No kissing before marriage?

[veritas]

I watched the wedding of the Duggars' oldest son last night. For those that don't know, The TLC channel here in the US has been sharing the story of the Duggars for a few years now. They are a Baptist family that now has 18 children and a very strong faith. Anyway, last night was the marriage of their oldest son. It turns out that the two never even kissed before the wedding. Talk about purity. I think that may be a bit extreme, but wow, what a concept in today's idea of promiscuity. So what do you a think? Too extreme, or maybe an idea that it is time for?

[UnderCovers]

Well, years ago I actually heard about this and thought it would be very wise. My feelings were probably influenced by my own pre-marital promiscuity. I guess I felt like it would be best to go to the "other extreme". It seemed like any romantic physical contact in a relationship was just starting something that was going to burn and burn and demand more and more.

I still think it's wise, but with some stipulations. I think it is good for engaged couples to refrain from participating in the physical, but should talk about the physical. Pre-marital counselling in this area is good as well. I think it is good to have a desire to be physical with your fiance, and it's good to express that, as well. We need to know we are desired by our FS. But it is wise to have an agreement on where you draw the line.

If you want to draw the line at no physical contact. Okay. As long as the communication is there, I think it can be very rewarding and exciting on the wedding night and for many nights to come.

Where the problem would come, IMO, would be if you drew that kind of line and never discussed it. I can see sex being very strained in marriage. There needs to be communication. Desire needs to be there and acknowledged. Nothing wrong with the anticipation of being with your FS for the first time.

So, I guess there needs to be a balance, but I think it could be very rewarding if done right.

UC

[heartofsong]

My husband and I did that... partly as a stand for purity and partly as a check for ourselves. We're glad we did!

[LadyP]

no kissing before marriage gets discussed here periodically. I really think this is something that needs to be left to personal conviction - to expect it of all couples would be pretty legalistic, but there's certainly no reason a couple shouldn't do it if they want to. (Unless they're really doing it because they're not interested in sex, in which case they've got bigger problems.)

Some people worry that it's hard to go from no kissing to sex in one night (or even over a few days) but I don't think I know of anyone where that's been a problem.

For what it's worth, we saved kissing for engagement. I have no regrets.

[veritas]

I agree that there is not problem with going from first kiss to sex in one day. I know firsthand. Though my DW and I didn't have sex the first time we kissed, I sure could have.

And I agree that sex should be discussed prior to marriage. We have to many people that don't know what there sexual hopes, dreams and expectations are, let alone be able to communicate them to our spouses. For such a sexually charged society, we are awfully inept at sexual communication.

[freetalive]

I always said and vowed that I would not kiss before my wedding...but..I did. Two weeks into the relationship...we kind of knew we would be married so he asked me if I wanted to try it and I said yeah...that was the end of that. No regrets. However, if it was igniting passion and desire for more we would have stopped. I guess it goes on an individual basis and what you believe. I think it's a little extreme myself but I think it's a good idea at the same time.

[jokerman]

Was alcohol served at the wedding?

[sweetparker]

The biblical law does not require this one way or another, and where it is silent it is silent.

If this man and woman were not forced into such a thing by others and it can said to be consensual then let be okay without religious based criticism.

I watched the wedding of the Duggars' oldest son last night. For those that don't know, The TLC channel here in the US has been sharing the story of the Duggars for a few years now. They are a Baptist family that now has 18 children and a very strong faith. Anyway, last night was the marriage of their oldest son. It turns out that the two never even kissed before the wedding. Talk about purity. I think that may be a bit extreme, but wow, what a concept in today's idea of promiscuity. So what do you a think? Too extreme, or maybe an idea that it is time for?

[jokerman]

If this man and woman were not forced into such a thing by others and it can said to be consensual then let be okay without religious based criticism.

So, we're not allowed to discuss it?

[MayDayGirl]

Well, I'm going to talk about it anyway!

I watched it last night too, veritas (see my off-topic post on the grape juice comment made by the father of the bride).

I followed the show on and off this past season. The one comment I'll make is that the two seemed sort of immature in their relationship to be getting married, but that's JMO. When he proposed, they really had nothing to talk about. That may have been the constant chaperoning (they also did the whole courting thing). Their relationship as a whole seemed very junior high-ish instead of adult, but again, JMO. I'm guessing since it's the only relationship either of them had ever had, they really didn't know how to act around the opposite sex. Not a criticism, just an observation.

I also didn't like the "talk" Mr. Duggar had with his son the day before the wedding. Saying that he (the groom) would be interested in the physical part of marriage, but that his bride would only be interested in the emotional part (talking about the "little things") made me want to scream. I was thinking about how many TMB women would have wanted to tell the poor kid a thing or two!

[veritas]

That's exactly how I felt. It really seemed that these two kids where getting thrown into the deep end. And yes, the "talk" was pitiful. And I plan on checking out your other post, as I was bugged with the "grape juice" reference, also.

[jokerman]

I also didn't like the "talk" Mr. Duggar had with his son the day before the wedding. Saying that he (the groom) would be interested in the physical part of marriage, but that his bride would only be interested in the emotional part (talking about the "little things") made me want to scream. I was thinking about how many TMB women would have wanted to tell the poor kid a thing or two!

I don't know, it sounds like the dude was talking about most of TMB's "lack of desire" threads.

[dr_parsley]

Anything more than a peck goodbye or hello would have been profoundly unhelpful for me. We started to kiss properly a couple of weeks before the wedding and couldn't do more than 30 seconds without steam coming out of my ears. Why would anyone want to torture themselves?

[zookie]

My mom and step-dad never kissed on the lips before they got married. My mom told me it was for two reasons: they wanted their first kiss to be the most special it could be, and they didn't want to start anything they couldn't or didn't want to stop.
They quickly made up for it once they were married!!
I say "to each his own" in this area.

z

[hisfountain]

I also didn't like the "talk" Mr. Duggar had with his son the day before the wedding. Saying that he (the groom) would be interested in the physical part of marriage, but that his bride would only be interested in the emotional part (talking about the "little things") made me want to scream. I was thinking about how many TMB women would have wanted to tell the poor kid a thing or two!

I don't know, it sounds like the dude was talking about most of TMB's "lack of desire" threads.

Just because it sounds like a lot of threads on TMB doesn't mean a man should only be prepared for his bride to never want sex. If we had remained virgins and DH's dad had told him that, he would have been in for quite a shock, but then again he admits he was quite shocked at my sexual desires nonetheless.

[MayDayGirl]

I also didn't like the "talk" Mr. Duggar had with his son the day before the wedding. Saying that he (the groom) would be interested in the physical part of marriage, but that his bride would only be interested in the emotional part (talking about the "little things") made me want to scream. I was thinking about how many TMB women would have wanted to tell the poor kid a thing or two!

I don't know, it sounds like the dude was talking about most of TMB's "lack of desire" threads.

It just feeds the stereotype.....who needs that?

[jokerman]

Well, I'm sure we can round and round on this, but Mr. Dugan's advice doesn't seem so outlandish to me. I think almost everyone would agree that the need for emotional connection is stronger in wives than in husbands (my own mother, who had a great attitude about sex, told me essentially the same thing). And if Mr. Dugan is telling his son that his sex drive will likely be stronger than his wife's, I would guess that there is at least a 50 percent chance (and probably higher) that he is right.

If someone had told me prior to marriage, "She'll be just as horny as you, and all that talk about her emotions is sexist hogwash," I would have been in for a rude awakening. DW is no refuser or anything but I learned from Day One that her physical drive is not as high as mine, and I re-learned it this weekend . If that's a stereotype, then it sure seems like a lot of couples are stereotypical.

[MayDayGirl]

I really do understand where you're coming from, JM. It's just that it's very frustrating to be a woman and be cast into the mold of "she's a girl, so she's not going to be interested in sex." Tell that to enough young couples and it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[hisfountain]

I really do understand where you're coming from, JM. It's just that it's very frustrating to be a woman and be cast into the mold of "she's a girl, so she's not going to be interested in sex." Tell that to enough young couples and it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Yes, MDG! My thoughts exactly. I wonder how much of the stereotype actually is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[luvmygirls]

I didn't have to.....I mean, get to see the show, but I'm trying to find the full episode online and I can only find clips. I'd like to hear the father's advice. If he told his son what I read he told his son, then he's got it wrong, but if he was misquoted, then he could be mostly right. I also don't know the culture since I don't watch the show. I've had kids in my church whose parents have made similar comments and I feel for the kids. I don't know if they just aren't careful with their wording or what, but I had to listen to a conversation among three moms yesterday and was trying to grasp what they were saying because it affects the way I do ministry with their kids.

As for the kissing before marriage thing, I agree that it's nice, but only if both people in the relationship agreed to set that standard. If it is imposed as rule from outside, I'm not in favor. If it is suggested as something to consider and the couple says, "That's a good idea," then I consider that internally motivated.

My bride and I dated for 2 1/2 years before we got engaged and were engaged for about 8 months. We kissed during our relationship, but it wasn't until we knew that we wanted to get married and we didn't start out with heavy kissing. She's the only girl I've ever "really" kissed. She's my only long-term relationship. She's had more experience than me, but not a lot.

And I think we do pretty good.