Just another struggling engaged couple.

[42isaverb]

I know there are probably tons of threads already similar to this one.
I'm really at a low point and am not sure where to turn. My fiance and I are getting married in June. He had one sexual experience before our relationship, several years ago. I had none. We are both in college. I am a missions major and we plan on doing mission work together.

I grew up in a Christian home and have been commited to sexual purity until marriage. He did not grow up in a Christian home, and has learned the value of sexual purity.

Since we began our relationship, the physical aspect has been a constant struggle for us. We go in circles. A few weeks, we will be really careful, and then we will give in when it becomes to difficult. Just a few weeks ago, we had sex. It was my first time; his second. It seems he feels guilty every time we pass those boundaries, but it doesn't seem to haunt him like it does me. I'm feeling depressed, and my grades have fallen. I'm terrified someone will find out, and terrified that I'm somehow pregnant (although I have no reason to believe I am).

We have tried and tried. At this point, God feels so far away, and I don't believe it when we say "We are going to make things right."
I'm just wondering if it's too far gone. Should we move the date up and get married sooner to prevent more sin? Or should we make sure our relationship is right in the sight of God before making that commitment?

I guess I just need some input. If there is a way to make this right, I don't know where to begin.

[robin]

Please understand that I am in no way minimalizing your situation. Honestly, this is the best advice I can give you.

Ask God for forgiveness.

Receive that forgiveness for yourself.

Forgive your partner.

Move on.

You are flesh. Flesh sins. If we didn't there would have been no reason for Christ to die for us. His sacrifice is there for a reason. Lean on it and let the guilt go.

[landschooner]

I know there are probably tons of threads already similar to this one.
I'm really at a low point and am not sure where to turn. My fiance and I are getting married in June. He had one sexual experience before our relationship, several years ago. I had none. We are both in college. I am a missions major and we plan on doing mission work together.

I grew up in a Christian home and have been commited to sexual purity until marriage. He did not grow up in a Christian home, and has learned the value of sexual purity.

Since we began our relationship, the physical aspect has been a constant struggle for us. We go in circles. A few weeks, we will be really careful, and then we will give in when it becomes to difficult. Just a few weeks ago, we had sex. It was my first time; his second. It seems he feels guilty every time we pass those boundaries, but it doesn't seem to haunt him like it does me. I'm feeling depressed, and my grades have fallen. I'm terrified someone will find out, and terrified that I'm somehow pregnant (although I have no reason to believe I am).

We have tried and tried. At this point, God feels so far away, and I don't believe it when we say "We are going to make things right."
I'm just wondering if it's too far gone. Should we move the date up and get married sooner to prevent more sin? Or should we make sure our relationship is right in the sight of God before making that commitment?

I guess I just need some input. If there is a way to make this right, I don't know where to begin.

i agree with Robin. We all have fallen. How do you make this right?

Ask the Lord for forgiveness and move on.

What did Christ say?

10 Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” 11 She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.” John 8:10-11 (English Standard Version)

i don't understand waiting to make sure your relationship is right before getting married. I mean, if you're not sure if you two should get married anyway regardless of this issue, I understand, but if you are in doubt BECAUSE of this issue, I don't get it. I've heard it before but it doesn't make sense to me in light of scripture. What scripture? Well the all famous 1 Cor 7!

What does the Apostle Paul say to do if you lack self control? Abstain from marriage? Is that what he said? Lets see the text.

1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

6 Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. 7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.

8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion. 1 Corinthians 7:1-9 (English Standard Version)

Hm. Sounds to me that the bible says, that if you are aflame with passion, that you should GET MARRIED......and not only that, once you get married, that to please God, you need to KEEP having sex regularly and continually and that you can only abstain for a short time IF you both agree, otherwise, you need to keep having sex with your husband frequently.

Whose advice is it to refrain from marriage if you lack self control? Sounds a bit OPPOSITE from what Paul is saying here. Now, it could be that you weren't really that "into" this guy until you got physical with him and this has clouded your emotions etc. I'm not saying that you SHOULD marry this particular person, but if you both were fully intending to marry and this seemed like a good match etc., and because of your lack of self control you blew it, as many many many Christian couples have done. (many that I know - My wife and I didn't go all the way but we went too far also) then why would you DELAY marriage? If anything, you should move up the date. This part is just my two cents (The last part about 1Cor 7 and Paul - that was God's two cents : ) but why not get married over Christmas? Yes, school, jobs, family, The Big Wedding, all of that....but if you really are having trouble staying pure with each other, then just get married. I mean, if you think you guys can abstain, then by all means, abstain, but if you can't, then do what Paul recommends and GET MARRIED. Sure you may disappoint your family and even yourselves, but so what? Yes we do and should care, but is it more pressing to wait just to please people or to get married as the bible recommends?

Reiterating: I'm not saying to get married or not. But if you think this is the man for you, regardless of having had sex with him or not, then the fact that you are having trouble staying pure would suggest to me, in light of 1Cor 7, that not only should you NOT delay marriage, but that marriage is the recommended course of action.

[j+j]

Hey 42isaverb,

I really feel for you and understand what you and your fiancee are going through. My fiancee and I were in a very similar pattern for a large part of our relationship. For the last few years we have gone in cycles of seeking forgiveness and trying to abstain from sexual intimacy, only to tip over the edge when things got too difficult. After we got engaged, we were determined for things to change in preparation for our marriage - probably with a similar thinking to you about getting it right before we make that commitment.

Things did change, but not immediately. Just being engaged and having an end in sight didn't make it any easier to stay true to our convictions - it possibly made it harder. What made the difference in the end was changing our behaviour to remove the things that obviously caused us to stumble. You see, for some reason, amongst my group of christian peers, there seems to have grown a trend that long-term couple (not married) are willing to share a bed at each other's houses. My fiancee and I started doing this after about 18 months of dating, and justified it by the fact that she lived an hour away and I would "need" to stay over.
After going around and around in circles with this cycle of sexual sin, we started to consider getting some advice from an older couple we felt we could share with. The thing was, we didn't even need to do that. Just thinking about how that conversation would go, we realised that the first thing they would say is "Why on earth are you sharing a bed? Of course you're going to fall to temptation! You're opening the door and welcoming it in, cooking it a delicious dinner, and then trying your hardest not to enjoy the festivities".

The pattern was pretty clear to us. Although we often feel attracted and aroused by one another when we are just hanging out together, the danger spot was definitely the bed. So we made the tough decision to cut this from our relationship. I say tough because it honestly affected our relationship in a number of ways:
1. Having gotten used to this, it was like we had moved into that level of married-couple intimacy already. Removing it has really caused a level of reduced intimacy in our relationship to some degree, which is hard.
2. It is less convenient. We still live a fair distance from one another, and don't have too many opportunities to see one another. Therefore, if we're hanging out at one person's house in the evening, and maybe need to be around there the next morning, it is just a plain inconvenience to drive all the way home for the night, only to return the next morning.

But the end result has been a breaking of the cycle, which we are so thankful to God for, and really feel like we are being restored to enjoy our first time together on our wedding night. Now, I don't know if this particular obstacle is one you and your fiancee struggle with, but there may well be something else. I guess the point of my post is to encourage you to identify that possibly obvious thing that just continually trips you up and just shouldn't be there, and to encourage you that things can change.

I guess finally, something I continue to learn as I approach our wedding date (4 weeks today) is that you're not expected to "get it right" before marriage, or to expect that it will all be fixed once you're married. This is for all areas of life. We're still flawed, and God still wants to craft us beyond where we are now.

My prayers for you and your future husband.

[hubbyforher]

My wife and I were both Christians when we got engaged, and we had the same difficulties and challenges staying pure. Luckily we made it to our weddinng day as virgins. Having said that, it didn't happen because we were careful, rather we erected barriers to prevent us from being in situations where we could have that problem. That way, you don't have to worry about doing the "right thing."

Barriers can be many different things. Spend your time together with other Christians, or if you want to spend some time alone, do it in a public place where you can't lose your clothes. Another rule we made was that we would never go horizontal when we were together. It may sound silly, but it's easier to keep the heat from rising than to reduce the heat once it's already way up there.

We all have sinned, and God does not grade on a curve. He sees all of our sin the same. Simply ask God for forgiveness and embrace it. The whsiper of doubt that you are hearing is NOT from the Lord, it's from the deceiver. He doesn't want you to believe that God loves you just the way you are. Forgive your fiance as well, and move forward together!

[luvmygirls]

Everyone else has said it and I'll say it one more time: confess it, receive the forgiveness, and move on.

Right now you are trying to avoid sinning for the next six months. What you should be doing is avoiding the opportunity to sin only today. Tomorrow you can start over and commit yourself to not sinning all day. The next day, do the same. Sin does not come in giant boulders; it comes in grains of sand. In that movie "The Shawshank Redemption", Andy tunneled out of prison over the course of years by chipping away a little each day and carrying small pieces of rock into the prison yard each day. He escaped his prison by diligence and patience, and that's what it will take for you. Just as sin creeps in little by little, overcoming sin takes place little by little as well.

So, as has been suggested, establish boundaries and prevent opportunities for sinning sexually. Commit to not being alone together. If you go to dinner, go to a restaurant, not on a secluded picnic. If you go to a movie, watch the movie, don't make out. Don't make detours for parking on the way to and from dates. Don't be at each other's homes alone together or in a room separated from the family for any significant length of time. Put yourselves in situations where you could get "caught" at any moment. For some, it's enough to draw lines and to stay away from them; others need immediate accountability.

If you both know the rules that you set up and establish boundaries together, then you can both help to hold each other accountable to enforcing them.

As for how this is affecting your future in ministry, is there a dean or counselor that you can speak to, maybe the campus pastor? Before you begin, you need to ask them if what you speak about will be held in strict confidence, regardless of school rules regarding moral behavior. I went to a Christian college where the Deans who were confided in had a habit of using counseling sessions as fodder for kicking ministerial students out of the school for struggling with sin. It didn't take long before they lost the trust of the students to minister to them. Then I went to a seminary where the faculty and administration was exactly the opposite. Anything that was said in confidence stayed that way, provided it didn't violate laws regarding mandatory reporting of harm to self or others, or sexual activity with a minor.

Discover your resources for wise counsel and take advantage of that wisdom.

[gherkin]

I agree with what everyone already said. Sex is an inherently GOOD thing. It is designed to unite us with our spouse. If you think this man is the one you want to live with and love for the rest of your life, if he is the one you want to commit yourself to, then it is natural and good and God-designed for you to desire him sexually. So that desire became too strong... so you think "if only this hadn't happened"... if everything else in your relationship is good ... then the only problem is that you're not married YET! So forgive yourself, forgive your beloved, listen to God's blessing on your future marriage, and go get married.

I believe that there's biblical precedent to suggest that a kind of marriage forms in the very act of sex... so if there are no other impediments (and you'll have to be very careful to discern this well without getting your decision clouded by the bonding that's already taken place), GO and CONFIRM your marriage publicly!

I think short engagements are good. Mine was about four months but it should have been shorter. My parents were three months and they wanted it shorter! They're still very happily married decades later!

[IdahoCanyonMan]

... if everything else in your relationship is good ... then the only problem is that you're not married YET! So forgive yourself, forgive your beloved, listen to God's blessing on your future marriage, and go get married.

+1
In my opinion there are some valid reasons for some span of time between popping the question and saying the vows, especially in cases like arranged marriages or traditional courtship where the engagement is still a trial period. But if you are like nearly everyone else and your answer to the question was "I will" instead of "I might" then there is no good reason to wait and plenty of reasons not to. Our culture puts on a lot of pressure to put on an elaborate wedding, mostly for economic reasons. It doesn't do anything for your marriage.

I think it would be hilarious to tell my future mother-in-law that we were moving up the wedding to next week "because we just want to have sex" and then watch her turn red. Everybody knows it but nobody wants to say it.

[GaryP74]

Sometimes we, like the Pharisees, "lade men with burdens grievous to be borne".....upon ourselves....

My fiancee and I have talked at some length about going to a justice of peace and getting married, then having a ceremony and party on the set schedule for the benefit of the families and friends. It satisfies the "lawyers" in us, and breaks the power of satan in our lives and our marriage.

[thinkingswiftly]

The advice you've gotten so far is great.

For DW and I, we fell into a pattern like you are describing. The most complicated part was that our hearts and souls said "I do" long before the ceremony and left us in the uncomfortable situation of having absolutely no idea where we stood. Our minds said one thing, our hearts and souls another, and our hormones made a nice mess of things all around. We barely managed to make it to the wedding virgins. In hindsight, we should have taken advice from some of the inlaws about doing a quick legal ceremony immediately - the only reason we didn't was some probable family drama.

I don't know if that helps at all, but there are a lot of us here on TMB, in your churches, school, and maybe even family who have gone thru the same struggles and sins - in heart if not always in body - who support you and pray for you.

Also, I'd propose the idea that things are never "too far gone" and that moving up the wedding date and getting right with God are not mutually exclusive.

[blushingwife]

DH and I were virgins when we started dating, but had sex after we got engaged.
We were able to stop months before the wedding, but before then, we kept falling into a similar pattern to yours.
I won't lie to you: it is VERY hard work to stop having sex once you have started, and even harder when you are going to be married in a few months.
But with God's help it can be done. Ask for forgiveness, forgive yourselves and each other.
In a more practical note, you REALLY need take precautions to avoid it happen again! How?
*Don't stay together somewhere if you know there nobody else around.
*Make sure there is always somebody nearby or in a room next door if you are alone.
*Keep doors open.
*Avoid making out - really! It just makes it that much harder not to think about sex when you make out. Keep to light kisses, light hugs, etc. If you can't handle that, avoid that too.
*Don't discuss the times you had sex with each other - the images and memories just add to the temptation.
*Read the Word together and pray whenever you feel lust creeping in.

You can do it! With God's help we can all be pure again.

[42isaverb]

Thank so much for the input. As of right now, FH and I haven't sought counsel from anyone about the situation. It is such a blessing to have a place to get some feedback from some like-minded Christians. To clarify a little- landschooner- we didn't have anyone advise us to push back the wedding date. In my mind, I could only figure that, if we cause each other to stumble and we can't stay away from sin while we're engaged, then that is something we need to work on before we get married. It helps so much to know that FH and I are not alone in the struggle. Things have been much better thus far- although it's only been a couple of weeks. I'm sure temptation is laying-low for now, but I'm hoping we will be prepared when it decides to return.

J+J- Thank you for sharing. You probably hit the nail on the head. Spending loads of time alone in my room has definately made things more difficult, but we are really trying to stay away from that now.

We are discussing moving the ceremony. However, with us both in college, it would need to be spring break. We will have to figure out if it will work or not- especially since he will have to find a place for us to live between now and then, etc.

[skippylou]

As a pastor in our Church I would recommend moving the date up. You have not committed some unforgivable sin, yes God has forgiven you but I promise you until you are married, Satan will use this physical attraction to harm you and your fiance in whatever way he can. I've never known moving the date up to hurt a thing...God be with you both

[gherkin]

also, another reason to just get married asap if sexuality is a struggle: it would be really bad if one or both of you were to "turn your sex drive off" for a long engagement period and then have trouble turning it back on again after you get married! It's hard enough to balance self-control and a healthy attitude towards sexuality as it is, and it gets harder after you start having sex. See this couple's experience: viewtopic.php?f=94&t=43553

[God's Geek]

How would moving the date up affect your college finances? Since you are both in school yet, it may have a substantial impact on FAFSA and grants.

GG

[landschooner]

In my mind, I could only figure that, if we cause each other to stumble and we can't stay away from sin while we're engaged, then that is something we need to work on before we get married.

I see. the bible recommends MARRIAGE for this situation, not working it out before you get married. That IS how you work it out. By making it a non issue. If you choose to wait, then you will have to work it out, but don't push the wedding even farther away. (I know you're not saying that, ......but it still kinda sounds like it sort of to me : )

[rediron]

Hi Folks;
I would like to add my agreement to those who say that this struggle, especially now that activity has begun, is not a reason to wait to get married, but all the more reason to get married. I would also like to second the opinion that sexual activity creates a marriage like bond - In Corinthians one of the reasons for a Christian to not visit a prostitute is so that Christ / the christian not be bonded to one. If a emotional / spiritual / physical bond is created by sex with a prostitute, then how much more with beloved engaged partners. Once sexual activity is started, stoping is like trying to hold back the water after the dam is broken. As has been said by others here, it is possible, difficult, but possible to be pure after this has occurred, however, one poster noted that one of the partners may do this by "shutting down" the sex / intimacy drive and the problems this could create in the future marriage. If the OP and soon to be spouse are sure of the decision to marry, then consider moving up the date.
In the midst of this I would ask prayer for my family, my daughter and her boyfriend, as in one sentence, tonight, I was informed that what I was lead to believe was just friendship was much more than that, and what was more than friendship was less than platonic, and that less than platonic had already born fruit. I am going to be a grandfather, marriage is being discussed. I and my wife are leaving the decision to my daughter and her boyfriend, as if they do not wish to marry, not marrying is better than producing several more children, then divorcing, I am hoping that they will marry, and even though I know that there was a moral failure here, I cannot help but feel excited by this new life, and the prospect of seeing my first grandchild. God will work this out, as he will in your situation, BE PURE, either by avoiding temptation, or marrying, for the marriage bed is pure before all. God Bless, and pray please for my family
Later
Rediron

[Paul B]

42isaverb,

As a help to avoiding more slips - I would bet most if not all of your line crossing happens during the second week of your cycle. The week before ovulation, your body is pushing you to be sexual, and when you add that to your love and desire for your intended, it becomes very difficult to do what you want to do rather than what your body wants you to do.

Use this information to avoid situations where you can slip during the time when it is most likely.

Paul

edited for speeling

[thinkingswiftly]

42isaverb,

As a help to avoiding more slips - I would bet most of not all of your line crossing happens during the second week of your cycle. The week before ovulation, your body is pushing you to be sexual, and when you add that to your love and desire for your intended, it becomes very difficult to do what you want to do rather than what your body wants you to do.

Use this information to avoid situations where you can slip during the time when it is most likely.

Paul

+1 Great time when you are married, dangerous time otherwise. There are a number of period/ovulation charting softwares for free for most phones and computers that predict your periods, high fertility, and let you enter information like when you took your pill, had sex, any notes, or whatever. DW and I have learned that "high fertility" is code for "permanently excited wife". Knowing this would have made our lives easier.

[heartofsong]

Just wanted to chime in to second what everyone else is saying. DH and I struggled too... honestly we think our engagement was THE hardest time in our relationship to date. Marriage is SO SO SO much better!!! If you are sure this is God's man for you, marry him as SOON as you can! If you can't move up the date, I recommend getting some serious help in place for the next few months. Good ideas for that have already been suggested, so I won't elaborate. May God give you wisdom!!!!

Lastly, do accept God's forgiveness because your sins were paid for by the blood of His Son. All you have to do is receive Him! If Jesus is your Lord and Savior, you are covered, girl! There's no more atonement needed... no more purging and nothing you can do to cleanse yourself or make up for your mistakes. Don't let Satan slam you with this! "If we say that we have no sin, we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:8-9). Hang onto that and don't let Satan destroy you with guilt!