Pregnancy?

[Iloveher1030]

Hello, iv been comming to this site for 2 years or so now simply because i feel that it is an honest look on sex and married life and not some secular agenda, or super religious thing. Iv had an account before but i cant remember the login haha.

Let me start by saying we are young, 20, but have gone out for 4 and 1/2 years now. We got engaged this year and are planning to get married this upcomming year.
Back about 2 years ago, she had just gone off to college and somehow we ended up have sex on the regular basis. Now we both had commited to purity and we knew we broke it. After about a year we both felt really bad about it and finally broke ourselves of having sex. At the begining of December this year, after 2 years we messed up and had sex. We asked God to forgive us and havent even done much kissing since just to make sure things dont get started. With this being said i fear that God may punish us and that she may be pregnate. I feel that i can ask your all advice and be honest because iv read alot up here and things can be descriptive. It only lasted about 5 mins as i had to be at work in 30 so yeah aquickie. We did not use a condom as we did not plan on having sex until we got married. I pulled out as i did most of the time when we were having sex 2 years before, i know when to and thats not what we are worried about. See shes on the pill and for medical reasons. She has endometriosis. Heres the tricky part, she had missed a pill or 2 maybe a week before, and had her period, so this was her first day she was gonna start the pill back. As i said i did pull out so the thing we are nervous about is the odds of her getting prgnate off of preejaculate. I know its IS rare but i also know there is always a small chance. she hasnt had any signs yet and its been 3 weeks, but today i just had this bad feeling about it all and i havent worried about it since it happened.

[knight_of_god]

I don't know that there's much that can be offered you in the way of reassurance that she's not pregnant... And maybe that's not what you need most anyway. If she is, you can't change it, so hoping she's not wouldn't get you anywhere if she is. If she's not, then worrying isn't getting you anywhere either. So pray that God gives you patience to wait until there is a clear indication one way or the other, and peace to accept whatever the outcome. And above all, go to him in repentance and know that you are forgiven, and that even though you and your fiancee sinned he still forgives you and loves you and will work all things for your eternal good. God doesn't punish us for our sins; he punished Jesus. But sometimes he allows the natural consequences of our actions to come upon us as discipline, and that discipline is always for our good, and it's always in his control. If there's a child on the way, he'll work it out. If there's not, thank him for his grace but don't see yourself as off the hook. You have no business minimizing your sin in this matter by focusing on a lack of serious consequence.

My advice would be this: Focus less on whether or not she is pregnant and more on the necessary steps you and your fiancee need to take to make sure that from now until your wedding day you do not have sex again. Period. Focus less on paying attention to sex techniques that would avoid pregnancy; the only real sex technique that avoids pregnancy is abstinence, and until you're married you need to practice it. By the time your fiancee gets to when her period is supposed to start a pregnancy test should be able to tell if she's pregnant, so she ought to get one and use it if she's more than a day or two late. This is important because there are going to be a lot of planning and emotional issues that you two will have to work through if she is pregnant, and you want to give yourselves as much time as possible knowing the outcome. And finally, I think you should consider moving up the date of your wedding. If there are very good (and I mean they had better be good) reasons for waiting, then you need to keep distance from each other until the date of the wedding, but if not, don't wait. Tell your family that you're having trouble with temptation and you want to do the godly thing, invite them to join you at the church this weekend, get yourself a marriage license first thing in the morning, and ask the pastor to make it happen.

-KoG

[Iloveher1030]

Yes we have asked for forgivness for sure. I will be honest, 2 years ago when we stopped i really wasnt sorry nor wanted to stop really, i was alot more immature and didnt see why I should be sorry. Now after this past time iv felt so guilty, even during, it was not enjoyable at all...and i think thats great that i actually feel sorry this time. Maybe that was the lesson learned. We would love to move the date foward but i dont not have a 40 hour a week job yet. We have money saved up though.

As far as if shes pregnate or not, shes still taking her birth control like normal, so does that make waiting for her period invalid?

[knight_of_god]

It depends on the type of medication. Some only suppress the ovulation, so she'd still have her period as normal, but I know there are some newer ones that are supposed to actually make her have fewer periods. I guess I'd say when it's been 4-5 weeks since you had sex, a typical pregnancy test should be able to detect it.

I just wanted to address one of your statements. You said "I think it's great that I actually feel sorry this time." I too think it's a good thing that you're showing enough maturity to realize this is wrong and cannot continue, and that that's an improvement over the last time. But please don't focus on the fact that you feel sorry as a good sign that you will be able to overcome this. Our feelings are too fickle. Instead, focus on the fact that, sorry or not, Christ still forgives, and he is the only one who can give you the strength to stay pure until your wedding day.

As far as your job situation, when my wife and I got married I had a 24 hour a week job and we were both in college. We moved into a tiny apartment that only cost us $300 a month with utilities paid, and we were intensely frugal with our money. We made it work. It would be better to have to struggle a little financially for a season than to have to keep struggling to avoid sinning. I'd say, if the job is the only thing keeping you back, then don't wait. Talk to your parents and hers and make it happen.

-KoG

[Iloveher1030]

I have always had that attitude about getting married sooner. I belive it may be harder, but it CAn work as you said. My parents personally have said that we need the jobs and insurance and all of this other stuff BEFOREHAND and thats what she has listened to. Im at a 24-30 hour week job right now, and i may start more hours sooner as i am moving up very fast. Im going to try to have a talk with her and see if she would try to concider us making this sooner, thing is she really wants a wedding and not just to sign papers. Not really a HUGE wedding ,but she really wants one. Thank God that we will not have to pay for our wedding or honeymoon either way. That is a blessing itself.

I also know what you are saying about the sin thing. I do see that already i had a problem before because i was trying to justify it by saying God made the marriage rule because sex is supposed to be with someone you truely love, and we planned to marry even then. I see that was WAY wrong because God not only wants to to be someone you love, but he said MARRIED to.

[Iloveher1030]

Well i just tried to talk to my fiencee about getting married sooner and reasureing her that though we dont have it all we could get by and she just doesnt see it. She says what if i need to go to the doctor, or, why make things harder than they have to be. I think she just completely belive everything shes heard about it being too hard now and needing all this stuff and she belives it.

[knight_of_god]

I have a feeling you're right your fiancee having believed some poor information about what is necessary for a person to get married. But what if you and your fiancee haven't met all of her perceived financial requirements before the date you've set for your wedding? Will she ask you to postpone it? She needs to wrestle with that question and finally decide whether she trusts God enough to take this way out of temptation.

She says what if i need to go to the doctor

Health insurance can be very cheap if you're only covering a couple people. And there are all kinds of government programs available, as well as charitable organizations associated with individual hospitals and clinics. Health costs can be covered.

why make things harder than they have to be.

Sure seems to me like fighting the temptation to have sex, after having had it for a whole year some time ago and now again more recently, would be much harder, and much more of a tax on your spiritual lives and your relationship. How does a little financial difficulty compare to that?

I think she might need some objectivity in this discussion. Have the two of you talked to your pastor about your situation? Have you asked his help in battling temptation? I think you'd profit well from going with her to have an honest sit down with your pastor, because for one he would be able to better steer you toward the right course of action in regards to your wedding date, and for two he would be able to give you some good guidance in the meantime as to how to keep strong against temptation. Best of all, he can give you some Gospel comfort that will help you both refocus your relationship around Jesus Christ.

-KoG

[CubbieChuck]

Not to stray off topic.... but just some additional Christian counsel -- which is why you're here right?

#1- I believe God is more concerned with you honoring Him first in your hearts followed through with your actions. I don't think He is out to "get you" by punishing you for your sin. Not to say that sin doesn't have consequences. But just the whole idea that God's form of "punishment" is conceiving a human life is just beyond me how warped that is. I think one of the reasons you can put on your list of "Why NOT to Have Sex Before Marriage" is that you will grow into a healthier understanding of the sanctity of human life and how God intends to bless through conception.

#2- Where do you get your pregnancy facts? The truth is that nearly 90% of the sperm in an ejaculation is found in the 1st drop of pre-ejaculate. Don't think that pulling out is a low-risk birth control method. Just the opposite.

#3- I wouldn't make moving up the wedding date your first priority. To me it sounds like you have not exhausted even EASY methods of accountability and structure to help you keep your pants on. And lets not forget that it takes 2 to tango. Your FW needs to set up the same level of accountability so she keeps her pants on too. I think you will find these engaged months as a time of testing, difficulty, but also filled with growth and perseverence!

[Seekryt]

#2- Where do you get your pregnancy facts? The truth is that nearly 90% of the sperm in an ejaculation is found in the 1st drop of pre-ejaculate. Don't think that pulling out is a low-risk birth control method. Just the opposite.

That's inaccurate, actually. Pre-ejaculate contains no sperm.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12286905

[Luv2LuvHim]

#2- Where do you get your pregnancy facts? The truth is that nearly 90% of the sperm in an ejaculation is found in the 1st drop of pre-ejaculate. Don't think that pulling out is a low-risk birth control method. Just the opposite.

That's inaccurate, actually. Pre-ejaculate contains no sperm.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12286905

You beat me to it Seekryt!
CubbieChuck, if you do a review of the literature you'll find "pulling out" has upwards of 94-97% effectiveness rates....that's pretty high when you consider condoms and pills are also in the upper 90th percentiles.
Of course if a man has poor control or doesnt know his body well, may end up pulling out too late....and that's what brings down the effectiveness rate!

[robin]

If she hasn't had her period then get a pregnancy test. No need to continue worrying about it. Most tests are accurate 10 days after conception.

If you are going to marry her then start acting like a husband. Not with the privileges of married sex, but with the husbandly responsibilities of doing what is best for your spouse even when it comes to sacrificing your pleasure.

[Iloveher1030]

Thank you for all of the feedback, i do think i need to clarify. We did slip up this one but its been a month, we are set on my messing up again. She took 3 tests, all negs. Im thankful for that though. We will just have to try our hardest and have prayers out there for us as we keep pure until our wedding.

[knight_of_god]

Thank you for all of the feedback, i do think i need to clarify. We did slip up this one but its been a month, we are set on my messing up again. She took 3 tests, all negs. Im thankful for that though. We will just have to try our hardest and have prayers out there for us as we keep pure until our wedding.

Please take this as iron sharpening iron, and not as a slam, because I mean no offense:

How is "just trying your hardest" going to stop you from having sex? How has that worked out in the past?

The absolute best you can come up with in trying really hard not to have sex will never be enough, especially since you have had sex. You need a plan, brother. This would be a good start: Don't see each other again until the wedding. Feel free to exchange letters, emails, etc., talk on the phone lots, whatever, but give yourselves no opportunity whatsoever to be together. If you must see each other, always do so in the company of others, preferably adults, parents would be best. Give yourselves no opportunity to do anything.

I have an elderly member who comes to one of my Bible studies. He and his wife got to know each other by writing to each other while he was in the Navy. They met for the first time after 7 months of writing. They met for one evening at a dinner with a bunch of other people. He proposed to her there. They didn't see each other again for another 6 months (while he was still on duty). The next time they saw each other was on the day of their wedding. They didn't die from lack of seeing each other. And let me tell you, when she died last year, I have never seen a man look so much like he'd lost more than half of himself.

Make a plan. Stick with it. Ask God's blessing on your plan. Pray lots.

-KoG

[Gemma]

We will just have to try our hardest and have prayers out there for us as we keep pure until our wedding.

Basically you're saying, "We're going to try but if we slip up again, oh well, at least we tried." That way you're leaving yourselves "an out".

If it is really important for you and fw to live a sexually pure life until you're married, and it should be, then you'll both have to be committed to say, "We will not have sex, PERIOD! That means that even if one of you is remotely tempted to have sex, rather than giving in and agreeing, the other will not allow it. Not judging you, just giving you something to think about-- If you guys can't resist sexual sin now, what makes you think you'll be able to resist it after you're married? I lived in sexual sin prior to getting married. After that I spent YEARS living in guilt while thinking I could "atone" for my sexual sin by refusing sex with my dh. Pleasures for a moment.....

Gently saying, neither of you seem to be spiritually strong enough to be spending time alone as an unmarried couple. If you want to live sexually pure until the wedding, then establish some boundaries. No more time spent alone. When you do see each other it can only be in the presence of another trusted adult otherwise, it's a "no go". No exceptions! This will do way more for you both than simply saying, "Were going to try."