Habits of a Successful Husband

Low or no sex drive?
Husband_In_Training
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Habits of a Successful Husband

Postby Husband_In_Training » Fri Jan 08, 2016 12:16 pm

This is a question for wives who aren't necessarily HD by nature, but those who frequently ML just because they like to be or feel close to their spouse (i.e. ML 2x per week or more). Wives who could take it or leave it, but still frequently open to ML.

I'm not talking about wives who've made a decision to overcome LD, but those who just like to say yes.

What habits does your husband do regularly that keep you open to sexual intimacy? Are there things which aren't necessarily noticed by you, but still keep your interest / willingness up? Things that put you in the correct mental state to be open to ML. Things that if he didn't do would make you less open to ML being a priority (or an option at all).

Realizing every woman is different, and there is no one size fits all, what commonalities can be identified for husbands of wives who like to say yes vs. HD.


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Vanna
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Re: Habits of a Successful Husband

Postby Vanna » Sat Jan 09, 2016 8:59 am

Okay, well I'm probably HD, but I'll take a stab at this because not every time hubby initiates am I technically "in the mood". There are nights I'm tired, and days I'm harried, but I don't turn him down because that moment is my gift to him for being the wonderful husband and father that he is, and besides, once things get going, the tiredness goes away, the stress goes away, and we both have fun. I've learned to associate those moments with the fun of giving. :)

As for what he does that makes me happy to connect with him in those moments? He has been an amazing husband. He gives and gives and gives. He is so unselfish it is crazy. He loves God, me, his kids. He tackles every repair and project without a murmur. He weathers the trials with remarkable grace. A harsh word is so rare. I really don't know what I did to deserve such a man, such a gift from God. He makes me laugh, he is an amazing prayer warrior, he enjoys my company, he loves everything I cook, he is adventurous in our spiritual walk and our marriage and our menu. He isn't controlling, uptight, or emotionally manipulative. He listens and he cares. He really is a treasure. My treasure from God and I love taking care of him in every way.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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Re: Habits of a Successful Husband

Postby ghostrider » Sat Jan 09, 2016 11:30 am

I'm a husband, but my wife fits your description, at least during parts of the month. There are often a few days where she really wants it, but the rest of the month it can be more of a take it or leave it thing, but she sometimes just initiates to cheer me up or to feel close to each other.

From things she has said that she likes:
I work out - I'm not a body builder, and I don't even have a hard 6 pack, but I've worked pretty hard to get rid of my gut and keep my body toned and she loves it. Yet while she appreciates it and will often make complements when I appear with no shirt on, it rarely leads directly to sex. Kinda hard to understand the relationship there.

I do stuff with the kids. Not always - sometimes I make big mistakes, but I have improved a lot as a dad over the years, and that is probably one of the top 2 or 3 things that has affected our relationship. Yet, I don't always get credit for what I do. She struggles with depression, and sometimes gets it into her head that we/I don't do enough with the kids until I stop and list everything that we have done recently.

I listen to her - this is a change I made last year and is huge.

I try to keep us on a schedule and ruthlessly eliminate unnecessary activities. This isn't easy to do but can easily be the biggest factor in whether or not we have sex on a given night. When things get too busy, sex (or good sex) is usually the first thing to be dropped. Of course this can lead to disagreements about how we spend our time and whether its more important to see family or friend X vs having a 2nd date night in a week or just scheduling some downtime.

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Re: Habits of a Successful Husband

Postby SeekingChange » Sat Jan 09, 2016 12:35 pm

I didn't consider myself to qualify to answer but maybe I do, because I believe I have become that woman. I have realized that I am a lower drive wife, but I have a pretty decent sexual nature. But there are definitely times I could take it or leave it.

I have noticed that him just loving me and doing what he can when he sees me struggling in an area, really draws me to him and makes me want to bless him and I want that closeness. An example, yesterday, the week caught up to me, and I needed my "alone time", I was very irritable, I even took it out on him some, because of circumstances he had no control over, we had a tiff, we both apologized, but he took the kids out for several hours so I could have blessed silence! By the time he came home I wanted to show him a proper thank you for his active love.

Another "successful habit" is his daily interaction with me. Speaking his love, his desire, of the beauty he sees through his eyes. That promotes a loving safe place. When I feel beat down by the world and I become unsure about myself and maybe in other relationships, I have started desiring to run to him. He can make me feel beautiful, with his touch and his desire, that I can get no where else, and I only get it by feeling, seeing and experiencing his touch and his desire. That is a time I actually come closest to feeling my beauty that he says he sees.

Acts of love, just because. Painting the door red in our garage for the sole purpose of me having the pleasue to see the red door when I come home. He sacrificed time and money for something that wasn't a need, or even asked for...just because of his love and desire to bring me pleasure. Bringing me home a favorite drink. Opening my car door, especially when you see the shock of others noticing. Going to the store with me so I don't have to do something I don't like to do, by myself.

Laughing...I love laughing. I love hearing it, I love causing it, I love when he makes me laugh. Laughing makes the world better, especially laughing in tmb. ::luv

Not sure if those are the kind of "habits" you are looking for.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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bigloop
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Habits of a Successful Husband

Postby bigloop » Sun Jan 10, 2016 6:59 am

SC- From your own words it seems "acts of love" are high on your list - and DH is hitting the mark well. So in that, maybe you've answered your own question further than you may have thought.
I do think attention to all levels or areas of love are important - as love is an action, not an emotion. But special attention to the most impactful is very important IMHO.

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SeekingChange
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Re: Habits of a Successful Husband

Postby SeekingChange » Sun Jan 10, 2016 7:20 am

Are you speaking of love languages? Because "Acts of Service" is actually my #4. I believe it's the sacrifice, whether it's time, money, energy, their self...that says "I love you! This is how important you are to me."
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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bigloop
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Re: Habits of a Successful Husband

Postby bigloop » Sun Jan 10, 2016 8:31 am

How long ago did you take the love language test?
Maybe take it again with this sacrifice thought in mind - you might see a difference. I've taken it a few times, and while my #1 never changes position, it changes percentage and my other four have moved around according a to my mood at the time. (Which begs the question of just how applicable it is)

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SeekingChange
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Re: Habits of a Successful Husband

Postby SeekingChange » Sun Jan 10, 2016 8:46 am

Within the past two months... but I don't want to derail from the OP.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Vanna
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Re: Habits of a Successful Husband

Postby Vanna » Sun Jan 10, 2016 9:25 am

The love languages are nice to know because at least then you know how your spouse or kids most commonly show their love, and how you can show it back to them. In some ways, over the years of doing that, I think we become more "multilingual" in showing love and receiving it. But my core love needs are still quality time and affirmation. Knowing the love languages has just made me more appreciative of when others are loving me with their languages- for hubby that is acts of service and physical touch.

One of the things I've noticed really helped us was learning to be positive and believe the best of each other. Another has been embracing joy and peace in the storms. I know he always has my back, and he knows the same of me. I also make it a priority to speak out my appreciation for all the strengths he has and good that he does, building him up and encouraging him. We've learned to find laughter and let go of disappointments.

Early in our marriage, before we got saved and Joyce Meyer and Ed Wheat got ahold of my wavering marriage, I internalized everything and kept records of wrong and saved my hurts like festering boils. I gave place to anger and hope deferred. I expected him to make me happy, not realizing that God had a better plan. We were only two years married, and one kid into it, and I was miserable, resented my husband, hated my job, hated my life, and wanted a divorce. In the end, God saved our marriage because I decided to give it one more month and see if applying the communication method Ed Wheat taught in the book my Mom sent would help. If it didn't change, if hubby didn't try, I was leaving. But God. It wasn't long, maybe 6 months or a year, and we both got saved because of how God's principles had impacted our lives. It's amazing the lengths God will go to show His love and truth. Lol.

There are many tools God used to help us learn to understand each other better- Personality Plus, Love Life for Every Married Couple, Five Love Languages, Incompatibility: Still Grounds for a Great Marriage. They all helped me understand my husband wasn't being insensitive as a deliberate act , and that I had to own my part in the communication breakdown. Of course, it helped our intimacy as well because at our low I hated his touch, resented his habit of wanting physical intimacy to heal my emotional problems. He would try so hard to love me and I would lay there hating him and wanting it to end. I felt like a body, he felt like a beast. And our marriage marched closer and closer to the cliff edge. Wow, we were a mess.

Anyway, all that to say- the tools can help if hearts are even a little soft in spots and willing to try to heal. Don't lose hope. :)
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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Re: Habits of a Successful Husband

Postby C_Brown » Sun Jan 10, 2016 10:02 pm

My wife fits that description (although I think her personal desire for sex has gone up). Some things I deliberately make a habit of are: hello/goodbye kisses and hugs, frequent compliments and saying I love her, physical contact (holding hands, arm around her shoulders, hand on the small of her back etc.), doing little things for her. Sometimes I'll get flowers or some kind of treat for her when I'm shopping. Basically I hit all the love languages fairly often.
So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing -- Yvaine (in the movie Stardust)


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