Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby padsnd » Sat Aug 24, 2013 3:10 am

Kilarin wrote:
padsnd wrote:Consider that the evidence to support this is not inherently applicable.

I've worked with and been friends with several people from India who have arranged marriages. And after a lot of discussion with them, I've come to the conclusion that their system has some advantages, and some disadvantages, and OUR system has some advantages and disadvantages.

I prefer our modern system, but their system isn't necessarily wrong, and I don't think it's better, it's just different.


Absolutely. I was simply pointing out that a lower divorce rate, lower abuse rate, etc. does not always mean what one thinks. In some of those situations, the divorce rate is lower, but the two simply live together because it is expected and not convenient to leave. Is that a good thing? Well, it is good they don't get divorced, but the latter part is far from good. And, in many societies past and present that report lower abuse rates, those rates are simply because most of the abuse went unreported and/or those who did report it were told they were wrong.

I think back to my grandparents generation. They slept in separate bedrooms. I never saw much affection, and I now know that multiple ones my grandmother and her siblings simply got pregnant to get our or the abusive house of their father. These relationships were not models of love and neither the church nor society spoke up to say something different. Today, it may be more acceptable to divorce, but both society and the church have a message of how to deal with abuse and how to work on your marriage.
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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby The Twit » Sat Aug 24, 2013 4:58 am

This discussion reminds me of the old sayings. "Beauty is only skin deep." And " Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." As Christians many of us are taught from day one to look at people beyond the physical beauty. We are to look at other people's souls. We are to put on God's glasses given to us in the Spirit. Yes physical attractiveness does play a part in what may first draw us towards a person or may scare us away from a person but we are to judge a person by there character. Christian friends and I have talked about this and we all admitted that we were all attracted to different women for different reasons. I am attracted to auburn haired, green eyed, freckled women. Others were attracted to blondes, some were attracted to brunettes, a couple were attracted to Asian women, a couple to Latin American women, etc. We each had a standard or physical beauty. Now yes we recognized what was beautiful in general but we we found we were attracted to our certain different types for different reasons.

My best man and one of my best friends is blind. In getting to know him and be around him I learned this lesson of looking at the inner beauty of others. When he met his future wife it was more of a mental attraction for both. He is white and she is black. He from a more rural city and she was from an inner big city. He was blind and she had sight. But both were in love with Jesus and followed Him. They knew within weeks of meeting they were made for each other. I remember at their wedding I was sitting with a couple of older ladies in their church. One lady turned to the other and made the comment that my friend was truly color blind. The other lady commented that they saw deep love and desire for each other when they saw my friends together.

Jump ahead to me and my wife. Yes I knew quite a few women who were, by the world's view, very good looking all through high school and college. Many were friends. But none attracted any attention. When I met my future wife, yes I found her very pretty. But guess what came out to be more attractive than her physical appearance? Her inner beauty. There were many young men that chased after her because of her beauty. Some saw the inner beauty also, but the physical drove them more. So yes physical beauty by my standards drove me to want to talk to her more but it was the other parts that kept me interested to want to be around her more and more. I fell in love with her laugh, her smile, and yes her green eyes. I can go on with her inner and outer beauty. Other may see her as a plain Jane, but to this Twit she is a perfect 10. I was attracted to her mind and her body.

Another thought. How many have seen a dog show? There is a great dog show around thanksgiving weekend here in the states, I think thanksgiving. There are ugly dogs and there are beautiful dogs. But each is first judged on the criteria of what the individual breed's standards. Then when they are brought to get her first for the best of class /group (working, hunting, hound, etc.) they are compared again not against each other but as which one is the best of their breed in comparison to the other ones. This means that if you are comparing a miniature beagle against a standard beagle you cannot compare them against each other but which one represents their breed better. This also becomes the judging for the best of show. Yes there is a standard that each judge is to use but the judge also has a free will to see other qualities beyond the standard of physicality.

I bring that up because my train of thought is as I am attracted to certain breeds of dogs (beagles, spaniels, Britiany), certain cattle (Holsteins, Herefords, Guernseys, Jerseys), and other types of animals. Likewise I found I was attracted to Christian women above all other women. I was also attracted to conservative Christian women. On top of that I was attracted to conservative, protestant Christian women. And then add on the idea of a woman willing to live and share her faith with others, not being a passive Christian. Thus the pool of women I was attracted to was much smaller than many men who I knew that went after anything wearing a skirt. I think that many of us have certain attractions that cannot be completely explained other than maybe our upbringing, what we find beautiful, what gets our juices flowing, and other items that just can not be quantified.

Thus going back to the original OP what is beautiful to me may not be beautiful to my brother. Likewise what makes the juices flowing for one woman does not drive another woman. God made each of us as unique individuals. There are no two of us a like. Each of us comes to Christ different ways and accepts the salvation given to us by Christ's death and resurrection differently because of our uniqueness. Likewise we each were attracted to our spouses differently. But as we go through life together we find more and more beauty in our life mate which keeps us coming back to them and falling in love with them on a daily basis. Yes there are flaws but if we are in a healthy relationship the flaws get corrected or removed and the other aspects grow over or take over those flaws.

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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby On track » Sat Aug 24, 2013 5:18 am

I guess getting married wasn't important enough to me to do it, unless I found the "total package. " Being single is pretty awesome. I dated some very nice, godly, handsome young men. I wanted to be attracted to them, but I wasn't. Why would I get married unless I found a really nice, good, decent man that I was attracted to? The point for me wasn't just to be married. So I waited (and rode my horse, and mountain biked and enjoyed my career and explored the national parks and enjoyed being footloose and fancy free :D) . Then one day I met a really nice, good, decent guy that made my knees so weak that I could barely walk across the room without stumbling. The whole package (character, personality, attraction) was worth marrying. Anything else wasn't. I am glad I waited. I would advise other young women to wait. Doesn't Paul advise people to wait unless they burn? I have known lots of good potential husbands, only one man has ever made me burn. I am glad I waited to meet him.

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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby bestillandknow » Sat Aug 24, 2013 7:26 am

Oh yeah! Another great post, On track!! ::clap ::clap ::clap

And I appreciate all you share, Twit (sheesh it seems derogatory to call you that, sorry), but most of what you wrote would have flown way, way over my 18-year-old head. I'm thinking, something practical that penetrates the younger brain, kwim?
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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby SeekingChange » Sat Aug 24, 2013 7:50 am

rediron wrote: I always say "good sex makes rose colored glasses about three inches thick".


That is good news for some of us.... time and a mirror can take a toll on the female's psyche.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby MrsTom » Mon Aug 26, 2013 10:53 pm

A quarter century and many physical changes and I am looking worse for the wear. I think (and other women have told me :shock: ) my husband is as delicious as the day we wed.

I think this issue is so much harder for a woman who feels trapped by her weight or wrinkles or thinning hair, age spots and gravitational pull. We get told by everyone that men are VISUAL so we dim the lights considerable and pray for failing vision on his part. One tries hard to continue the charade that attitude matters more than "all that", but it's painful to think he got the raw end of the deal.
When I told my hubby it's too bad he couldn't have a wife who had both a dirty mind and a clean house, he said he'd far prefer the former.

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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby The Twit » Tue Aug 27, 2013 6:27 am

MrsTom wrote:A quarter century and many physical changes and I am looking worse for the wear. I think (and other women have told me :shock: ) my husband is as delicious as the day we wed.

I think this issue is so much harder for a woman who feels trapped by her weight or wrinkles or thinning hair, age spots and gravitational pull. We get told by everyone that men are VISUAL so we dim the lights considerable and pray for failing vision on his part. One tries hard to continue the charade that attitude matters more than "all that", but it's painful to think he got the raw end of the deal.

You sound like my wife. But I keep reminding my wife I still love seeing her naked body. In fact I reminder that the classical sculptures and sme of the older classical paintings have beautiful, curvatious, women. They did not have six pack or four pack abs, in fact they were slightly chunky. Their breasts were not "perky" but did droop and looked natural. I remember reading an article recently about our skinny focused culture has redone many of the great paintings slimming down the women and men to be more in line with our current thinking.

I always tell my wife there are two people in this world that think you are the most beautiful woman, God and me. She does not need to please anyone else.

Yes DW and I each have a tad bit too much weight on us to make certain activities uncomfortable, but doing the normal amount of exercise and eating a tad bit more healthy will help us. Because of my job I eat out a lot and on the run and do not exercise. Very bad. For my wife she just does not have the time to exercise as much as she wants.the best we felt was when we were able to take a walk almost every evening together and when I was working a second job at a Walmart where I was able to walk almost 2 miles each time I worked and DW had our oldest in a stroller walking around town.

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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby The Twit » Tue Aug 27, 2013 6:43 am

bestillandknow wrote:And I appreciate all you share, Twit (sheesh it seems derogatory to call you that, sorry), but most of what you wrote would have flown way, way over my 18-year-old head. I'm thinking, something practical that penetrates the younger brain, kwim?

That is why I was and will always be the Twit. By the time I was 18 I had read most of Shakespeare, many of the great poets, many of the great books, a bunch of historical documents that formed many of the countries we know, and much of the Bible. I had studied the Probverbs 31 and Epheshians about what makes a great husband and what makes a great wife. I was not interested in woman for their bodies even though I still had the normal reaction to a good looking woman walking by me. By the time I was 21 I had already formed in my mind my minimum requirements for a wife. This scarred a lot of women off. Good, because I was looking for a Godly woman. When I met DW she not only met my miminum requirements as laid on me by God but she exceeded all other desires. I was attracted to her physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Even to this day 20 years later it is still hard to explain all of what made me flip head over heals in love with her. I also have a hard time explaining why my heart still skips a beat when I see her first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. Just a simple touch by her or a gentle kiss on my cheek from her makes me stand up in all aspects. :wink: KWIM?

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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby txtwindad » Tue Aug 27, 2013 6:50 am

MrsTom wrote:A quarter century and many physical changes and I am looking worse for the wear. I think (and other women have told me :shock: ) my husband is as delicious as the day we wed.

I think this issue is so much harder for a woman who feels trapped by her weight or wrinkles or thinning hair, age spots and gravitational pull. We get told by everyone that men are VISUAL so we dim the lights considerable and pray for failing vision on his part. One tries hard to continue the charade that attitude matters more than "all that", but it's painful to think he got the raw end of the deal.


MrsTom (I got the right one this time!)- Your response here is very common, but very, very sad. Don't believe the lies that other women have told you. Yes men are very visual and (with the exception of a few cads) we are very much attracted to the sight of our wives bodies even though they don't look as they did 20 years ago. Stop all this hogwash about dimming the lights and praying for failing vision. Stop cheating your husband out of seeing you as you are. He loves you and most likely is still highly attracted to you. Yes, try and look your best and do your part with diet and exercise, but above all love your body like your husband does. Stop seeing yourself through the eyes of some catty women that were trying to drag you down and see yourself as your husband sees you.
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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby SeekingChange » Tue Aug 27, 2013 6:55 am

MrsTom wrote: but it's painful to think he got the raw end of the deal.

Exactly. :( And do you ever wonder, if something ever happened to your husband, who would want to marry you as this "older" person?
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby jpontow » Tue Aug 27, 2013 7:40 am

I was initially attracted to my wife for her many positive traits. Just hanging out with her made me feel valadated. I can't explain my attraction to her. the intense life in her eyes and her saucy demeanor make her desire able not her body. I am not so personable but after a few sergerys I am quite good looking.

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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby Kilarin » Tue Aug 27, 2013 9:12 am

MrsTom wrote:A quarter century and many physical changes and I am looking worse for the wear. ... I think this issue is so much harder for a woman who feels trapped by her weight or wrinkles or thinning hair, age spots and gravitational pull.
txtwindad wrote:we are very much attracted to the sight of our wives bodies even though they don't look as they did 20 years ago

Let me second what txtwindad said. A wife isn't like a basket of fruit that goes rotten. She is like a fine wine or a classic car that gets BETTER with age!
<Real breasts have HISTORY>

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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby HisWarrior » Tue Aug 27, 2013 9:48 am

Hubby says I am getting better looking with age. He thinks my grandmother is stunning and looks forward to being married to me when I am an old, wrinkled hottie. LOL!

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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby IWKT » Tue Aug 27, 2013 10:12 am

Why is a man who isn't as visual as some a "cad"?

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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby HisWarrior » Tue Aug 27, 2013 10:35 am

I just wanted to add that there is no one beauty. The standard of beauty is not just young, fit, busty, flat stomached, smooth skinned, shaved, long-legged, button nose, etc. Why we see only one type of beauty is beyond me, even though I am guilty of it.

Petite women are beautiful. So are tall women. Busty women are beautiful. So are demurely chested women. Fit women are beautiful. So are curvy, full-figured women. Dark-skinned exotic beauty, Scandanavian blond beauty, freckled redheaded beauty. One of the most beautiful and elegent women I know is burned and scarred over 85% of her body. Another just turned 85!

A friend of mine once told me, "the only thing ugly about a woman is her sin."

Otherwise, we are just another kind of beautiful. One may prefer the tropical beach over the mountains, but that doesn't make mountains any less magnificent.

Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain.

Stop believing the lies of the enemy, trust God who.created you and ignore those superficial guys who only buy into the lies of the enemy about beauty, value and worth.

A woman who fears the Lord shall be praised!

There is so much more to attraction and sexuality than two hard, young bodies.

Now, if only I can get myself to always believe what I just wrote! LOL!

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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby txtwindad » Tue Aug 27, 2013 10:53 am

IWKT wrote:Why is a man who isn't as visual as some a "cad"?


Not what I meant at all. A man that is bothered by the "mileage" his wife displays is a cad. The parenthetical clauses is not come after visual, but after the and to modify that portion of the sentence. Whether or not a man is visual is not important, how he relates to wife is.
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Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby jpontow » Tue Aug 27, 2013 11:00 am

What is a "cad"

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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby txtwindad » Tue Aug 27, 2013 4:50 pm

jpontow wrote:What is a "cad"



cad

1. a man who behaves dishonorably, esp. toward a woman.
"her adulterous cad of a husband"
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Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby bestillandknow » Wed Aug 28, 2013 11:20 am

Oh my. We're veering off into body image here. Speaking of years and years of marriage past.

I'm still thinking in terms of the OP, my premise being that physical attraction (which does NOT equal physical perfection in another) is a very important component of considering whether you want to marry someone or not.

Twit, I know this may be hard to believe, but I was also very much like that as a young person-- very mature and serious-minded-- the reason your post would have flown over my head is because I assumed all men thought like what you wrote, so why say it again. What I needed was for some kind older lady to say, 'Honey, he's not turned on by you, and that's no good."
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Re: Basic physical attraction-- how important is it?

Postby MrsTom » Sat Aug 31, 2013 12:45 pm

Just to clarify, it was a few of my friends who actually "rated" husbands and they said mine had the nicest body. I was speechless. These were believers. They were right, but I don't compare him to other men. They didn't say anything about me.

Charlie Shedd wrote something about marriage being for better or worse, but not thinner or thicker. I read that in the 70's when I weighed half what I do now and it stunned me then.

A few years later my boyfriend asked when I was going to find my hip-bones again. I'd put on 10 lbs in college. He was a class A dip. Escaped a bullet, there, I tell you.

Then I read For Women Only (Feldhan) and her words on women's weight cut deep.

I don't hide from my husband. He sees me naked plenty enough. We sleep unclad. We shower together.

You know how it is when you see some behavior that needs correcting in your child. It seems like the big thing. In reality, it's not. It's just the thing that has your attention right now.

That's how it is with this. I function as a wife by setting that thing out of my direct line of sight.

And seekingchange, I would not pursue another relationship if anything happened to my husband. I know what Paul says about widows under 60 finding another husband, but I have no interest in starting over.
When I told my hubby it's too bad he couldn't have a wife who had both a dirty mind and a clean house, he said he'd far prefer the former.


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