A virgin asking a non-virgin

[no1kobefan]

Hi,

I've been lurking for a while and I decided to ask a question. I hope someone can help me with a good answer because it's been keeping me up for months now.

My gf and I are both Christians. She attended a different church prior to attending mine. I have grown up all my life as a Baptist, and I am pretty conservative. So, we've been dating for 11 months now, we are both grounded in the word and we know that we would like to get engaged by June of next year, and married the following year.

We talk about a variety of subjects in our bible studies because we know it's important to have proper and healthy communication. Well, on one occassion, she admitted to me that while she was backsliding, she lost her virginity. I believe that it happened last year seeing as she had her first bf who took her out of church last year. He was also her first kiss, so I do believe he's the one.

I forgive her for what she has done. I love her and still want to be with her. It did break my heart to hear her admit that, but I forgive her. Christ forgave me.

I am a virgin, and now I am a bit concerned. I have two questions:

1. Is it ok for me to ask how many people she has been with? Or, if it's just one, how many times she slept with him?
2. Should I ask her to get tested for STD's?

The only reason that I would like to know number one is because I feel that it will give me a better grip on number two. This is a sensitive area for her, and although I know that's all in the past for her, I am a little bit scared because I never knew her last bf. I know of him, and that he's not a very good guy. I do not know his past, and as a result of my understanding that she lost her virginity to him, I wonder if it's proper to ask her to get tested for STD's.

I feel bad even thinking this way, but I never anticipated dating, much less marrying someone who wasn't pure. I don't care, I forgive her and love her. But, should she get tested? Is this proper? We are going to be engaged next year and this is something that has been on my heart. I am so lost.

God bless you guys. Hopefully I can get some good spiritual advice on the matter.

Jon

[Job29Man]

If your motivation for knowing number of partners is so you can better judge the STD question? Well... I think it doesn't much matter whether it was 1 guy or 2, she should probably get herself tested either way. The guy's "character" is not the issue. If he was not a virgin without sexual contact then he is a possible carrier of disease and so is she. She should forget the "stigma" and get tested like she would for strept throat or any other disease.

However since you are not engaged or even close to getting engaged yet I'd advise that it is not your place to insist on anything (I'm not saying you were insisting). You can advise her gently that testing is wise, but until you have a real "stake" in the matter I think that's really her call.

Good luck.

[robin]

I forgive her for what she has done. I love her and still want to be with her. It did break my heart to hear her admit that, but I forgive her. Christ forgave me.

I am a virgin, and now I am a bit concerned. I have two questions:

That's awful big of you. Especially considering she isn't your wife yet and what she does or doesn't do with her own body while it is still hers alone doesn't concern you and those actions aren't yours to forgive.

There is just a hint of concern here that you might always pull the virgin card in your darkest moments if you marry. Please consult the Lord in prayer on whether or not this is the right person for you. The whole, "Never thought I would marry someone unpure" thing combined with your "forgiveness" sends up some red flags.

As for STD testing and disclosure, you can ask for it, but be prepared to live with the possibility that she might not want to answer.

[blushingwife]

I had the same thoughts as Robin.

It also disturbs me A LOT that you equate purity with virginity.
Purity is a heart thing.
I knew several girls who were very proud of not having had sex, but who spoke and desired things that were far from chaste.
With this attitude, I too am afraid you will "pull the virgin card" years down the line after marrying this girl during an argument.
You need to be honest with yourself about whether you would ever be able to really get over the fact your wife was not a virgin when you married. It won't be fair to eiter of you if you can't. I would NOT want to marry somebody who saw me as unpure.

[Advokaat]

What Robin said.

+10

Get off your self-righteous high horse and down on your knees.

None of us is "pure".

Sexual sin is like any other sin - it's sin.

Either love her for who she is, virgin or not, or move on. She has to accept you with all of your past failings and shortcomings too.

Do you think God "sees" her past mistake?

No, of course He doesn't.

So, exactly who do you think you are?

[Mr. Rkt]

I'm going to make a similar point to those above, but hopefully with a much gentler tone. I've been in your shoes, and they are not firmly planted in the stirrups of a high horse. Rather, there is a feeling of insecurity that you are dealing with, and it is coupled with a still developing understanding of what sexuality and purity is all about.

When you described the way the two of you are now, you described sexual purity -- for both of you. You are both forgiven for all your sins, sexual and otherwise, mental and physical. Granted, there are consequences to what she did, but she has cleansed herself and come to you in purity, and I'm getting that from your own post. If you are to be her husband, then you will be her one and only for the rest of her life. That is a tremendous commitment of love and a devotion to fidelity and purity, and she deserves to know that you have put her sin as far away as east is from the west.

You've discussed it with her, and you know all you need to know. I do believe that as part of her normal gynocological visits before marriage, that she should bring this up to her doctor and inquire about any testing -- not because it is critical to whether you marry her, but just so that you both know what you're getting into, and what treatments she might require. The chances are that she has nothing, but her doctor can address that with her.

From there, the issue isn't really about her. It's about you. Your virginity is precious, and a gift to her, something that she will love and respect. But it doesn't really belong to you, it belongs to the Lord, the only one to whom you are pledged right now. Thank God for the grace not to have fallen to physical temptation yourself, and also for giving her the maturity and strength to cease sin and repent, and walk in the other direction.

You may be married to this woman for 60 years or more. At some point, this experience from her early years will mean nothing at all, because in practicality, all of her sexual experience will be with you. You and she will spend a lifetime together learning about each other, how to please each other, and how to love each other. You will also need to protect her, and that means handling her precious being with tender, loving hands, without judgment, and recognizing the gift of purity that she is bringing into your marriage.

[no1kobefan]

Thank you guys for your honest answers and honest concerns. Especially the last poster.

I honestly have forgiven her. I have not brought it up once since she mentioned it months ago. I love her a lot and I realize that no one is perfect. I even told her the that the only thing that matters is us, from here on out.

The only reason that I used pure to describe the experience is because when she brought it to my attention, that's the word she used to describe it to me. She said she wasn't pure anymore. I asked what that meant exactly, to which she replied she wasn't a virgin.

I never meant for my post to be self-righteous in any way. I know that I have made lots of mistakes before too. I just wanted some honest opinions and ideas from good Christian people.

Thanks for your concerns and replies. As for prayer, you bet that I have been in deep prayer for us. I have been since the day we met.

ETA: I know that I don't have the right or power to forgive people in that nature. My words have come across improperly or have been taken out of context. In using that word, as a Christian man who wants to marry another Christian woman, I mean that I have accepted what she has done. I understand that no one is perfect and I am ok with it. I am not going to hold it against her. I used forgive as a synonym there; I meant it as an encompassing word for accept.

Jon

[mamame]

Jon, thanks for coming back to clarify.

Unfortunately we've seen people here with a much different attitude, they very much felt they were better than their future wife, and pretty much had the attitude that she would have to spend the rest of her life making it up to him.

Really, really, glad to know that's not where you're coming from

Welcome.

[GaryP74]

My fiancee and I are both facing the same situation, our wedding is in April. Neither of us are virgins.

I've decided to get myself tested and not tell her if it's negative...because I want that peace of mind to know that I'm not bringing disease into our marriage. But, I'm not asking her to do it. I don't want to make her feel any worse than she already does.

We are both repentant for having done this to each other, but the insecurity it caused in both of us doesn't seem to go under the blood. We hope the premarital counselor can give us some good advice based in God's word.

[mamame]

Gary - you are wise to address this now. You can get a lot of work done before the wedding which will really help.

As a woman who was not a virgin when I married - I can tell you that my husband completely re-wrote my sexual identity. I had never had sex as a WIFE before. I had never experienced sex blessed by God until my husband.

Unfortunately, there are still some consequences that come up. There are insecurities, and negative beliefs that have to dealt with. Don't be afraid to talk about it. It's not an overcomable problem. God can use this to the benefit of your marriage. He's SO cool like that.

[GaryP74]

Thanks for that reassurance, mamame. I would like to hear about those "consequences" and "negative beliefs" and how God was victorious, if you or any others would like to share them. I'm going to start a new subject so not to hijack.

[sactown]

I have two questions:

1. Is it ok for me to ask how many people she has been with? Or, if it's just one, how many times she slept with him?

It's really important that you are completely honest with yourself regarding this question. Is this only about STD's or are you wondering if she will be comparing you to previous guys?

2. Should I ask her to get tested for STD's?

This request is completely reasonable IMO to clear the air and get some peace of mind, especially for things as serious as AIDS.

[no1kobefan]

A lot of fruitful discussion on here. I thank God that we are able to have edifying conversation like this. It's good to know that other people are out there facing the same things.

To the last poster, I don't care much about a number or comparisons. To me, both of those are childish. I was under the impression that only having one prior partner would lessen your chances, that's all. To be honest, since that is in the past, I'd rather not know. Like I said, I think it's important for us to look forward from this point on. I just had an honest question in regards to testing and was wondering if it was warranted, or if it was something that I was just going to have to pray about.

Thank you guys again.

BTW, I myself am curious about some of the consequences. I've read a lot about that stuff and I can only pray that a strong relationship in God will heal all guilt and remorse that any parties might have. As of, I continue to pray daily for the Lord to strengthen us and keep us holy in his sight.

Jon

[Mr. Rkt]

no1kobefan, you might also want to read this thread.

[boaz4ruth]

no1kobefan:

I'm a little confused. Were the two of you in a comitted relationship when she had sex with someone else? If not, she's really done nothing for which you need to forgive her. Her sin was against herself, the guy in question, and God. You were not involved in any way, and so it would concern me a little if you felt you needed to forgive her.

Now, if she had been dishonest with you, and kept this information from you until your wedding, that would have been a problem. But on the contrary, it sounds like she wanted to get this out in the open as soon as possible.

As far as the fact that she is not a virgin, take the case of Rahab in the book of Joshua. If you follow the ancestory of Christ, you will see that Rahab, the harlot, was an ancestor of The Messiah!


As far as testing ... well, yeah, I think that would be a reasonable precaution. But I wouldn't bring it up until you're engaged.

[mamame]

Clay are you saying that the problem with your marriage is that your wife was not a virgin? That seems like the least of your problems. The fact that she lied to you is something entirely different than the fact that she was not a virgin.

[mr. emu]

But don't be so quick to devalue the treasure you still have. Especially if she doesn't value this as much as you do.

The poster mentioned "making lots of mistakes," but I didn't sense that he was devaluing the treasure of his virginity (nor that his girlfriend was) ... are you sure that's in there?

And bear in mind that you ARE signing up for far more emotional baggage than you realize.

I think the reason he was asking wiser others here was so that he could figure out more of the emotional baggage that he was not yet realizing. And "signing up," well, that doesn't say much for love ... the agape kind ... does it?

Many of the scars, bioglogically and psychologically are there forever.

They certainly can be there forever ... but in Christ, the scars can also be transformed into something beautiful. Please trust that I'm not denying any of your pain or experiences, but I don't think that your perspective is as universal as you think in this case. Peace to you, brother.

And to Jon ... keep asking your honest questions here ... the collective wisdom--even that w/ which you don't agree--will be helpful. Peace to you, too.

[Paul B]

Some facts:

• Among all girls 14-19, 25% have at least one STD
• Among those who admit to having had sex at least once, 40% have an STD
• Many STDs can exist in a woman without any symptoms

Given that, it seems to me that ANY ONE who has sex EVEN ONCE needs to be tested ASAP. If you love someone who has had sex, I think your love and concern for their health, and even their life, compels you to beg them to get tested.

Paul

Resource:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-03-11-std_n.htm

[robin]

Some facts:

• Among all girls 14-19, 25% have at least one STD
• Among those who admit to having had sex at least once, 40% have an STD
• Many STDs can exist in a woman without any symptoms

Given that, it seems to me that ANY ONE who has sex EVEN ONCE needs to be tested ASAP. If you love someone who has had sex, I think your love and concern for their health, and even their life, compels you to beg them to get tested.

Paul

Resource:
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-03-11-std_n.htm

Unfortunately HIV and Hepatitis is all they really care about. It's all they can really DO anything about. HPV has no treatment unless there are symptoms. Syphilis, gonorrhea, herpes all of those would have brought symptoms by now.

I think it's fab to ask for STD testing, don't get me wrong. I just think there needs to be a ring first.

[no1kobefan]

Again, much wise advice.

My question was just more of a concern. We do want to get married and we do seriously love each other. That being said, my question was meant to address whether or not this this something that will need to be, or should be, discussed in the future. I was unaware of where to even begin on this subject and whether or not it was a legitimate topic to be concerned or worried about, thus my inquiry. In reading many responses and praying, I am coming to more of a definitive conclusion.

I would never dare ask now, we are not engaged nor married. However, my question mostly pertained to future events seeing as our relationship was getting very serious. We would like to get engaged soon. If not officially, unofficially. I just wanted a bit more clarification on the grounds for continuing to have a healthy relationship, and someday marriage, in regards to the physicality and reality of the situation at hand.

Thank you, and God bless. If you remember, please pray for us.

Jon