Is there anything *I* can do?

[Miri]

I'm looking for advice. I posted last week that my marriage was in trouble, that I didn't feel in love with my spouse...one of the problems is that, while he doesn't look at porn technically, every single day he looks at playboy-style pictures on the Internet. He found a site that has tons of pictures of girls in their underwear in provocative poses, and he figures this isn't porn so it's okay.

He knows it bothers me deeply but he refuses to stop this. He told me that if I were "friendlier," i.e. had sex with him more often, he wouldn't look at those pictures. Which isn't true at all, because the same day we've had sex he still goes and looks at these dirty pictures for twenty minutes before he goes to bed.

He's also told me that I'm being too controlling by asking him to stop looking at the pictures.

I don't know if there is anything at all *I* can do. He doesn't think there's anything wrong with what he's doing. He doesn't care that it bothers me. He won't go to counselling. Also, he isn't a believer.

In this situation, is there anything at all that I can do, that I can say, to help him understand how this is hurting our marriage? I feel completely hopeless. Is there something I can get him to read? Anything?

[Leah in Mid-South]

Here are some things you can do:

1. Read Boundaries and put the principles into practice.
2. Find a group like SAnon for yourself.
3. Do some sort of recovery program for yourself. SAnon would be one. Recovery Nation would be another.

That would be a good start to help you find healthy ways to deal with your husband's problem.

[Miri]

Thank you. I am waiting for Boundaries-- my library has it but someone else has it checked out right now. Thank you for the links.

[Seekryt]

Exactly what Leah said.

I've also found TMB helpful, so that when I'm feeling frustrated, instead of stewing or taking it out on someone else, I have a safe place to vent. I prefer that over someone fact to face that I know because I tend to rant a little.

[JohnnyChristlike]

At this point, I would agree that there's nothing you can do other than praying for him. It takes two willing and supportive spouses to overcome a situation like this and it sounds like you're the only one in the boat willing to row. He sounds unrepentant and unapologetic. There are those such as myself that could argue that when a man is in RECOVERY his wife can play a vital role in helping to minimize his vulnerabilities by making sure his physical needs are met, but as of right now you wouldn't fall into that category because he doesn't feel like he's doing anything wrong and doesn't seem to care about changing.

[Headsong]

Back up the truck.

We always assume that folks that come here, and their spouses, are Christ followers.

First off, is he a believer? If not, stop. He has no power, much bigger problems than looking at girls. If so, proceed.

He's addicted to the chemical rush in the brain, guaranteed. Your clue is that after sex, he looks at pix for 20 min before bed. He needs a hit. Plain and simple. It's the same reaction in the brain as crack based on studies. IT's that potent. And addictive. If he doesn't thing there's anything wrong with it, then I suppose he'd be ok letting everyone know. And he's ok that it hurts you deeply, and he's ok holding this over your head. That might be three strikes. Yes, it is. He's excusing his behavior and the need for the rush. God didn't come to switch our desires to things of the world. He came to restore us to Him, and our desires FOR Him.

What can you do? Pray for him. And tell him, calmly, how deeply this hurts you. And then, what everyone else said.