Help- Struggling to wait

What limits should we set before marriage?
soontobewifey
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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby soontobewifey » Tue Feb 14, 2017 9:21 pm

Well, when I say that we are alone together, I more mean in the kitchen/dining room and people are usually/mostly home. It's rare for us to be completely alone and if we are (he has dropped me home, we are in his car) we are careful for it to be brief and to be accountable with someone. Like I said though, we aren't so worried about crossing the boundary and having sex or anything between now and October. It's just the emotional side of things and thought life for him. Wanting intimacy but knowing it must be pure and godly, within the boundaries of an engagement not marriage.....

It's the heart ache/feelings we need help with, not really help with not having sex.
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Nova
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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby Nova » Wed Feb 15, 2017 1:43 am

[Deleted upon further consideration.]
Last edited by Nova on Wed Feb 15, 2017 3:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

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caleb15
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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby caleb15 » Wed Feb 15, 2017 3:17 am

There are some unbelievably judgmental people in this thread. It honestly makes me sad... I've been holding off replying, but I've just gotta say something... y'all need to stop projecting. Soontobe has asked for advice on how to handle the lack of intimacy that is available before marriage. She's repeatedly stated that she doesn't believe physical sin will be a problem for her anymore... whether you believe her or not y'all need to just let it go with the absolute and judgmental statements. You don't even know her so you have zero responsibility to nag her into following your advice.
As to all this advice about moving up the wedding date... or getting "married" legally... seriously?! Y'all act like it's no big thing... she's laid out why it actually is a big deal and I totally understand. Y'all need to actually try to sympathize with her, not just throw down judgments and ultimatums. I can't even begin to imagine the reaction if I told my parents I wanted sex so bad I was just going to go to the courthouse, but I still expected them to pay for a huge party some arbitrary time later... I'd feel even worse/weirder asking everyone I know to come to a party that I'm calling a wedding even though I'm already married and living with my wife. That's insane. But y'all sit up in here yelling at this poor girl that she should just do it and she's wrong for not. To quote Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers... SERIOUSLY?!

Soontobe... to answer your OP. The best thing I can figure is just pray through it. I know it's hard, and I imagine if you've gone that far already, the urge to do so and scratch that itch again is even harder. Perhaps explore other love languages. I do agree with what has been said about staying public and being accountable, although it seems like y'all already are on that. I also saw you said you were going to follow up on counseling, that's awesome too. Seems like you've got it figured out now. Y'all will be in my prayers though. Stay strong sister!


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soontobewifey
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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby soontobewifey » Wed Feb 15, 2017 3:59 am

^^^ This advice was literally like a breath of fresh air, the support that I have needed..... I can't thank you enough for that Caleb. Was feeling a bit attacked to be honest guys, the responses were becoming literally everything that I said isn't feasible for us to do. I actually hadn't been thinking about our other love languages (which I really should have, would have been helpful the past few months to focus on lol) so that's a great idea. I know that I also am quite big on quality time and my fiance is big on words of affirmation. Might have to write him some encouraging, beautiful love letters and have more 'quality' time with him rather than just excessive hanging out.

I have to keep reminding myself too that the affection and touch being withdrawn isn't a personal rejection, it's a bit of a daily battle.... Biggest advice I would give my children one day in regards to sex before marriage would be not just 'abstain!' but to explain the heartache of then what a struggle it is to go back on something you have already done. I'm only realising the past few months with our quest for purity how when God made sex, since it was in the context of marriage, it really wasn't meant to be something a loving couple experiences and then stops indefinitely. It wasn't meant to start and stop and to withdraw from one another, it feel's so unsafe this way and has been heartbreaking. That is why in marriage I know it really is going to be so beautiful, because it can serve its original purpose and bring us closer together as husband and wife and this period of time now will only be a memory. Thank you so much for your prayers, feeling super encouraged!
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now...

soontobewifey
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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby soontobewifey » Wed Feb 15, 2017 4:00 am

Nova wrote:[Deleted upon further consideration.]


Thanks for that Nova..... I did get a chance to read your original message but hadn't replied yet. Wasn't sure what more I could say :(
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now...

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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby Leah » Wed Feb 15, 2017 6:38 am

It's not an attack to speak from experience. It is feasable to be married now, if what you value is your integrity. In the end, you answer to God, not your family. Over the years we have talked to many people here who don't see a solution because they've already paid the caterer.

I lived alone during my engagement, and for that reason we kept it short and set boundaries that we knew we could keep.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby John S. » Wed Feb 15, 2017 7:31 am

This has helped me overcome sin issues IF you do it consistently. Write down all the verses in the Bible you can find concerning sexual purity on index cards. Put the cards in your purse or pocket and carry them with you. When the temptation comes to go beyond the boundaries, pull the cards out and start reading the verses, keep reading them until the temptation passes. If there is one thing that defeats Satan, the world and the flesh, it is the Word of God. This will work, it has been very effective for me.

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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby poetess » Wed Feb 15, 2017 11:16 am

Soontbewifey, you asked for "any" advice, and it wasn't clear to us that you were asking specifically for one sort of advice.

Yes, there are other ways to remember his love, even for those of us (me included) for whom touch is the strongest love language. (BTW, even in marriage there will be times you can't hold each other--one is out of town on business or a family emergency in another state, or seriously ill. So this is actually good practice for understanding love in a deeper way.) Remember first of all that he chose you and has committed to you. Make plans for your marriage; talk about how you will raise your children, what kind of features you eventually want in a house, your long-term dreams. Talk about the biblical principles for a husband, for a wife, for parents. The fuzzy "feelings" of love are not its deepest part. But love letters can be quite helpful in rekindling "feelings" of love.

That said, the counsel you have received here is not meant to be criticism or to be harsh. As far as I noticed, everyone on here who has responded to you is already married, so we have ourselves "been there." In fact, most of us are old enough that we have counseled others who have "been there." (I married in my forties, to a widower with children, and thus am older than my wedding date would make me seem.) We are giving you wisdom from life experience, wisdom that we have seen people weep over neglecting, and wisdom that is based in Scripture. It is not a lecture; it is older women coming alongside and giving loving guidance from this side.

If the big wedding is super-important, then the time between now and then is going to be difficult. I don't think there is any way of getting around that. Our attempt is to spare you from some of that, and from regret.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby Nova » Wed Feb 15, 2017 2:02 pm

soontobewifey wrote:
Nova wrote:[Deleted upon further consideration.]


Thanks for that Nova..... I did get a chance to read your original message but hadn't replied yet. Wasn't sure what more I could say :(

My post wasn't meant to be hostile, but I saw how it could be interpreted as such in tone-less text. The point I was trying to make is that, despite what you've said, getting married before the ceremony is both possible and practical. The choice, then, is how you personally weigh the benefits vs the awkwardness. And I don't think anyone here would deny that, yes, it would be at least a little awkward regardless of specific family issues (which you seem to have). But weigh that against the benefit of being free from the temptation of sin for several months. That's the judgement call that, ultimately, only you two can make.

When I give advice, I try to stick to direct, actionable solutions to the problem, and getting married now was (is) the simplest and most direct solution to your problem. The wedding can wait until the designated day, but that doesn't mean you two have to wait. And, as a side note, I can't see any reason why your sister would have a problem with you getting married first; that makes no sense to me.

Anyways, if your set on a long, hard engagement for the benefit of your family, that's your decision. My engagement period was less than 3 months, so I don't have any other insights I can share with you.

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poetess
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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby poetess » Wed Feb 15, 2017 2:48 pm

I don't know what the specifics of "getting married early" advice have been. It sounds as though you are not open to that counsel, anyway. I do want to add one sidenote to that: Marriage is a public relationship. That is, secretly marrying at the justice of the peace, having sex, and then going into the marriage ceremony as though you were single would not be a good option. If you marry before your original wedding date, whoever is or isn't there needs to know that you are married now. I personally would then have a reception, but not a wedding ceremony, in October, since you would already be married (you could still have a wedding dress and whatever other special touches you wish). It's really not uncommon to have a wedding reception after the fact, in your wedding dress, especially when different family members live in different states or countries. I did it, and I know others who have done it, too.

But the question seems to be which is more important, being together now or having your big event later, and the answer is "later." And that's legitimate. Just be proactive and prepared for the temptation to be harder than you expect, and the stress to be more intense than you have seen so far. That may not be your case, but that is what I've heard from others who have chosen a long engagement.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

soontobewifey
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Re: Help- Struggling to wait

Postby soontobewifey » Wed Feb 15, 2017 7:25 pm

Thank you for that insight, and for understanding. I think we are prepared for the challenge.. and I do feel we still have some other areas to work on in ourselves to be completely ready for our marriage later in the year. Don't want to rush ahead and have my wedding earlier now before our wedding date (that has been confirmed) if it's only because we want to have sex. Perseverance creates character :lol:

I have been given some great advice on here so far that I can use and that has been an encouragement. Most of everyone's advice has been helpful and kind, it's just unfortunate that a few have accidentally come across a bit blaming or judgemental. I'm only new on here and no one has had a chance to know me yet. It's hard to judge someone if you don't know the full story :)

I think we can leave the thread at this now, while we are ahead lol
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now...


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