Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
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bigloop
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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby bigloop » Wed Feb 15, 2017 7:56 am

You have just identified your triggers. Do something positive with that knowledge now. Formulate a better way to address them. Don't let this opportunity pass you by just white-knuckling through it. Be proactive.

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Wed Feb 15, 2017 11:51 am

Just an update for those reading this. I was successful in resisting temptation this weekend. Thanks to those who were praying for me over this time. DW and I had a good talk about the things that brought this on, prior to Valentine's Day., and did a checkup on how things are going given our new way of dealing with intimacy. Ill start a new thread discussing that later. I'm a little short on time right now. I'm just thankful that I was able to resist this weekend. It was kind of educational to observe all the different convolutions my flesh went through to bring the sin to fruition. At first it was outright porn, then maybe movies that I know probably have graphic sex scenes. I am noticing more and more it is extremely hard to find any movies that do not include gratuitous sex scenes. Even a tv series we've been watching called "Canada's Worst Driver", seems to feel obligated to have a couple ladies on the show dressed provocatively. Fortunately I only watch with my wife.

BTW, I was discussing the whole trigger thing with DW, regarding her struggles with food. The way she talks about her struggle with food is eerily similar to my struggle with porn.
This is my beloved and this is my friend. Song of Solomon 5:16

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Wed Mar 15, 2017 1:09 am

I realized today I hadn't posted on this thread for awhile, so I thought I'd post on how it's been. I have had one almost relapse but was able to resist.Libido was good for awhile, but lately as been down again. Mostly this is because of different things going on in our lives. It's just as well, as DW is scheduled to have hip replacement surgery the first week of April, so intimacy will be on hold for who knows how long. I would think at least three months or more. I will count the 18th of March as officially being three month porn free. It is still a temptation at times, in the same way that smoking is, even though it's been over thirty years since I smoked. All in all I feel good in how God has helped me walk through this.
Still struggling with how to handle intimacy with DW, but as I said this will soon be a non-issue for at least a few months soon. I'm just focusing on helping her with arranging the surgery and getting her through this right now.
This is my beloved and this is my friend. Song of Solomon 5:16

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby bigloop » Wed Mar 15, 2017 7:08 am

The smoking thing is something you should pay attention to. You are correct in that the temptations are very much alike - and one way is that it will decline, but every now and then show up with no explanation and with a vengeance.
Also it is important to see the connection with all addictions. Getting rid of one makes another more dangerous. You must replace it with good or more bad will take its place.

I hope you get through the medical situation with your wife well. I know you will be focused on her care for a while and that will help. But don't think you can just white knuckle your way through it all. That would result in disaster. Don't be afraid to ask your wife for "help" otherwise. I'm sure she'd be understanding and willing. She may need her own attention in that way and I'm sure you'd happily supply.

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Sat Mar 18, 2017 5:48 pm

Ok I don't understand this at all. DW is working today,so have a lot of time on my hands. I'm pretty exhausted from working two long shifts, one almost fifteen hours, the other around twelve. At times like these I read. A lot. Anyway I found myself reading forum posts about cheating spouses. Not the graphic type, that would cause arousal. The kind that are painful to read, posted by the cheated spouse expressing how hurt they were. What is with that? In my marriage I'm the one who was unfaithful. My wife has never given me reason to suspect her of any such thing, so I don't think I'm looking for a reason to suspect her. I don't get it.
This is my beloved and this is my friend. Song of Solomon 5:16

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby SeekingChange » Sat Mar 18, 2017 5:54 pm

Could you be trying to get a glimpse into your wife and her perspective?
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Sat Mar 18, 2017 5:57 pm

Maybe. It feels pretty masochistic to me, almost a mental version of cutting.
This is my beloved and this is my friend. Song of Solomon 5:16

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby SeekingChange » Sat Mar 18, 2017 6:00 pm

Not if you want better understanding. I know several people who were brought to conviction by reading the other side's perspective.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Sat Mar 18, 2017 6:14 pm

SeekingChange wrote:I know several people who were brought to conviction by reading the other side's perspective.

I can believe that.
This is my beloved and this is my friend. Song of Solomon 5:16

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Sat Mar 25, 2017 5:25 am

Another week gone w/o any slips, although there was some temptation. The most notable attacks in the area of lust has not been porn, but rather from guys at work pointing out the immodest dress of some of the young girls at my job. It's very strange to me to feel the temptation to indulge, yet have a sense of not being able to go there. I can only put it down to God's grace towards me, as only a few moths ago, I would have given in, even as I hated myself for doing it.
Intimacy in my marriage is still down, even though we had sex twice this week. Once was my offering to take care of DW, even though my heart was not into it, and once was the same from DW for me. I find myself putting up walls to keep from feeling hurt, and also to make it so DW doesn't feel pressured over sex, especially at this time. I don't like what I see there, but maybe it's necessary right now? I'm struggling with my decision to let go of all expectations from DW sexually. Intellectually I know that soon sex won't even be possible for awhile, but I can see no hope of anything changing at all, even after DW has healed, so I have to find a way to accept the status quo, and love her well anyway. In a thread someone mentioned the term "Reset Sex". This pattern has been the story of our marriage for the last 25 years or more, and I always fall into the trap of hoping things will be different this time. I know God has a plan for me, but a fulfilling sex life does not seem to be part of it. God grant that I'm able to accept this w/o getting bitter....
This is my beloved and this is my friend. Song of Solomon 5:16

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Thu Mar 30, 2017 8:38 am

struggling today- had been looking forward to intimacy with DW this morning, but seems she's come down with a stomach bug. Feels like the story of my life....
This is my beloved and this is my friend. Song of Solomon 5:16

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby SeekingChange » Thu Mar 30, 2017 8:58 am

Praying for you . . .
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Fri Mar 31, 2017 4:42 am

SO...... I was successful in not resorting to porn, for which I'm thankful. In the midst of it I found myself struggling to think clearly, and getting a little resentful towards DW, even though I know it's not her fault. Finally took matters into my own hands, so to speak. Not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand it helped me get back to a semblance of sanity, OTOH did not tell DW and that feels like it could eventually destroy intimacy, if that continues to be my solution for such situations, even if I focus on thoughts of DW during it. Telling her would only make her feel bad or feel like a failure as a wife. Not telling her makes me feel like I'm keeping secrets from her. Thoughts?
This is my beloved and this is my friend. Song of Solomon 5:16

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby bigloop » Fri Mar 31, 2017 5:20 am

It is quite the quandary, the proverbial "rock and hard place." The uncomfortable answer is two fold IMO. You have to talk to her about those feelings. Give her the opportunity to either help you or free you. If she chooses neither, you have to expose her selfishness. I say that with some hesitation because it's not like she has to always be at your every beck and call. You must practice a little bit of delayed gratification and self control. But every now and then a man has needs - just like she has needs. The actual needs may be different but that does not disqualify them from being a need. If you were consistently ignoring those deep needs of hers she would feel hurt, ignored, unloved -just to name a few negative feelings. Sometimes her need may be to be left alone. That's fine - sometimes. Sometimes your need might be to have some release. That's fine too.
Bottom line, you won't reach a peaceful solution without honest, communication full of grace and unselfishness.

She may surprise you either way. It may very well depend on how you approach it. What you fell "victim" to is likely a combination of pure physical need for release and emotional need for connection. She no doubt has the ability to help you address both and it doesn't have to involve PIV or OS every time. Open your mind first then seek to help open her's. What your emotional side needs is engagement with her - the feeling that she cares about your needs. No different than she feels about you - just on different things.

I would also suggest, at this moment, let yourself up. Self gratification is not necessarily always a bad or sinful thing in my opinion. Others may disagree. Your wife may disagree. But if she does, she must also admit she then has a definitive role in your life in the sexual realm that she cannot ignore - otherwise she's just a selfish individual and you've got a whole other level of issues to address. I doubt that is the case.

If she would truly feel like a failure as a wife knowing you turned to masturbation - that would seem to indicate that she understands her role and for some reason can't find herself meeting it. She will have to be willing to get deep inside to find those reasons and be willing to change some things. You must be willing to help if that is the case.

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby SeekingChange » Fri Mar 31, 2017 5:36 am

I don't know if my thoughts really matter since I am not a man. I would say, ultimately the best is to be open and communicate. Share your need, give her the first choice to fulfill it, and if she can't, let her know you will be taking care of it yourself.

I know my tendency when things are off between us, it's much easier and "safer" to take things into my own hands. But, he could walk in immediately afterwards and it wouldn't hinder my ability to have IC with him. With where he is in life at the moment, I also feel like I am saving him from bothering him. This probably sounds bad, but it works for us, but last night, he was working late, on his computer, in our room. I was ready to go to sleep, and because he was actually present, I just asked, "Do you want to take care of your wife or should I take care of myself?" Maybe it made him feel used and abused, though his eyes and immediate response says otherwise...and I would have taken care of myself with him present, not for show, but I wouldn't have hidden in privacy. But, the decision became fully his, and then I wouldn't have had to try to be sneaky about what I would have done otherwise. I definitely wouldn't have gone and sought him out if he was elsewhere.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Fri Mar 31, 2017 7:15 am

bigloop
I think you're right hat it was a combination of physical need and emotional need. i was feeling a little raw emotionally, partly because of recently realizing how my past sill affects the way I relate to people in general, and the fact that we have not been intimate in a mutually gratifying way in awhile. We had sex a couple of times this week, but slowly it is becoming the default that she is just taking care of me. That being the case, it's feels easier and more loving to just take care of myself, but does nothing for the emotional connection with her I crave.
As to talking to her about it, I have no confidence she would be honest with me about it, just as I don't think she's honest with me, or herself for that matter, about how my sin has affected her . She will always default to whatever she thinks will make the situation easier. She avoids confrontation or hard discussions like the plague, on almost all levels in her life.

SC

I did take care of myself once, early in our marriage when she was sick due to being pregnant with our daughter, and she became highly upset. Looking back, it was probably more about my attitude towards her, than the fact that I took care of myself, nevertheless it's not something I would do again, meaning taking care of myself in her presence. Why take the chance of hurting her, or making her feel inadequate?

FTR, this is the first time, in a very, very long time I have felt the need to take care of myself. I usually can just kind of stuff it down and move on to other things pretty easily. As for DW, I think she is saving up her release for this weekend for one spectacular last hurah before her surgery, which Lord willing will take place on Monday
This is my beloved and this is my friend. Song of Solomon 5:16

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby poetess » Fri Mar 31, 2017 12:44 pm

Once you get past the surgery and recovery, it seems worth asking her the question of what she wants.

Before my husband and I married, I told him I wanted "the right of first refusal." I would want to know if he felt a strong enough need that he would resort to masturbation if I wasn't available, and if possible I would make myself available. In our marriage one time he was going on a business trip without me and one time I was sick for a week, and both times I specifically told him, "If you need to masturbate, it's OK." It would bother me a bit if I knew he'd masturbated other than those two occasions (I'm pretty sure he didn't take advantage of those times, but he could have), because his sexuality isn't for only him anymore.

But find out from your wife what she wants in that situation.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Sat Apr 01, 2017 6:23 am

^^^ That would be great if I trusted she would be honest about it, but I don't. I'm skeptical of most things she says with regard to our sex life, because mostly it seems she'll say whatever it takes to keep the peace. I know that sounds cynical, but there it is.
This is my beloved and this is my friend. Song of Solomon 5:16

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby poetess » Sat Apr 01, 2017 6:52 am

So, if she gives you an answer that is other than what she really wants, and you act accordingly to her answer, that's "her problem," it seems to me. But if you ask, and then act accordingly to her answer (whether or not it's what she really wants), that might help her understand a little about the give-and-take of how sex is supposed to work. Maybe even tell her she doesn't have to answer right away, since you want to make sure it's her real answer?
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Lack of sex drive due to porn reboot

Postby TJC » Sun Apr 02, 2017 4:36 am

poetess

How she would react to how I handle those situations is indeed her problem if we had an agreement in place. In a larger sense, my concern is not only what DW thinks of it,or how it will affect our marriage, but more importantly acting in an honorable way in my Lord's eyes.There is no doubt MB could easily become a habit to avoid the risk of being rejected not physically, but with regard to connection. Frankly the physical release is more intense. I state in the thread "Why do you look at porn", that the biggest reason I continued over the years, was I saw it as safer than actually dating. Truth is when I met DW, she picked me up, not the other way around. She also insured a second date, by taking my dog tags, so I would have to see her again. If not for that, nothing would ever have happened between us.
The truth is MB, even when DW is ok with it, detracts from our intimacy. Even when done with my focus being on memories of past intimacy with her, it is a safer path emotionally than pursuing her, which is a huge part of my attraction to porn. I's a slippery slope.
This is my beloved and this is my friend. Song of Solomon 5:16


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