Mar 14, 2016 7:25 am

I can tell you that I am an AP mom all the way. Your baby is 2 months old right? That's like the hardest time. You will see things start to change.

I need some clarification. Earlier you said you find his touch repulsive. But now you seem to be back pedaling. This is not one of those situations where you can fake it till you make it. You need to be honest with yourself about your feelings.

You have valid concerns. Don't dismiss them.

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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby little_sparrow » Mon Mar 14, 2016 7:41 am

mamame wrote:I need some clarification. Earlier you said you find his touch repulsive. But now you seem to be back pedaling. This is not one of those situations where you can fake it till you make it. You need to be honest with yourself about your feelings.

I still don't like being touched. While I had a very high drive before, now I have none, and so I have found any touch leading to or related to sex unpleasant. However, the reason I'm trying to find a time to make it work is because I know I need to for him.

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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Mar 14, 2016 7:48 am

little_sparrow wrote:I still don't like being toiched like I used to. While I had a very high drive before, now I have none, and so I have found any touch leading to or related to sex unpleasant. However, the reason I'm trying to find a time to fit it in is because I know I need to for him. That doesn't mean I want it, though.

I believe there are three parts to take into consideration with "need". It's not just "his" and "hers", the third is "ours", the "one"....the oneness of a marriage needs it. You may personally not need it physically. And if you just do it for his need, that can easily lead down a path of resentment, but when you realize your marriage needs it and the "one" needs it, you are half of that "one" so there is a need, even if it's not physical for you. You will get benefits from filling that need.
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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby mamame » Mon Mar 14, 2016 8:00 am

Can you find 10 minutes to give him oral or manual sex?

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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby little_sparrow » Mon Mar 14, 2016 8:06 am

mamame wrote:Can you find 10 minutes to give him oral or manual sex?

I have done that a few times since she was born, but I didn't include that because I was viewing sex as intercourse.

Even though I knew I was doing it for him, I still felt like an object. I realize that doesn't matter, though.

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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby Leah » Mon Mar 14, 2016 9:31 am

Hon, your feelsings stem from your attitude. If you and husband are not on the same page about other things, it would affect how you see yourself in the relationship.
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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby seeking perspective » Mon Mar 14, 2016 9:41 am

You've gotten some suggestions for what you asked--and remember that things that don't seem like they would work now might work really well in a month or two or three.

Meanwhile, your hurting heart needs your attention. What are you going to do take a step toward healing?
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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby little_sparrow » Mon Mar 14, 2016 10:08 am

Leah wrote:Hon, your feelsings stem from your attitude. If you and husband are not on the same page about other things, it would affect how you see yourself in the relationship.

I realize that.

seeking perspective wrote:You've gotten some suggestions for what you asked--and remember that things that don't seem like they would work now might work really well in a month or two or three.

I know I got suggestions, and after I got one that wouldn't force us to go against any decisions that are very important to us, I don't expect anymore.

seeking perspective wrote:What are you going to do take a step toward healing?

I don't know.

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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby mamame » Tue Mar 15, 2016 7:14 am

little_sparrow wrote:Even though I knew I was doing it for him, I still felt like an object. I realize that doesn't matter, though.


huh? What doesn't matter?

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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby Leah » Tue Mar 15, 2016 7:48 am

LS, you act like you are somehow separate from your feelings, and that you have no control over how you feel. Whatever else happens, I want you to find a way to get past the feelings and attitudes that are tripping you up.
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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby little_sparrow » Tue Mar 15, 2016 11:33 pm

mamame wrote:
little_sparrow wrote:Even though I knew I was doing it for him, I still felt like an object. I realize that doesn't matter, though.


huh? What doesn't matter?

That I still feel like an object

Leah wrote:LS, you act like you are somehow separate from your feelings, and that you have no control over how you feel. Whatever else happens, I want you to find a way to get past the feelings and attitudes that are tripping you up.

Perhaps instead of saying I feel hurt or unable to trust him I ought to say I am hurt, etc.?

I mentioned counseling again, and he still doesn't want to try to find a counselor. He feels it's not necessary. He doesn't think it's necessary for me, either, and doesn't want to spend the money for it.

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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby Job29Man » Wed Mar 16, 2016 5:17 am

little_sparrow wrote:...All of that said, I'm still not exactly sure what my questions are...
Have you figured out what your questions are yet? How can we help you?
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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby Hiswifeagain » Wed Mar 16, 2016 5:55 am

LS, he told you with words that he won't go to counseling and that you shouldn't either? What did you say in response?


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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby Leah » Wed Mar 16, 2016 10:19 am

little_sparrow wrote:
Leah wrote:LS, you act like you are somehow separate from your feelings, and that you have no control over how you feel. Whatever else happens, I want you to find a way to get past the feelings and attitudes that are tripping you up.

Perhaps instead of saying I feel hurt or unable to trust him I ought to say I am hurt, etc.?


No. I'm saying that when you say you feel like an object, you need to own and address your own feelings and attitudes.
Leah

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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby little_sparrow » Mon Mar 28, 2016 9:14 pm

Job29Man wrote:Have you figured out what your questions are yet? How can we help you?

Since I already asked some of them, I'm not sure at this point. The place I'm at now is regretting that we ever were married in the first place, and I am frustrated with myself for making that mistake. I am extremely thankful for our daughter, and she is the only reason I even want to be with him at all. (Well, besides the fact I know that I don't have a choice other than staying with him.) I can't let myself get close to him because that's the only way to protect myself emotionally. I feel like I need to fake it for her sake, although I know that's not right.

Hiswifeagain wrote:LS, he told you with words that he won't go to counseling and that you shouldn't either? What did you say in response?

Yes; I said that I thought it would be helpful.

Leah wrote:No. I'm saying that when you say you feel like an object, you need to own and address your own feelings and attitudes.

I must not understand what you mean.

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He acts more like a Muslim than a Christian

Postby Job29Man » Tue Mar 29, 2016 3:54 am

little_sparrow wrote:...I am extremely thankful for our daughter, and she is the only reason I even want to be with him at all. (Well, besides the fact I know that I don't have a choice other than staying with him.) I can't let myself get close to him because that's the only way to protect myself emotionally. I feel like I need to fake it for her sake, although I know that's not right.


Personally I think he needs to know this. I'm guessing he TOTALLY doesn't comprehend that you are just going through the motions. I think he needs to hear from you, probably every 6 months so that it never goes away from his consciousness. If you feel something like these words below, IMHO he needs to know it.

"Husband, the only reason I'm still with you is because of our daughter. I don't feel attracted to you because of how you emotionally abuse me. If I hadn't made a commitment before God I would have already left you forever. You are not doing a good job as a husband. You are not living with your wife in an understanding way as the Bible commands. You STILL have only put window dressing on change. For example I STILL don't have true access to the financial accounts which tells me you don't trust me and you want to control me like your property. My name is on one account, but it's all a lie because you don't give me a debit card and the bank is 50 miles away. Your parents are still on the other account which tells me you never really left your Mommy and Daddy and cleaved to your wife. You are disobedient to the Bible that way. You still tell me I'm imagining things. You still are disobedient to Jesus by your extreme level of pride in not being willing to sincerely attend counseling with me. I'm going through the motions for you. I'm faking it. I feel like an empty shell, not like a happily married woman. You talk like a Christian but you act like a Muslim who treats his wife like property."
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Feeling like an object

Postby Hiswifeagain » Tue Mar 29, 2016 4:42 am

Job, I don't think your words will be helpful if he's as unteachable as it appears. I agree that she can share how she feels, but listing all the ways he's being disobedient will not likely help coming from her. Her father stands a better chance getting through to him, man to man, IMO.

LS, perhaps a more lengthy separation until he agrees to counseling would carry more impact.


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Last edited by Hiswifeagain on Tue Mar 29, 2016 5:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby little_sparrow » Tue Mar 29, 2016 10:42 am

Job29Man wrote:I'm guessing he TOTALLY doesn't comprehend that you are just going through the motions.

I've mentioned it, and he definitely knows. One of the things I mentioned is that I can't trust him, and he has said that I should give him chances to trust him. He doesn't understand that just because he does good things and makes good choices sometimes, those things don't override the things he is doing that make me unable to trust him.

One example is that I have wanted to cut off his abusive step-dad (and enabling MIL) and not let them around our daughter. (There were many details about that situation in past threads of mine.) Although he doesn't see them or talk to them that often, my husband doesn't think it's right to cut them off completely right now despite the things that have gone on for years with them. He believes it's unforgiving, but it's not a matter of forgiveness; they can be forgiven, but if they are unhealthy people for our daughter to be around, it's our job to protect her from them. He claims that if that's the case, by my logic she shouldn't be around my parents since they've been divorced for years because would be a bad example. It's not a matter of my SFIL and MIL being bad examples, but him being abusive and her enabling that behavior.

Hiswifeagain wrote:LS, perhaps a more lengthy separation until he agrees to counseling would carry more impact.

I realize that's what I should have done before, but since I didn't, I lost that chance.


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