Feeling like an object

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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby Job29Man » Tue Mar 29, 2016 11:14 am

What if you wrote him a list of your grievances and said "These are the things that make me not trust you. Correct these things and we will be making progress."

I know it frustrating when someone comes up with false "equivalencies" like "Your parents are divorced = bad example. That's the same as my parents are married and abusive. It's all equal." The problem with that logic of course is that it disregards the whole concept of repentance and renewal. If your parents made a mistake in the past it can be forgiven especially after a life-changing repentance. A divorce is a one time deal. It is not renewed every day. In that sense it has ceased to be.

But have his parents made a life-changing repentance of their abusive situation? It is renewed every week. So it has not ceased to be.
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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby Hiswifeagain » Wed Mar 30, 2016 7:28 am

little_sparrow wrote:
Hiswifeagain wrote:LS, perhaps a more lengthy separation until he agrees to counseling would carry more impact.

I realize that's what I should have done before, but since I didn't, I lost that chance.

I don't follow you at all here. How so? I understand it would be more difficult than last time, but not impossible.
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby little_sparrow » Wed Mar 30, 2016 8:29 pm

Hiswifeagain wrote:I don't follow you at all here. How so? I understand it would be more difficult than last time, but not impossible.

I don't think my parents would let me stay there during a separation this time.

Unfortunately I'm at the point now where the only reason I am staying with him is for our daughter. Other than her being born as a result, marrying him is one of my biggest regrets. I have had to make myself not care about things in our relationship for so long in order to avoid getting hurt that the new reality is that I really don't care anymore. I willing to stay in the relationship for our daughter, and I am willing to live on good terms with him, but that's about as far as it goes right now. He says that he wants our relationship to be fixed, but I don't see that happening when I can't put my many walls down that I have put up over time due to his past (and some present) behavior. I think that counseling might possibly be helpful, but then again, it could just make things worse, too. Either way, he is against it, so I suppose it doesn't matter.

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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby Hiswifeagain » Thu Mar 31, 2016 4:27 am

Your parents aren't the only possibility. There are shelters for abused women all over the country. If your dad recognizes you are abused, why would he turn you away?

If you aren't willing to find a way to get out, you owe it to everyone in your family to stop dwelling in the negative and start looking at what is right, true, noble, lovely, admirable and praiseworthy.

The more you focus on how much you regret your marriage the more your resentment will grow. You are working on a root of bitterness that will harm you and your child. The antidote for blame is responsibility.

Google Facebook, Strength and Dignity Course. You might find the exercises there and the interaction with other women helpful. It's a closed group, but you can ask to join. If you have trouble PM and I'll send you a link or something.

I know this post may appear unsympathetic. I have empathy for you and your situation. It is very hard to accept responsibility for our choices in life sometimes, but until we do, we continue as victims to other people's choices.

May God bless you in this journey, Little Sparrow.


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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby little_sparrow » Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:59 am

Hiswifeagain wrote:I know this post may appear unsympathetic.

I didn't take it that way at all, and since I realize that I'm probably the one in the wrong more than my husband at this point, I wasn't wanting sympathy. I appreciate your post.

Hiswifeagain wrote:If your dad recognizes you are abused, why would he turn you away?

If you aren't willing to find a way to get out....

I should have prolonged the previous separation until counseling took place, but because I didn't, I lost that chance. Because of the state things are in now, another separation wouldn't make sense.

During the first 2.5+ years of our marriage, I lived with emotional abuse and was in deep pain more often than not. Our marriage was in a terrible state. Eventually I turned to not caring about the things that hurt me because that was the only way to deal with the pain without someone there to protect me. I felt so alone, and I thought that giving up caring was the only way to protect myself.

When I became pregnant, I realized that I had to do something [the separation] to give my husband a wake up call because it was suddenly my job to protect the baby growing inside of me, even if that meant leaving him.

When he finally came around after several months and started realizing some of the things he had been doing, I was so glad. I hated the fact that I was alone in the pregnancy just as I had been alone most of our marriage even when we were physically together. Because of not wanting to be alone for anymore of the pregnancy, I foolishly and prematurely ended the separation before any counseling had taken place.

At this point, my husband truly has made many changes, and I do believe that he does understand a lot of what he previously didn't about the situation, but there are undoubtedly things he still doesn't understand, That is why I believe counseling would likely be helpful. However, as I mentioned above, I don't believe that a separation would make sense now since it's more about me just not trusting him than abuse like before.

For so long I learned that I couldn't trust him to protect me, couldn't trust him to not use things I said against me, couldn't trust him to keep me safe, and couldn't trust him not to hurt me. I put walls up in order to protect myself because there was no one else to protect me. Now that he's made changes, the truth is that I am still afraid to let down those walls. I am afraid of what will happen if I start to trust him again because almost all I have known is him hurting me when I allow that vulnerability. I want to believe that he won't, but I'm too scared to open up and take that chance. I don't want to be hurt deeply again like I was for so long, but I realize that by failing to open up, I am the one hurting our relationship currently.

I am afraid to trust him emotionally, which leads to me channeling that fear into anger if I feel threatened by him in the slightest way, even if he doesn't mean what he says the way I take it. Because I'm afraid to trust him emotionally, I can't open up to him physically, which is hurting our marriage as well. We've only had sex once since our baby was born. I know how much he wants it, but yet he hasn't initiated it because I told him more than once how much I didn't want it. (Not in a refusing way, but just being completely honest during a regular conversation.) When he realized that, he told me that we didn't need to do anything physical because he didn't want to make me do something I didn't want to do. I am sure he is hurt by that because I remember being hurt when he didn't ever want it before.

I know he is also deeply hurt by my distrust for him. He has said that he really wants our marriage to be wonderful, and he wants me to be able to trust him. He has tried to show love for me by helping me do things around the house, but I always default back to angry suspicion that he is doing those things just so he can have ammo to use against me later, even when he assures me that it isn't the case. I am just so used to that being the pattern before that I have a hard time seeing past that.

Recently I told him that the only reason I don't fully regret marrying him is because that would mean I wouldn't have our daughter. During the time we met, I was in high school, and I was in a time of my life where I was changing who I was without realizing it in order to please people. I was so wrapped up in trying to be someone I wasn't that I am afraid my husband was attracted to the fake me instead of the real me. I don't think he would have initiated our relationship had I not been living as a different person. (For an example of what I mean, I was trying to immitate the extremely conservative Christians in circles around me. I suddenly became super judgemental towards things like non-traditional Christian clothing standards, music, and other "standards" and felt like I had to adhere to those "stricter standards." It's not that the way I was living before was wrong; it was still what a lot of people probably consider conservative, but certainly not extremely conservative. If anything, the person I was trying to be and the way I was trying to live was wrong because I adopted a very judgemental attitude and heart without realizing it. I don't know if I'm being completely clear with that or not.) Anyway, during that conversation my husband said that we once had something real and good in the beginning of our relationship, and he wanted that again. I told him that since I wasn't truly myself when we met, got engaged, and got married, I really didn't feel that the "good" had been real. If I had been myself instead of trying to change myself when we met, I don't think I would have been with him.

As I mentioned before, part of why I don't trust him is because I don't feel safe around his family or like they are healthy people for our daughter to be around. His step-dad has been abusive for years and his mom has continued to enable it. My husband has said that he doesn't want to cut them off yet because he wants to give his step-dad one more chance before we would do anything like that. I just don't feel right letting my daughter around someone who literally threatened children's lives nor the mother that passively stood by him as it happened. It's not a matter of being unforgiving; I believe you can still forgive someone, yet, for the safety of your children, not be around them.

I just am so lost. I know our marriage will never be where God wants it to be until I open up to my husband again, but I am too scared to. I don't want to be hurt and alone again. I don't want to feel unprotected again, and I view myself opening up to him as leaving myself unprotected and vulnerable to the possibility of him hurting me again. I also constantly live under the frustration of knowing our daughter is allowed to be around my husband's unhealthy, abusive family members and will likely be fed lies by them. I also realize that our marriage has never exactly been healthy itself, and I don't want her to negatively be affected by that either. The thing is that I likely wouldn't have been in this marriage in the first place had I not been trying to change who I was, and I don't know how to move past that. The whole situation is just full of horrible brokenness and frustration.

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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby Unfulfilled » Thu Mar 31, 2016 10:58 am

I see two things going on.

1) I see a conditional disconnect on your husbands part. He has made significant changes. And he says he wants the marriage to improve. Yet he has for some reason set an arbitrary condition to that statement in that if counseling is what is required to achieve that improvement it is off limits! That doesn't make a lot of sense.

2) you seem to be self analyzing fairly well. The basis seems that you faked your way into the marriage by being "someone else" besides your true self. But you then come to what may be an improper conclusion, that because of this, you are not worthy of working out the marriage and your "punishment" is to remain in the marriage for your daughter.

I think BOTH you and your husband are different people today than you were back then for different reasons. So what is to say that the people each of you are today and can become in the future cannot be happy together?

It seems your husband must come to the difficult conclusion that in order for the marriage to become better to meet your needs, counseling is REQUIRED. And you must change your outlook that you are unworthy and "destined" to be miserable.

Neither one of those are easy obstacles to get over. But they are not insurmountable.

I may be way off base here. But it appears to me, both of you are holding stubbornly to a position that prevents the very thing that it appears both of you want.

If you both REALLY want to heal the marriage. NGOs both have to give up on what is being held as sacrid. He has to agree to counseling, and you have to be open to the chance to trust him.

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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby Hiswifeagain » Thu Mar 31, 2016 11:34 am

Did you check out that Facebook group I mentioned. I really think it could help you. You need work on boundaries and that's a big part of that course. I would encourage you to insist on counseling for yourself whether he likes it or not. You need better tools in your tool box to navigate these difficult times in your marriage. Don't allow any excuses for either your dh or yourself for getting help. It's there if you look diligently. :)


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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby little_sparrow » Sat Apr 30, 2016 11:27 pm

I feel so lost.

I really didn't think it would, but my husband's past [negative] behavior has really started to reappear. I am really, really regretting my foolishness of ending our separation last year prematurely, and I feel so lost and confused as to what I am supposed to do now at this point.

I received so much helpful advice on here before when I was going through it, and I failed to follow all of it closely for different reasons, including fear and a false belief that things would just resolve themselves. Now that things are beginning to regress to how they were and this time my baby girl is directly affected by it, I am now seeing and accepting the importance of needing to be willing to do whatever it takes to ensure I protect her like I'm supposed to. I'm just not sure what that would look like at this point.

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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby Alistair » Sun May 01, 2016 4:26 am

Little Sparrow

Other people have given much more wise advice than me here but my 2 cents worth is...

I followed and prayed for you regularly last time you posted regularly and I was stunned at how quickly you wised up how articulate you are and how effective some of the strategies you implemented were, even if only for a short time.

I have seen a lot of growth in you over this journey, you aren't "lost" you are on a journey where you have been making real progress and there is no reason you are not able to implement the learnings you have made in the last cycle and use them more effectively this time around to see permanent change of either the freedom of a divorce or what I many others around the world are praying for a husband that you respect love and yes like!

Hang in ask some direct questions of us and see what replies come back from my recollections Job29 had some excellent advice that might be able to step by step you through this.

Life is about "action reflection" you can't learn how to be excellent at implementing a therapeutic separation when you are a young girl who has never done it before!

pat your self on the back dry the tears and prayerfully discern what God wants of you today

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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby Hiswifeagain » Sun May 01, 2016 6:15 am

LS,
It seems you're backing your husband into a corner with this issue about cutting off his parents. That would be a difficult situation for anyone to deal with. You have acknowledged you hardly ever see them anyway and that you will not leave your daughter unattended with them, so where is the threat that is so dire that it requires such drastic measures. I may be wrong, but it seems you're letting your fear run the show.

Of course your husband needs to grow more, but it seems he's not the only one. How are you being a help meet to your husband? You want him to do what you think is best and he's not. You're trying to drag him kicking and screaming to do what you want because you're a mother and therefore you know best. Please don't forget your husband is her father. Do you believe that your husband doesn't love your daughter and want what's best for her? Or do you not trust him and therefore you want to control all aspects of your daughter's life. That's not God's plan for marriage. Do you trust God to protect you and your daughter?

You saw enough in this man to marry him. Stop fighting him and start supporting him and see how he becomes the godly man you thought you were marrying. God does change people. Prayer is effective. Don't assume things won't change.
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby HisLadybug » Sun May 01, 2016 2:43 pm

Little sparrow,

I have been watching this thread and I don't have much to say that others haven't. I disagree with HWA pretty strongly about whether or not your husband has his child's best interest at heart. From everything that you posted it seems that he hasn't taken much very seriously and is still continuing to let his stepdad have influence over him. He has not cleaved to you in the way that he should. It seems to me that he is more into pleasing his stepdad and fearing him than he is into pleasing you and making you feel safe in the marriage. Your father-in-law's behavior does concern me, but what concerns me more is that you say your husband is falling back into his emotionally and verbally abusive ways of you. He also appears to be unteachable. I don't agree that you should allow your daughter to be exposed to toxicity and then just trust that everything will be all right. The mama bear instinct you feel to protect your daughter is absolutely biological. It is God-given. I am not saying that moms can't go overboard sometimes on protectiveness, but I think that is often balanced by the dad. But it seems in your husband's case he doesn't even see the destructive behavior for what it is, so how can he protect your daughter from it?

Cutting off your husband's destructive family would be a big step. However he is still seems closely tied to them. It seems to me that it might work to not cut them off and just make your visits brief, that is if your husband it was not an abusive person. But like you say, if he is reverting back to his old ways then cutting off his family wouldn't really do much.

I know you feel very stuck, but I will be praying for you that the Lord will show you the best way, and the place of most peace and safety for you and your daughter.
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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby HisLadybug » Sun May 01, 2016 5:38 pm

Are you guys in a church? Do you know the people?
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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby little_sparrow » Fri May 06, 2016 10:20 pm

HisLadybug wrote:Are you guys in a church? Do you know the people?

Yes, we are in a church; no, we don't really know anyone there yet.

Here's where things stand: In short, his old behavior is starting to show up again, and when I confronted him on it, he minimalized, denied, and blame-shifted like he used to.

He is starting to very, very slowly project emotionally abusive behavior towards our baby. (For example, sometimes when she is crying, he tells her that she is being bad and needs to stop crying because it's not helping anything. She is 4 months old. Sometimes he says that if she is not hungry and has a clean diaper, she shouldn't cry. When I tell him that 4-month-olds cry for more reasons than those two, he just says that the crying isn't necessary since it isn't helping anything. It seriously blows my mind that anyone could think that way since crying is the only way babies have to communicate all of their needs, including communicating that they are in pain.)

I brought up counseling (both individual and as a couple), and he angrily said that he would go, but if the counselor disagreed with him, he was just going to throw how wrong he/she was in his/her face until he/she "got it." I'm not sure if it would even be worth going due to that. He also views it as a huge waste of money, and points that out anytime I bring it up.

At this point, he doesn't see anything wrong with anything that he is doing, including the abusive behavior that is creeping back in. He clearly doesn't want to go to counseling in order to actually work on anything since he plans to "throw it in the counselor's face" if he/she is "wrong." I feel so emotionally drained and ensnared by him, and to be honest, I have no desire to be with him at all anymore. If it wasn't for our baby, I would have left. I want to always be there to protect her against him and his family.

Now I'm very seriously trying to decide if it would be better for her overall and in the long run if I left him. The biggest hang up is that I wouldn't be there to protect her when she's with him. However, I don't want her to grow up thinking that it's normal behavior for a husband/father to treat his wife/daughter like that.

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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby Job29Man » Sat May 07, 2016 7:26 am

Are you nursing the baby?
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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby belovedalways » Sat May 07, 2016 10:46 am

Little Sparrow,

You've been on my heart for a while. I would like to speak to you as I would my daughter. I've followed your threads from both last year and lately. You've been given mostly pretty sound advice. Some you've followed and some you haven't. You do have some serious trials outside of your family of three, but there's a couple things I'd like you to consider in all of this. First, do you believe that God has a plan for your marriage, and each of your lives? As a Christian, I know you know the answer is yes. Do you also realize that Satan also has a plan for your marriage and the 3 of you? Pretty sure you realize that the answer again is yes. Now, which one are you actively working towards? You really need to think about this.

As in all struggles, the only one you can control is you. You seem to be worrying. About EVERYTHING. Things you've seen. Things you've heard. Things that happened in your husband's past. Things that might happen in the future. Things that your FIL or your husband might do. This kind of worry is actually sinful. You're trying to control everything so that bad things won't happen any more. You're trying to justify leaving your spouse. Do you really feel led of God to do this or could you consider that you are fearful compounded by postpartum changes and nursing?

I'm not saying that you shouldn't be wise in your choices because you do have knowledge. I am saying that you should not let this worry that you have cause you to make foolish choices. You chose to leave your dh last year. You chose to have boundaries and milestones for the two of you. You also chose to let him back into your life. You had knowledge for all of those choices, but fear was also a part of all of those choices. You were afraid of the dysfunctionality of his family, you were afraid your dh wouldn't change/grow up/do the right things,& you were afraid of cutting your husband out of your daughter's life.

You are continually bring up leaving him. I think it would benefit you greatly to STOP thinking about leaving your husband because of your fear of the future. You call yourself little sparrow. I assume because God cares for every sparrow that falls so how much more does He care for you, right? Well, how much more DOES He care for you? Do you trust God to give you patience and do you trust in Him to work this marriage out? You CHOSE to let your dh come back knowing his family history and how it worked. You had to know that it would involve your child at some point. I think HWA is correct. Use your instincts, but allow the 'family' to see the child with you present, in whatever circumstances you feel are best. Be wise and tenderhearted. Be Christlike-protect your child, but honor DH's parents because that is the right thing to do. At this point, you have no reason to cut off his parents from the grandchild. Nothing has happened. Whatever reasons FIL had for his sinful actions, parenting is different than grandparenting and you will be there to stop any verbal abuse should it happen. If it does, THEN you can rethink cutting them off.

Dear girl, it seems likely that you have said or implied to your husband that you think he's going to be just like his abuser. You're afraid of that. I do understand, but what are you doing to help him NOT go that direction? You're supposed to be the one that loves him more than anybody and you've said or implied this very hurtful and offensive thing to him. I doubt very much that he wishes to be like his stepdad but sadly, we have strong tendencies to live what we learn and we tend to default to that when we're under pressure, especially if we are immature or non-Christians. How are you helping him? Does he think that you believe in him? That you want the best for him? That you'll do what it takes to help him be the best parent and husband he can be? He's the more immature of the two of you, so be mature. Not fearful. Be wise with your words. Kind, understanding, & wise. Dig yourself into Scripture and stay there. Give yourself verses to memorize and keep before your eyes. Don't automatically think that you should run away or quit. Nothing dangerous is happening so you have an opportunity to grow in grace, which is what life is all about and you already made the choice to try again.

Scripture says that as a Christian wife, you are to live with an unbelieving spouse so that your gentle spirit may win him to the Lord. (not saying your dh is an unbeliever, but he certainly acts like either an unbeliever or an infant Christian-so I feel this may be applied to the situation) Do you see yourself with a gentle spirit towards him? I realize he's broken your trust, but he has also made some positive forward movements. Changing takes time and it helps if there is encouragement. We only have what you say here, but I'm wondering how much fearful talking and actions are being directed at your man. I'm wondering if some of his responses to you and your child aren't a result of how you act or speak to him. It doesn't make his responses right, but even a stiff necked, rebellious man doesn't need to hear or think that his wife assumes the worst of him. For anyone trapped in sin, that's incredibly discouraging and it will most certainly slow down or stop any progress in changing.

I am truly sorry that you are in this struggle. Know that you are being prayed for.
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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby HisLadybug » Sat May 07, 2016 11:22 am

little sparrow wrote:Yes, we are in a church; no, we don't really know anyone there yet.


Can you make it your mission to start getting to know some of the women? Is there a mom's group or bible study or some kind of venue for you to begin meeting people? It's very important that you not allow yourself to become isolated, both as a new mom and as a woman married to an emotional abuser.

Can you both join a couple's bible study? If I were you I would throw myself into getting plugged in at this church, if it's a good one.

little sparrow wrote:Sometimes he says that if she is not hungry and has a clean diaper, she shouldn't cry. When I tell him that 4-month-olds cry for more reasons than those two, he just says that the crying isn't necessary since it isn't helping anything.


Well if only babies were convenient, but they aren't. Since this is the guy who thought prenatal care and vitamins were a waste of money, chances are he's not super up to speed on normal child development either? Or is he feeling helpless in his ability to soothe her? Chances are she's settles easily at the breast and you are the answer to a lot of her crying. do you allow him a chance to try and soothe her if she's not hungry? Its ok to let baby and daddy work it out sometimes. Its easy to swoop in and rescue them but in order for them to develop their own relationship you have to step back at times.

little sparrow wrote:I brought up counseling (both individual and as a couple), and he angrily said that he would go, but if the counselor disagreed with him, he was just going to throw how wrong he/she was in his/her face until he/she "got it." I'm not sure if it would even be worth going due to that. He also views it as a huge waste of money, and points that out anytime I bring it up.


Let the counselor worry about that. YOU need individual counseling and if he's willing to go to couple's counseling and make a donkey out of himself then let him. Who cares if he thinks it's a waste of money. I mean seriously, who cares. YOU know it's not and that knowledge has to be enough for you. This is where boundaries come in (and please read Boundaries in Marriage like NOW). Go to counseling since he's said he'll go, and ignore the rest of his rantings about it. If anything you will get some tools to deal with him and some clarity on what to do with the marriage situation.
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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby little_sparrow » Tue May 10, 2016 9:11 pm

Job29Man wrote:Are you nursing the baby?

Yes, and I am very thankful that all has gone well so far regarding that.

Belovedalways, just out of curiosity, what would your advice be for a wife who is actively being physically abused by her husband, even if it is "minor" physical abuse?

HisLadybug, I actually asked about those things recently, and they just recently ended their ladies' Bible study. They have a men's fellowship time, but it's during my husband's work day. They don't do anything for couples.

Yes, I have actually read both Boundries and Boundries in Marriage.

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belovedalways
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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby belovedalways » Thu May 12, 2016 7:10 pm

Little Sparrow,

I think that instead of satiating your curiosity about my opinion on "minor" physical abuse to a young wife, I'd prefer to stay with the previous conversation and have you answer some of the questions that I asked you. I find it a little odd that your only response to what I wrote was your question to me.

Sparrow, you are not living in a vacuum having bad things happen to you. You are a part of your marriage problem and we'd be happy to encourage you to do the best Godly wife things that you can do.

I read this blog today and though perhaps you could glean from it. The Day My Marriage Ended I'm not judging you and assuming your problems or shortcomings are identical, but she too was a young married wife w/a 4 month old baby that believed that her reasons for leaving her husband were justified.
A kiss is the upper persuasion for a lower invasion.

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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby little_sparrow » Thu May 12, 2016 9:07 pm

belovedalways wrote:I find it a little odd that your only response to what I wrote was your question to me.

The reason I was asking is because before I responded any further to the rest of what you said, I wanted to know your view on abuse rather than make any assumptions about it. The question still stands if you're willing to answer it. :) I am also curious where you stand on the issue of emotional abuse in general and if you think it is ever worth leaving over.

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Re: Feeling like an object

Postby belovedalways » Fri May 13, 2016 6:54 am

My opinion is that the word abuse is tossed around a lot these days. Society applies that word to many situations that it shouldn't. Some people use that word as a get-out-of-jail-free card so they can be 'happy' without having to address and/or work on something difficult about themselves. I'm not saying that abuse doesn't happen, it does and in all kinds of ways to all kinds of people. But every little thing that folks want to label abusive doesn't make it so, even if society says, "Oh, yes it is." That's my opinion.

I'm still actually not sure why my opinion matters on this. Does it change what God wants for marriages? No. Does it change how Satan works to tear marriages apart? No. Does MY opinion change what you will share or what you will decide to do in your situation? Only you know that, but you're leaving the abuse teaser question open-ended before you just come out and say what you want or even exactly what you're referring to, so I'm guessing your answer will be modified according to what I think. I'm not interested at all in playing that game with you.

Personally, I'm not sure you're here looking for help. I'm starting to feel like you just want folks to back you up so you can do what you want with minimum guilt. You regularly offer a little drama without giving us many specific details. Husband said or did such and such, but what did you say or do? Frankly, I've said and done things in my life that were completely ungodly and sinful. If someone were to take those things and voice them to others so they could get a mental picture of who I am, it would be a very skewed picture of me as a whole. I'm feeling that we're getting a bit of a skewed picture of your husband. Not saying that he doesn't have issues, he does, but we all do, including yourself. I'm not believing that he is only what you're letting us see here. Same about what you're letting us see about yourself.

You need my opinion on minor abuse, but what specifically are you talking about? Minor is a relative term and means different things to different people. You create scenarios in your mind of things that 'could' happen and offer them up here like they're facts. We get just enough information from you to pull opinions in, but not enough information to actually know how you play a part in all of this. Do you realize that the picture you've painted of your husband has NO positive qualities? That says something about you, where your heart is, and what your motivation is.

I'm interested in what Scripture you're meditating on and what verses you now have taped to your bathroom mirror and your kitchen window over your sink. What bookmarks do you have in your Bible that you turn to when you sit down to nurse your dd? How's your prayer life going? Are you praying that the Lord would work in your life to change you and grow you up for His glory? Do you see the Holy Spirit directing you in your thought life so you're not constantly dwelling on negative qualities in your husband and fears that you have? Have you made a written list of the positive qualities your husband has? Are you adding to it as you notice more things? Maybe a list of the positive things about your marriage would be good as well. It really helps to see things in writing.

I personally think we have enough of your story unless you are ready to share your part in it all. I mean JUST about you, not your point of view about your dh. I'd like to know how we can help you to grow, because that's the stage of life/marriage that you're in right now. Trials and troubles are all about growing up and growing Christ-like. As an older woman you're allowing into your life, I'm here to teach you how to love your husband and very happy to do so. But you're the one that has to want to learn.
A kiss is the upper persuasion for a lower invasion.


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