Need a straight honest answer (penis size question)

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Kcr123
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Need a straight honest answer (penis size question)

Postby Kcr123 » Mon Jun 05, 2017 4:04 pm

So a little embarrassed but need to ask. Have been studying about marriage and the idea that it is the ultimate form of "being one" it is a union in the most real sense. We got married 15 years ago and I was a virgin, wife wasn't. She had been with someone for 8 years. I'm going to be graphic here, apparently his size was double mine, so she had gotten used to that. Because of this, early on I figure out it wasnt good for her. We have 2 children and love each other, but not at all in an intimate way. There is nothing from her side.

She needs a certain size. Do we just use something that is bigger and live with that? To me and to her it seems less authentic but I guess it's better than nothing. Is there a good answer on how to fix this problem? Do we just satisfy our base needs and ignore the fact that it doesn't appear to be a natural fit and never was?

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Re: Need a straight honest answer

Postby Learning1 » Mon Jun 05, 2017 4:15 pm

Welcome,

Sorry you are going through this. Do you mind if I ask a few questions ?

Kcr123 wrote: Because of this, early on I figure out it wasnt good for her.


Did she actually tell you directly it wasn't good for her or are you assuming it wasn't ? Has she stated she needs a certain size ?
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis

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Re: Need a straight honest answer

Postby Kcr123 » Mon Jun 05, 2017 4:56 pm

Yes she stated she didn't know before we got married but she's not attracted to me. Also when using toys they have to be [much longer than me].

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Re: Need a straight honest answer

Postby ledgemoor » Mon Jun 05, 2017 5:25 pm

...but she's not attracted to me.
What has she said or done to make you think this?

Most women cannot reliably O from PIV sex alone. Usage of a vibrator is common. If she prefers them large, so what? Women's anatomy varies more than men's penis size. Diaphragms come in sizes from about 2" to 4 ". I doubt her past experience stretched her or anything like that. She is just big.

Doing Kegel exercises would give her vaginal muscles better tone, making her tighter and making orgasms more pleasurable for her and intercourse more enjoyable for both of you.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: Need a straight honest answer

Postby Kcr123 » Mon Jun 05, 2017 5:41 pm

Early on she said she was excited about getting married in the church and within the first few times together she had no interest in it or me. She did say she loved but was never in love with me and didn't know.

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Re: Need a straight honest answer

Postby SquarePants » Mon Jun 05, 2017 7:27 pm

I've seen over and over again, where a spouse seems to be REALLY excited about sex before marriage, but then looses interest virtually on the honeymoon. I seriously doubt that penis size has anything to do with the lack of interest in sex in these cases.

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Re: Need a straight honest answer

Postby ItsJustUs » Mon Jun 05, 2017 7:35 pm

Kcr123 wrote:Early on she said she was excited about getting married in the church and within the first few times together she had no interest in it or me. She did say she loved but was never in love with me and didn't know.


Ok, I'm going to jump in here. I think what I've quoted is really important. She "loves you" but was "never in love" with you tells me she has a lot of growing up to do.

Young women often want an "exciting" guy. That's why they date football players, guys who are rough and tough and get in trouble. Then they get to a point where they look for a man to marry, and some choose a "safe" guy they think they can love but don't have to be in love with. Sure, he doesn't get her heart fluttering or make her blush, but her mom and dad will like him and he'll make a good living and be a good dad.

I don't think your size has much if anything to do with it. I'd guess she married you and discovered she wasn't really ready to settle down. She misses the excitement she had before, I think.

You didn't say if she was married to the other guy. If not, that makes me even more sure it's her and not you.

Also, do you understand her to be wanting more length, thickness or both? One thing you might not know is that when a woman gets lubricated it is not a sign she is fully aroused and ready for PIV. Part of the typical arousal pattern, if that exists, is for the vagina to lubricate, then expand in size, then get somewhat smaller. If you attempt PIV when she has "ballooned" it might feel that you are not filling her in the same way she has gotten used to but you will get enough stimulation to make you finish before she enters the next phase. And it won't be the same way you will fill her if you get her fully aroused. Just throwing that in because this is the science of sex section. I think the real problem is emotional and maturity though. But just in case try making really sure you get her fully aroused with your fingers, with OS, or a toy before you try PIV.

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Re: Need a straight honest answer

Postby George B. » Mon Jun 05, 2017 7:49 pm

Women's vaginas are quite elastic, so even if she was with a guy larger than you, that's unlikely to be a significant issue, physically speaking. To me, it sounds like either you are she are focusing on a supposed physical issue to avoid underlying emotional ones, especially given what you've written here.

Also, I don't know if this helps, but women are notoriously bad at estimating penis size, according to a study I've seen, and it would be really unusual for a guy to really be double the size of another. The vast majority of men are really only within an inch or two of each other, anyway. And that's based on real life scientific studies, too.

However, given what you've said, I suspect that the problems in your marriage may be more emotional than physical, anyway.
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Re: Need a straight honest answer

Postby tjw » Mon Jun 05, 2017 8:14 pm

Kcr123 wrote:within the first few times together she had no interest in it or me. She did say she loved but was never in love with me and didn't know.

I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but I think you already know anyway..... a big penis is not going to make your marriage work. Your marriage would not be any more intimate if you had a 6-foot [penis]. This is an EXCUSE, a way for your wife to blame you for HER SIN of premarital sexuality, which, if she had not engaged in, there would not exist this problem in the first place.

BTW, I think you already know this, too..... "I love you but I'm not in love with you..." is the standard mantra of adulterers....

In order for this problem to be solved, your wife is going to have to seriously gain maturity. Obviously, I have no way to know whether she has committed the physical act of adultery. However, her words indicate, to me, that she is committing adultery of the heart, and that she has not kept her vow to "forsake all others" that she made before God, you, and witnesses in that "church wedding" that she was so excited about.

Kcr123 wrote:There is nothing from her side.

I can see that clearly.

Obviously, she was not "excited" about marrying you. And that "didn't know" business is 100% balderdash. If this problem is ever going to be resolved, your wife has to quit lying and do some "heavy lifting" using the TRUTH for a change.

We do not here recommend divorce to anyone. Our only position is to work for the marriage to stay together and succeed. We have lots of folks here who can pray, give advice, etc. but you two are going to need a professional marital counselor if there is any hope for a successful life together.

ItsJustUs wrote:You didn't say if she was married to the other guy. If not, that makes me even more sure it's her and not you.

Yep. Case in point. If big penises made great marriages ? Why isn't she still there and married to him ? Or, better yet.... why were they not married ? One thing is clear, his big penis did not make a WORKING marriage.

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Open the door and pour yourself a bowl of Cheerios

Postby Job29Man » Mon Jun 05, 2017 8:31 pm

Offer her her freedom. Tell her to make a decision that she can live with happily for the rest of her life. Choose a Saturday morning and take her to the front door of your house and open it wide. Then tell her...

"I open the door for you. Go chase your dreams. Do what you think is best. I will be in the kitchen. Make your decision once and for all. Either go out the door and chase the man with the big organ if that is important to you, or come to the kitchen and join me for breakfast, forever. Do you want the strength of my character and integrity, or do you want the size of his ----? Decide now. Abandon one of us, and join the other of us forever, but only if you will be satisfied. I promise you now that we will NEVER again use a sex toy that is bigger than me. Love me, or leave me, for who I am, and what I am. Do it today. Do it now."

Then kiss her passionately and walk back to the kitchen. Pour yourself a bowl of Cheerios, then pour the milk on it and start eating. You'll know her answer before you see the bottom of the bowl.

Never, ever again give her something that you are not.
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Re: Need a straight honest answer

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Jun 05, 2017 8:35 pm

tjw wrote:BTW, I think you already know this, too..... "I love you but I'm not in love with you..." is the standard mantra of adulterers.... 

I don't think it's fair to suggest someone who says this is an adulterer. This is a very common feeling and saying in many marriages where they drift apart. I would have said I felt this way even if I didn't verbalize it to my husband.
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Re: Need a straight honest answer

Postby tjw » Tue Jun 06, 2017 2:12 am

SeekingChange wrote: I would have said I felt this way even if I didn't verbalize it to my husband.


Yes, but you did not offer it as an excuse. In my mind, that is quite a different scenario. I was not seeking to bring an indictment, but to reveal an underlying "heart condition" which she would need to see in herself and radically change if her marriage were to ever be satisfying to either her or her husband.

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Re: Need a straight honest answer

Postby doug-h » Tue Jun 06, 2017 6:55 am

I think there is a lot missing from this post, and it is probably premature to start throwing out advice.

Rather than veiled hints at what is going on in the Mr and Mrs KCR123 marriage bed, he needs to speak clearly as to what is going on. Personally, my first reading of his post spoke more about his insecurities than her actions and attitudes, and I really haven't read anything to change my mind. That is not to say that his insecurities are not based on reality, but there are two realities to take into account here. His wife may well be dissatisfied in their marriage bed, but it is quit likely that his penis size is not the problem.

The only recommendation I am willing to make right now is real communication, preferably in the presence of a counselor.

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Re: Need a straight honest answer

Postby ItsJustUs » Tue Jun 06, 2017 7:01 am

Kcr123 wrote:Yes she stated she didn't know before we got married but she's not attracted to me. Also when using toys they have to be [much longer than me].

Doug, this to mean says more than you think he's said. He said this as an answer to a direct question about what she has told him.

I agree they need open communication and counseling but don't think he is just feeling insecure with no reason.

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Re: Need a straight honest answer

Postby doug-h » Tue Jun 06, 2017 7:12 am

TJW, I make a point of overlooking a lot of comments that I don't necessarily believe are appropriate, but I am not willing to let your adulterer comment stand without challenging it.

There are a lot of issues that can play into loving but not being "in love", that have absolutely nothing to do with adultery. In fact, most of the time that is probably the case. To make that leap is presumptuous.

For the record, it is the mantra of a spouse that feels unappreciated, is neglected, is overwhelmed, feels hopeless, and any number of other things. I am quite certain that my wife has not been "in love" with me many times, and for much of our marriage, and I am also certain that she has never had an adulterous heart.
For the most part, it was because I was un-lovable, and even un-likeable.

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Re: Need a straight honest answer

Postby doug-h » Tue Jun 06, 2017 7:33 am

ItsJustUs wrote:He said this as an answer to a direct question about what she has told him.

I don't disagree that her statement is troubling. What I don't know is the context of that statement, when it was made, and a lot of other details I would have to know before I could attribute any particular motive. I also don't see a direct connection between the size of toys and that comment. One seems to be a fairly accurate recollection of a statement made, and the other seems to be attributing her remarks to a particular motive that is poorly represented at best. Did she say she was not in love with him because of the size of his penis, or did he make that leap himself?

I would pose a simple question here. Why use a toy at all, if it was not pleasant, if it did not enhance the experience for one or both spouses. I have certainly never brought my wife to O thru PIV alone. Is that because I am "too small", or is it just the nature of both our anatomy does not lend itself to that outcome. I'm not sure a toy larger than myself would do that, but if so, I'm sure I would have some.conflicting emotions about it. On the one hand, I'm sure I would find it somewhat disappointing that I couldn't do so myself, but on the other hand, I would be "Woohoo". Let's do this, because I would be thrilled either way, as long as she got there. I haven't figured out a way to make my anatomy vibrate either, but I know that works almost every time. Am I supposed to be insecure because I don't have a built in vibrator?

My attitude on that aspect of the post, is sort of, if it works, use it and have a blast. Celebrate it.

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Re: Need a straight honest answer

Postby ItsJustUs » Tue Jun 06, 2017 10:43 am

Kcr123, I've thought more and I bet the heart of the problem is spiritual. By that I mean your wife maybe holding onto sinful attitudes and experiences. Maybe she wanted to leave them behind and thought getting married to you would "cure" her desire for another man. Then she found out it didn't fix it.

I don't know if you'll be comfortable sharing more details like doug thinks we need to know how to help. If you do please let us know more of the specifics (I don't mean your size, the size or kind of toy, etc) of your relationship and the things your wife has said and done.

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Re: Need a straight honest answer

Postby Learning1 » Tue Jun 06, 2017 2:57 pm

Kcr123,

Would your wife be willing to join and participate in TMB ?

Completely agree with doug-h's post...Way to early for suggestions of adultery & ultimatums.

doug-h wrote:I think there is a lot missing from this post, and it is probably premature to start throwing out advice.

The only recommendation I am willing to make right now is real communication, preferably in the presence of a counselor.
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis


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