cjc19 wrote:After reading everyone's posts and considering our options we have decided that it would be best not to live together before marriage.
This is not due to the reason that it would be tempting as we believe it would not be in our situation. Also, we do not believe it to be wrong to live together before marriage (as long as there is no sexual activity).
However, we will not do so on the basis that:
- it would look bad and may hurt our reputations
- it may hurt reputations of others around us (eg. friends and family) whose friends might not have the same understanding of the situation
- it may be a bad christian witness
- we should not tempt others in our situation to live together, who may be more weak in the flesh then us, and may be tempted by such situations
Also, even though closer friends would know that we are not having sex living in the same apartment, other friends might automatically assume that we are having sex.
I am of the opinion that it is easy to fall in to temptation and sin no matter what your situation, whether you are living apart, living in a residential college, living in a share house, living with parents or living with your partner. If you can avoid temptation when living apart (as blueeyes said), you can avoid temptation living together just as easily. If you are determined that you will not have sex before marriage it should not matter your situation. You should not need others around you to 'keep you in line'. It should be a conscious choice of the heart and be consistent (not have sex) whether there are people around you or not. If you only act properly when others are around I would question whether it is a choice of the heart to not engage in sex before marriage or an outward 'not trying to sully reputation and maintain the high ground among other christians'.
I do not think that people should automatically judge others, however, that live together by automatically assuming they are sleeping together. It is sad that christians do this without seeking out the facts. I note a person I knew at church who was judging a couple for living together but who actively engaged in sleeping with his girlfriend who he did not live with. This is hypocrisy in my opinion.
I would not feel guilty about living together for the sake of living together. However, I would feel guilty for allowing others to think we were sleeping together or to cause others to sin.
I also understand others may be additionally more tempted by living together before marriage, in addition to concerns like ours such as reputation and tempting others into sin. In our situation we would not be more tempted, but others may well be so. Such persons are probably those who obviously can control themselves when others around but not in private when alone with their partner. So avoiding living alone together or avoiding extended moments of alone time may be suitable for such couples.
However, I beleive that one who is determined not to have sex before marriage should be able to control themselves whether in public or in private. If it is a genuine belief, and not just looking 'christian' and 'righteous' in front of others, then such a belief should play itself out in private when there is just you, your partner and GOD (who is there at every moment). You should not need others around to keep you under control, all that should be needed is the fear of God.
Postscript: I would be concerned even if one were not tempted and even if it would not tempt others that obedience to parents should be maintained (except where it conflicts with God's will). Thus, if one or both parents are concerned about you living together you should not do so. This is especially if your parents are not christian as you should provide a good witness to them and not a conflicting witness of hypocrisy.
On a personal note, I have decided that the suggestion to set up an apartment for both of us to live in after marriage would be a good idea, but for only me to move in there before marriage (probably with another christian male). My fiance could then move in after marriage, but keep most of her non-essential and shared property at the apartment I use in the meantime.
Although this is not 100% efficient option (i.e. each moving once only to a shared apartment) it does reduce my moves to 1 instead of 2 (although her amount of moves would still be the same) if we were to have both moved into separate apartments and then moved into a different marriage apartment (where 2 moves each).
I believe that it is possible to live together in the same house before marriage and not have sex, but people will automatically assume you are. I believe there are some people who have a valid reason for living in the same house whether it is financial or some other big situation, but as long as they don't have sex, I believe it is ok. But there is a quote in the Bible about eating meat causing your brother to sin, so living together, if circumstances come, should be a last resort.
I do agree people should not be so judgemental, and should seek out the facts before assuming people are sleeping together. It is quite wicked to say a couple is sleeping together when they are not and they have a valid reason for living in the same house. But we do need to admit that there are people who live together to see if they are 'compatible.' In those situations that is sinful and you would have to question whether the person truly loves her/his partner for who he/she is, because to question compatibility raises a red flag.
I think you made a smart decision, since you pulled out other options first and were able to act on those.
Your sister in Christ Jesus,
Jessica
We have been married for just over 2 months and moved to a new city just after our wedding and have been looking for jobs an apartment while hubby goes to school. A very generous single male friend of ours has let us stay at his apartment but I'm afraid we've scarred him for life...despite our best efforts to be discrete and confine any merry-making to the bedroom (and quietly...as much as possible).
