How to help my wife have an Orgasm for the first time?

[Rubyist]

My wife and I have been married 6 months now. Both of us were virgins before we were married. My wife has never had an orgasm--at least, she's not sure she's ever had one, and from what we've heard/read, it should be incredibly obvious...so we're assuming she hasn't had one. I know it's an acquired "skill" that takes longer for some women than others. Usually my wife doesn't let me touch her genital area during our love making sessions, but on every occasion she's allowed me to, she enjoys it until it reaches a point where it's too intense, at which point she makes me stop.

My wife still says she enjoys sex, but I really want to help her have an orgasm! I've made several suggestions:

• I've read here on TMB, and in some of the books we've read together, that it can be beneficial for a newlywed wife to spend some time alone exploring her own body, seeing what feels good, seeing what brings her to an orgasm, etc. I've encouraged her to do this, but she doesn't feel very comfortable doing it. She occasionally masturbated before we met, but hasn't since we've met. We've discussed the topic a few times, and neither of us has any moral qualms with it, but she does have a bit of a subconscious discomfort with it because of her upbringing.
• I've suggested she talk with someone, to get advice. She has a couple of friends who have been married much longer and have offered to chat anytime she wants to about sex...but she feels awkward talking to anyone but me about sex.
• I've suggested she come on here and get advice. She's been receptive to the idea but has never followed through and actually signed up for an account or posted anything...but we have read/skimmed the boards together from time to time.
• I've heard that vibrators can be helpful, so we bought a we-vibe. We've used it 3-4 times in the 3 months or so we've had it, and it's pretty much been like when I touch her--it reaches a point where it feels too intense and she turns it off.

Sex is getting to the point where it almost feels selfish since I always have an orgasm and she never does. I really want to be able to serve her in bed, but I'm not sure what to try next.

Any suggestions for what to try now? We're planning a weekend away for 4 weekends from now (as a join 6 month anniversary / valentine's day thing). It'd be great if we can make some progress on this before than, or while we're away.

Thanks!

[tician]

Hi Rubyist!

My wife and I have been married for 2 years now, and although she can have an orgasm by herself, she still hasn't had one with stimulation from me, so I know something of what you're going through! I think it's a great sign that your wife enjoys it when you touch her, it means that you've got somewhere to go from!

Do you think your wife understands that this is an important part of your sexual relationship? On the one hand, you don't want to put pressure on her and make sex all about her orgasm, because that will certainly kill the fun of it, but on the other hand you don't want to ignore it either.

You say that usually your wife doesn't let you touch her during LM. I think that's a good place to start improving, rather than aiming for orgasms straight away. There's obviously something about it that makes her uncomfortable, and I think until this is dealt with in her mind it will be very hard for her to let go enough to have an orgasm.

Maybe tell her how much you love touching her, and how important a part of LM it is for you. Communicate to her that you want it to be something you do every (or nearly every) time you ML, and talk with her why she doesn't like it.

Talking with friends is a great idea, it could really help her. Would it make it easier if you as a couple spoke to another couple you both know well? That way you could bring it up in a gentle way, and it doesn't put her under so much pressure to bring it up. Or perhaps you could contact one of your friends and organise a time that just her and her friend can talk, so that they know sex is on the agenda without your wife having to bring it up? Of course, you'll have to take this advice with a grain of salt - you know better than I do if this will help your wife or just make it more awkward.

But I want to encourage you to be gentle and patient with your wife, but determined too. This is an important part of your marriage - you shouldn't let it slide, but that doesn't mean everything has to get fixed all at once either! (That's a lesson I'm still learning.)

Hope this helps. Praying for you guys.

[blushingwife]

I never had an O with DH until we had been married for 10 years.
I too experienced that "too intense" feeling, and lose all the buildup
What she needs to do is REALLY working on relaxing, breathing slowly and deeply and try to take her mind to a relaxing place. Doing deep relaxation technique outside the bedroom could help her reach that calm state. I learned it by doing birth relaxation CDs! lol

Hope this helps!

[mom2three]

As a wife who's never orgasmed [but working on it /sigh/], talk to her about it openly. I know that I can fully enjoy sex without attempting to bring me to an O and there's nights when I know it's not going to happen. If we were to try on those nights, I would end up even more upset and frustrated than I do on the nights I want to try. Does that make sense? She, of course, need to be honest with you about it, but when DH pushes me to try on nights when I'm just flat not interested for whatever reason [amount of time we have, how late it is, how tired I am, feeling it's not going to happen anyway, etc], it's kind of annoying [and he knows that]. Eventually, I hope to be able to O at will like others around here but for now DH has learned not to push me on those nights and we can still ML and make up for it on others.

Does she have a good relationship with her doc? I finally talked to mine about a month ago and she gave me an Rx [see the 'is there a crying icon' thread below this one for more] that may or may not help. Regardless, her doc might have some good advice for her [from my OB nurse before this: glass of wine and a vibrator - it has now been expanded to include the Rx].

Good luck.

Mom2[Four]