Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Erectile disfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed orgasm, etc.
tjw
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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby tjw » Sat Feb 11, 2017 10:05 am

You and your wife are making the right steps and in the right directions. God is definitely at work and is bringing you the victory.
I'm so delighted for both of you. You have a wonderful life of good sex and many marital blessings ahead.

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby Romantic Husband » Sat Feb 11, 2017 11:22 am

JD, I'm happy for you two. If I had any new suggestions to give you, I would, but I think you're doing all the right things. The most important thing is that the two of you continue to be intimate in all the ways that you can, and to support and encourage one another. Let the progress that you are making be of encouragement to you. We're praying for your marriage.
Matthew 19:26 - With God all things are possible.
Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby Job29Man » Sat Feb 11, 2017 5:32 pm

JD91 wrote:She's been on medication for anxiety (since we were dating) and would like to increase the dosage, but is concerned because a possible side-effect is lowered libido. Since our first week of marriage, her libido has already been pretty low. She still hasn't had an O since then. Fortunately, despite us both having pretty low drives at this point, we still try to change that every night that we can!


I could be wrong but I'm thinking you should focus on just the one issue of accomplishing actual PIV at least 1 or 2 times. It is possible for this to happen without her having ANY libido. I wouldn't try to get all the stars and planets in perfect alignment. Just "get 'er done!"

There will be plenty of time to work on her libido later.
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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby JD91 » Sat Feb 11, 2017 10:02 pm

Yeah that's true. This is what I mean when I say we try every night we can...we try to accomplish PIV. We haven't gotten very far with it, although I inserted a finger once. If she could just be relaxed enough, I think it could work. I assume neither of us will O the first time, but I do agree that penetration is the necessary next step regardless.

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby TJC » Sun Feb 12, 2017 7:51 am

This may seem a little out in left field, but how do you two feel about OS? In my 41 year marriage DW has NEVER orgasmed from PIV sex alone. I understand that part of your issue is with you, but I have found that at times when I wasn't particularly in the mood, yet wanted to start something with DW, in the process of performing OS I became aroused. The worst that could happen is DW could experience orgasm, although it is not a substitute for intercourse. Just a thought, take it for what it's worth.
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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby poetess » Sun Feb 12, 2017 10:22 am

I hesitate to say this, so as not to put up any more "roadblocks," but if you only once have been able to penetrate her with one finger, and then with resistance, intercourse may not actually be the next step. We had some problems that took a few weeks to get fully in, but my husband could insert two fingers and stretch me a bit (intentional stretching--it hurt, but it was something he was doing for us, and it felt like a really loving act even while it hurt). It wasn't until reading around on this forum months later that I realized I probably had developed vaginismus. In our case, his gentle stretching over several sessions, coupled with mild attempts at penetration, and OS or manual sex in between, worked. If I had known before marriage what I know now, I would have worked (before marriage) to make sure I was good and aroused before I made efforts at penetration to get me ready for marriage. (I was working with a candle, but women sometimes work with dilators for that reason.) My body began to resist sometimes, and I mistakenly assumed it was my hymen. I think if I had known to work at arousal first even with use of the candle, it would have been easier to be ready for penetration after marriage. As it was, it took several weeks, but soon we had that blessing.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby JD91 » Mon Feb 13, 2017 4:38 am

Well when I say we've only penetrated with the finger once, it's because we've only tried it once, and only tried one finger. We've talked about trying it again with two fingers. By the way, what do you mean by a candle?

TJC wrote:This may seem a little out in left field, but how do you two feel about OS?

We've tried OS, both ways, and neither of us enjoyed the giving or receiving at all. I hope eventually we will, but right now it's something we kind of have to force ourselves to do without gagging from being grossed out by it! We talked about OS yesterday and thought maybe sometime I could try performing it on her once she's already aroused. Previously we've only done it while trying to get her excited, which definitely didn't work. She doesn't enjoy me touching her down there most of the time, and the only time she sort of wants me to is when she's already aroused. Interestingly, though, yesterday she got very aroused from laying on top of me and then we fell asleep (during the afternoon) and she had a mild nocturnal orgasm.

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby poetess » Mon Feb 13, 2017 7:50 am

Re a candle: one of the ways a bride can prepare herself for her husband is with a taper candle, perhaps with a condom on it (I've heard both ways, with or without). She can start with the wick end with the wick cut short (since that end is smaller) and practice inserting it. Over time she should be able to use the blunt end, maybe move it around a bit since her husband is probably "thicker" than the candle. Since your wife is now married to you, it may make more sense to use your fingers than to use a candle, though many on this board have mentioned dilators. If you haven't been penetrating her with your fingers, I definitely recommend that. It doesn't feel as good to the woman as intercourse (the penis doesn't have bones in it), but it is making progress on penetration, and it is sex play.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby JD91 » Wed Feb 15, 2017 4:56 am

Well we tried inserting additional fingers, and the furthest we could get was two fingers about a quarter of the way in. And this after red wine, full-body massage with oil, lighting candles, and reading Song of Solomon (lol). So she was very relaxed but still not stretched out enough. The Viagra didn't do as much for me either last night. The problem is that both of us want to have intercourse, but neither of us can get or stay very aroused most of the time. The frustration made her cry last night, but it actually makes me feel better to know the problem is not 100% on my end. If we're going to have a struggle, it's better that we're both struggling together. I just hope this doesn't drag out long enough to actually start hurting our relationship. It hasn't so far. She plans to see her doctor soon and ask about the challenges on her end, and I have another appointment with mine in a couple weeks. He'll probably want me to try Cialis, so I'll see if I have better luck with that.

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby tjw » Wed Feb 15, 2017 5:48 am

I just hope this doesn't drag out long enough to actually start hurting our relationship.


If you two remain as you are, this struggle will actually bring you together in a wonderful way. Marital struggles, when the couple places God as the center, are one of His best long-term blessings. You'll have very fond memories of it.

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby JD91 » Wed Feb 22, 2017 12:56 pm

tjw wrote:If you two remain as you are, this struggle will actually bring you together in a wonderful way. Marital struggles, when the couple places God as the center, are one of His best long-term blessings. You'll have very fond memories of it.


Yes, you're absolutely right. I'm certain God will use this whole struggle for our good and His glory in the end. Things haven't been getting any easier lately though. DW has not been able to become even mildly aroused in over a week. We've tried a lot of different things, sometimes going to another room or changing the lighting or starting with a massage. I still usually get a bit aroused at the beginning but then lose it entirely within minutes. I feel like a kid sitting in the driver's seat of his parents' car, wondering what it can do but not knowing how to start it up or drive!

We're still trying the fingering so that she can hopefully stretch out, but haven't made any progress. I can get two fingers about a quarter of the way in, but that's it. Neither of us enjoy doing this either, so maybe that's why she remains tense.

On the positive side, I'm happy we're both having issues at the same time, so that one of us isn't anxiously awaiting the other to get their issues resolved. It's frustrating, but at least we don't know what we're missing.

I'm waiting to hear back from one Christian counseling center in our area, to see if they offer sex therapy. I have another doctor's appt. in a week and a half, so I'll be able to try Cialis then. And she has a doctor's appt. coming up herself, where she plans to mention the problems from her end. So...just keep praying!

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby Romantic Husband » Thu Feb 23, 2017 12:05 pm

I'm glad you two are being persistent. We're still praying for you.
Matthew 19:26 - With God all things are possible.
Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

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Counseling

Postby JD91 » Sat Feb 25, 2017 11:36 am

This morning we had our first counseling appointment. God answered our prayers and we found a wonderful Christian counseling center where every counselor is a believer and/or a pastor. The counselor we met with has experience in the area of sexual problems, and I think it's going to be very helpful. She recommended we get two books: A Celebration of Sex by Douglass Rosenau and Restoring the Pleasure by Clifford and Joyce Penner.

Has anyone read these or have any thoughts on them?

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby JD91 » Thu Mar 16, 2017 6:34 am

It's been a while so I thought I'd post an update.

DW and I have had two counseling sessions so far. We like our therapist a lot, and it's nice to talk with someone about our sexual challenges, but still haven't made a lot of progress toward consummating the marriage. I had a followup with my doctor and based on the results of the many blood tests they ran, I'm perfectly healthy. There were no hormonal problems or anything. So I guess that's good news, although I was kind of hoping for some answers.

I got a prescription for Cialis, and it has been MUCH cheaper and more effective than Viagra. I'm also finding that I'm able to get better erections for longer now even without it. The main barrier now is her not being able to get aroused and being too tight for penetration. So she's ordered a dilator and is hoping to make progress using that.

We've also gone through some of the touching/relaxation exercises in the book Restoring the Pleasure, but I'm unsure of how helpful they'll be to us. I could see these exercises being helpful for someone who is uncomfortable with touch/intimacy based on some past trauma, but we're already comfortable with each other and love touching.

I'm struggling psychologically/spiritually with the temptation to fantasize about my fetish (seeing DW get pied or slimed). It's difficult because I know that fantasizing about her getting messy isn't really a sin, but it isn't helpful right now while we're still struggling to achieve intercourse. But when she's away, I'm strongly tempted to go back to viewing videos of random girls getting messy, and since that involves girls other than my wife, I believe it is a sin. So we've become more open about this lately. She asks me every night how I did, and I tell her whether or not I looked at any WAM. I don't know if this is best long term (I've heard that having your spouse as an accountability partner can lead to some problems), but right now it is really helping me to resist temptation. It also makes her feel better to know that I'm staying pure when she's away, otherwise she'd be worrying about it. Ever since we started this daily accountability a couple weeks ago, I haven't given myself over to looking at WAM. I still think about it though, and it kind of drives me crazy knowing that I can't see DW get messy no matter how much I want to. It feels like I'm still unmarried and having to suppress my desires surrounding her. And since we can't have intercourse either, I feel way more sexually frustrated now than I did when I was single.

At least right now I do have the outlet of her hand jobs. I feel loved when she wants to give me pleasure even though she gets nothing out of it, but I've found it's ultimately unfulfilling if I'm not able to pleasure her in return. Now I understand why sex was designed to be about mutual giving. Right now it's one-sided, and I'm experiencing the spiritual emptiness of that. I long to be able to touch her and give her the same kind of pleasure, but lately we've essentially given up trying to make that happen. She just feels discomfort or nothing at all.

My hope is that once we achieve PIV and are able to enjoy that regularly, I will no longer feel so strongly inclined to WAM, and she will be able to get aroused and enjoy Os the way she did (accidentally) before marriage and on our wedding night. At least that's what we're praying for.

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby poetess » Thu Mar 16, 2017 8:21 am

JD91, it doesn't necessarily feel all that good to a woman to go straight for the genitals if she isn't aroused. But don't give up on touching her sensually. Have you tried this? http://site.themarriagebed.com/sexualit ... al-massage
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby JD91 » Thu Mar 16, 2017 9:32 am

Yes, we do often start with a massage. I think because she has a stressful job and is always tired, the massage tends to put her to sleep rather than arouse her. She's also said that she thinks knowing how I'm struggling against my fetish temptation might be a psychological barrier to her arousal.

I did read that whole page though and got some new ideas to try with her. I also realized that at the end where it describes the wife pleasuring the male parts with her hand, that sounds very different from my experience. For me, it still takes 5-10 minutes of vigorous movement with her hand before I come close to climax. If we stop short, it takes me a long time to get back to that point if I can get back at all. The other day I had been feeling sexually excited all day, but we tried for at least 10 minutes and I just couldn't make it to climax no matter how hard I concentrated. I'm sure I could do it if I were alone, but there's something about having her in the same room that makes it difficult. This is causing me to fear that whenever we do achieve PIV I won't be able to climax inside of her. But I know fear and worry cannot help anything. I just can't help wondering why virtually every aspect of sex has been so arduous for us both when there's nothing physically wrong with us. Thank goodness we still have many years ahead. It's just getting incredibly frustrating right now.


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