Unconsummated Marriage

Erectile disfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed orgasm, etc.
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Job29Man
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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby Job29Man » Tue Aug 08, 2017 4:03 am

HIGH FIVES TO BOTH OF YOU! YAYYYY! HUZZAH! ::clap :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby poetess » Tue Aug 08, 2017 6:09 am

I'm grinning ear to ear at that good report.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby Romantic Husband » Tue Aug 08, 2017 7:52 am

:D I'm happy to hear that your faith has been rewarded, and will continue to pray for you and your wife.
Matthew 19:26 - With God all things are possible.
Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby JD91 » Tue Sep 05, 2017 6:07 pm

Hey folks, I thought I'd post a quick update. First of all, thank you again for all the encouragement and support!

I had thought that maybe after experiencing IC a few times, sex would get easier, but it hasn't yet. We haven't had IC again since those initial three times, thanks to my persistent ED. Lately I've had almost no sex drive, sort of like the first few weeks of marriage. I just don't get aroused at all during lovemaking. Cialis has occasionally helped a bit, but I'm currently out of pills and due to my wife's change in job, we're without health insurance until October 1. 15 pills would cost over $1,000 without insurance, so it looks like my penis and I are on our own this month! It sort of feels like we're back at square one, but it's good to know at least we were able to make it happen a few times. I'm not sure how many more times it needs to happen before sex will start to come more naturally. There's still a lot of uncertainty ahead, but I definitely appreciate your continued prayers.

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby JD91 » Tue Sep 05, 2017 6:13 pm

Oh, I guess I had never posted that we made it happen two more times since the initial IC. That was several weeks ago I think, and it's only become more difficult since then.

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby Learning1 » Tue Sep 05, 2017 7:05 pm

If your equipment isn't functioning, I would strongly encourage you to try to bring your wife to O through manual sex or even you use the dilators just to keep her stretched, ideally she would get some sexual satisfaction out of it. Many woman will not O from PIV but can O with manual or toys. Please keep sexually active as much as possible even without the Cialis.
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby JD91 » Wed Sep 06, 2017 2:35 am

I did try giving her OS again recently. She liked it, but whenever she likes something that I try, it's more that it feels relaxing for her rather than sexually arousing. As always, I really wish I could bring her to O.

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby ledgemoor » Wed Sep 06, 2017 6:24 am

Please reconsider seeing a male testosterone specialist. 600 is not a horrible level, but is nothing to write home about. My performance at 600 is poor, and old guys (late 50's) typically do better on lowish levels than young guys. Different men need different levels. You can't really say if 600 is low for you without trying more testosterone. And it may not be just testosterone. It could be too much estrogen, or low FSH levels, or something else. They will check all that out.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby JD91 » Wed Sep 06, 2017 3:30 pm

Yes I will definitely seek out a hormone specialist as a next course of action. I think that'd be a good idea. This whole thing would be easier I think if I knew it was just a chemical issue.

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby JD91 » Thu Oct 05, 2017 3:33 am

Here's an update on our situation. I finally was able to get more Cialis (six pills every month for $25 with our insurance...not too bad). Last night it helped with the erection, but I still wasn't able to finish through PIV because I just can't seem to stay aroused once IC begins. The physical erection stayed longer thanks to Cialis, but even that does little good if I can't stay mentally aroused.

DW does everything she can think of to help, even talking about my fetish which normally results in instant arousal for me. But it's like something's different once I've penetrated her. I concentrate really hard and focus on her and sometimes close my eyes and try to think up arousing past scenarios with her, but nothing seems to work. And of course she's not aroused during PIV either, though she continues to have occasional nocturnal orgasms.

So at least we've figured out how to penetrate, but isn't penetration supposed to build excitement at least for the man? With a condom it just doesn't feel like much of anything to me. But it has worked a few times in the past, (usually without the condom), which I posted about, and so I'm still hopeful. But there definitely seems to be a psychological problem on my end in that IC kills arousal rather than builds it. I'm going to be looking for another counselor.

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby Job29Man » Thu Oct 05, 2017 7:26 am

JD91 wrote:isn't penetration supposed to build excitement at least for the man?

Yes, that's how it works. Penetration feels better and is more arousing than non-penetration. This is the natural way.

JD91 wrote:With a condom it just doesn't feel like much of anything to me.

For most men condoms reduce sensation, by changing the way of nature; blocking the sense of skin inside a moist body. I don't see a condom as helping your problem.

JD91 wrote:there definitely seems to be a psychological problem on my end in that IC kills arousal rather than builds it. I'm going to be looking for another counselor.

It looks like your past porn use has practically re-wired your brain to perceive sex in an unnatural way. Doesn't sound like a regular "counselor" is what you need. You probably need a real-life "sex therapist." Your brain needs to be reconditioned to perceive natural sex as what it wants.
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby JD91 » Thu Oct 05, 2017 11:17 am

Job29Man wrote:For most men condoms reduce sensation, by changing the way of nature; blocking the sense of skin inside a moist body. I don't see a condom as helping your problem.


Right I agree. But do you think it’d be unwise for us to have kids while we’re still struggling so much with intimacy? I’m sure it will only get more difficult after having kids. A while back omeone on here (I can’t remember who) recommended strongly against having kids until we had a healthy sex life.

Job29Man wrote:It looks like your past porn use has practically re-wired your brain to perceive sex in an unnatural way. Doesn't sound like a regular "counselor" is what you need. You probably need a real-life "sex therapist." Your brain needs to be reconditioned to perceive natural sex as what it wants.


Yes, a sex therapist is what I originally had started looking for. But searching for “sex therapist” online only led me to marriage and family counselors who specialize in sexual problems. A sex therapist would be different than this, right? Is there a specific degree a sex therapist would have or any better way to find one?

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby tjw » Fri Oct 06, 2017 5:15 am

I have two recommendations for you:

1) yes, I think you should wait to have children until your intimacy problems are resolved, plus some time for "man and wife time" with good functionality for both of you. Children inhibit sex. You will endure a long period of 3-5 years where sex will become a lot more difficult to accomplish. Children make you very tired, require a lot of energy to properly care for. Not saying it isn't worth it, but I think it's best to go into things aware of the resultant ramifications.

2) I recommend you look on the "medical" side for your therapist. Find a urologist who is a sexual dysfunction specialist and let him/her call the shots as to psychology consults and therapies. The sex specialist will be aware of psychologists in the area who can help.

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Job29Man
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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby Job29Man » Fri Oct 06, 2017 7:54 am

JD,

I think I'd call one of those counselors and say ... "Look, I'm unable to function normally and I'm pretty sure it's because I trained my body to not respond to anything but my fetish. I know it's wrong. I recognize the harm it's done. And I want to change in whatever way is going to correct this. So "counseling" to show me the wrongness, harm, etc is (I think) unnecessary. I don't want to learn to cope or to live with this. I want to fix it.

"I believe I need to recondition my brain to what's normal. It sure sounds psychological to me. Who can you refer me to that can help me retrain my brain and body?"

Words to that effect.
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby Barbarah-Hephizibah » Fri Oct 06, 2017 9:33 pm

Have you considered that it might be a dopamine induced erectile dysfunction from viewing the porn images?

We have a limbic system which functions basically in terms of helping us to know how to avoid pain, but also how to repeat pleasure/pleasurable activities. In the limbic system, there is something called the reward circuitry and this is at the root of addictions. We also have a neurotransmitter in our brain called dopamine (the pleasure neurotransmitter) and with addictive behaviors, a blast of dopamine is released. That’s what feeds the addiction. There are natural ways and unnatural ways of getting this blast of dopamine. Examples of natural ways, include: doing a job well done and having that sense of achievement, eating a craved food, and having an orgasm. Some unnatural ways include using chemical substances and pornography. So, as to what’s happening in terms of porn, although you find your spouse attractive, you are not finding her as stimulating because you have exposed yourself to images that are possibly much more extreme/graphic. As a result, the reward system of dopamine gets overloaded. In addition, if there is masturbation that goes on with pornography, men often have a firmer pressure/friction with their hand and they get acclimated to that sensation. Regular intercourse doesn’t hold the same sensation. This is where one can experience problems with the erectile dysfunction, as well. Often, it’s embarrassing for the husbands. The wives, they feel unattractive and start blaming themselves. Communication with your spouse is very important.

With the dopamine induced erectile dysfunction, even if the man takes pde5 inhibitors, yes, it can help with the function, but the pde5 inhibitors don’t have that pleasure component because it’s not stimulating the brain. Therefore, when having sex with pde5 inhibitors, the sex usually isn’t as sexually satisfying.

For dopamine induced erectile dysfunction, it’s recommended to abstain from porn. This helps to restore the neurotransmitter to normalcy. Also, to abstain from masturbation for a good 4 week period. This helps to restore the sensation again to a more normal way.

When you are sexual with your wife, make it about exploring sensual touch, not just sexual touch. Enjoy the experience! Don’t dwell on staying erect. If you don’t have an erection or an ejaculation, try not to think of it as a horrible time. Just enjoy the moment with your beautiful wife. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. Take the pressure off because eventually you will get there.

Pray about the above and run this recommendation by your sex therapist. ~ BH

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby JD91 » Sun Oct 08, 2017 4:11 am

Barbarah-Hephizibah wrote:Have you considered that it might be a dopamine induced erectile dysfunction from viewing the porn images?


Yes, I'm pretty certain that this is the main problem. For me, it's never been looking at images that are graphic/extreme, but fetish-related images that aren't sexual in and of themselves. I've never even seen a video of two people having sex, so my neurotransmitter is even further removed from the act of PIV itself. I don't get aroused even thinking about IC.

Fortunately I'm not embarrassed by the ED, since I've experienced it since getting married a year ago. I've never really known any different and neither has DW. Successful IC has by far been the exception rather than the norm (we've done it four times so far). But we do communicate pretty openly about everything, and I often reassure her that I do find her attractive. I do feel disappointed that I missed out on the extreme sexual excitement of the typical wedding night. I know not all couples are able to have great sex on their wedding night, but in our case I didn't even get aroused at all the entire evening. It's my own fault due to MB before marriage, and I believe it's best not to dwell on the disappointing aspects and focus on the special moments of our first night and honeymoon that we shared together, even if they weren't sexual.

Everything you said is right though. I do need to stop viewing these fetish images or anything that leads to masturbation, and I'm still struggling to do so. We have an anniversary weekend trip coming up at the end of this month, so I'm making it a goal to completely abstain until then. Setting mini-goals seems to be more manageable than just saying, "Ok, never again." But of course the ultimate goal is to put away all MB and fetish images apart from DW for good.

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby Barbarah-Hephizibah » Sun Oct 08, 2017 5:57 pm

JD91 wrote:I do need to stop viewing these fetish images or anything that leads to masturbation, and I'm still struggling to do so.

When you feel tempted, replace the sinful behavior with something else that is stimulating. For example, take a cold shower or go for run. Praying for you! ~ BH


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